Thursday, August 2, 2012
I feel so sick to my stomach.
I feel like I'm doing something wrong and I really am questioning this whole sobriety thing. I mean - I am miserable - this is insane. I put myself to bed early last night after I cleaned and grocery shopped and I had the worst dreams and now I feel so upset. I'm not sure what is going one - maybe I am just going through something. It was so scary to put myself to sleep. I think maybe I am addicted to the drama of not sleeping enough. I was able to wake up, walk the dog and get ready in a clean bathroom and somehow that was just TORTURE. I don't understand at all what is going on. I'm just hoping this is another layer of - crap. I mean whenever people tell me they are going crazy in early sobriety I really believe they are getting sober. I'm just not having any fun - I'm just tired and over it. Okay - well - I wish I could say this is PMS but it's not. I just am having a crap day and someday I will feel pretty and sexy again and have fun. I'm so fucking bored and I'm just mad. FUCK. I am so grateful for my family and I know people have it so much worse but I don't feel alive. This just can not be where the buck stops.
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