Thursday, August 9, 2012

Got up late for work BUT.......

(how's that for a teaser title???) - anyway - I got up so late - and I went to bed early but - well I wasn't hung over - I didn't do anything WRONG - I must have just been tired and I did NOT get upset at myself.  I made my lunch, took care of the dog - put on a cute dress, washed my face and went to work.  I am literally doing the best I can.  When I did wake up all I wanted to do was write, write write.  I can feel some kind of cellular healing happening now that I am in my own apartment.  I also - I don't know - I'm confused now that these women are here in the store........I just realized how hard it has been for me to love myself.  Or even for that matter to like myself or EVEN be kind and forgiving to myself.  Ugh - it's so true that saying - I would never treat anyone else the way I have treated myself.  What am I talking about?  I'm trying to be profound - that has never worked in the history of ever - ever.  I'm just so grateful to finally be beginning to live a sober life.  That struggle of - oh I slept late because I got high - I drank - I was hung over yesterday - blah blah blah - I don't have to fight that fight and now I can start to live.  I think I used to get hung over from being at Creepy's.  I had the weirdest dream last night about walking around this camp - like a ghost sort of - it was some sort of healing camp - rehab - I don't know.  There was this man laid out on some sort of swing - stomach down and he had on a mask and people were pushing him back and forth and saying "Trust!  Trust!!"  I was walking around underneath him while he swang staring up at him - it was so odd.  Then the swing stopped and they took off the mask and looked at him with anxious anticipation.  WEIRD.  I can also say this - being a victim is boring - hating myself is boring just like getting drunk got boring.  Trying to figure out what is going to happen is boring - trying to MAKE something happen is boring - I'm bored of being bored and being unhealthy is boring.  Okay - whatever - I just went to the bathroom and got filled with rage for some reason.  I guess it's not THAT boring yet.  Bye Bluebs.

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