Oye.

Why am I even writing this? I have no idea but I need to do something. i am already having a trying day. I didn't have time to walk the dog and the knife stealing lady is there. I asked Creepy if she knew her key could open my door also and he said she doesn't steal knives anymore. She does however take things from other people's homes, bring them there and when she leaves - takes them back to where they originally came from. Oh- okay - great - I feel so much better. So that is annoying to leave the house like that. I just had an image of her going into my room just now - very strong. I'm so nervous about class tonight - I'm having that "I just want to lay down feeling" and I also am nervous because I have a meeting beforehand. I'm also probably going through total withdrawal from the cigarettes no longer being smoked under my window. I'm just frustrated and made the big mistake of looking at myself naked last night. Oh dear GOD I thought I was going to die. Oh at least this is making me laugh. I mean do I really think that just because I walk a lot of places I will be in great shape? I don't want to do yoga because I don't want to see cellulite on my skinny legs and I don't want to go the pool and go swimming because then I see what my body looks like in a bathing suit and IT'S AWFUL. But what the fuck? How is it going to get better? I'm going to have to work through this next. I'm sucking in my stomach right now. My ego is blowing up right now - why? I prayed and meditated today and took care of myself as far as showering goes. I prayed a little before bed and I got sleep. I even took great care of myself before bed. Look I have no control over the knife stealing lady and one day I will no longer live in a crazy house where I have to worry about someone taking something but putting it back. Jesus. I'm just fucking frustrated. All I do everyday is work on myself and it feels like I'm not getting anywhere and my dream still feels like it's dying. So awful. Anyway on a positive note I am so lucky to be healthy and alive and that I have the time and resources to work on myself. I just need to breathe and nothing is topping me from taking better care of myself. I have to go - I need to stare out the window. Byeeee Bluuuueeebie.

Why was I trying to be nice???

Listen - Tall Not So Dark And Creepy left emails about trying to have sex with some dude and Princess Boris found the emails and freaked out. The whole time I was listening to him cry all I could thing was "Did you REALLY think this guy was faithful to you? Didn't you guys meet online and you were a hooker for him??" That and the fact that listening to a young, sweaty, crying hysterically Russian kid is so absurd. This kid smokes outside my window and drives me crazy and then has the balls to ask me to listen to him while he blubbers? I honestly - seriously - I don't care if it makes me a bad person - that is bullshit. And I did it!!! I listened to him and I even got him blankets and tried to make him feel better. But WHAT THE FUCK?? Do you know the craziest part? Creepy was BLAMING this kid for it. He told Princess Boris that it was his fault for being mean to him that he was going to have sex with someone else. Haaaa - oh that's good. I mean come on. I live in the stupidest soap opera. Remember that soap where there was little people and witches and like really crazy shit? This is like that only just gay and I don't have any lines. I'm a fucking extra in my own living situation. Now Princess Boris isn't here anymore. It just turned into a REAL soap opera because now someone is MISSING!!! He isn't missing - he told me he wanted to go to St. Louis. He will need money soon and be back. Okaaaay - I have to go.

Late at night writing.

Well - Princess Boris is gone - for now. They got in a big gay fight with lots of broken glass and broken gay dreams. He is in St. Louis with his cousin. But his cell phone here? I sent him a message on Facebook asking him if he was okay but no reply. I don't even want to get into how ridiculous the whole thing was and how they asked me to be a part of it and mediate. Complete insanity. I did so many good things for myself this week and that really made it hard these last two days to take care of myself. I went to the dentist and I started the process of getting a night guard for my grinding teeth. I've had 2 and they were at least $400.00 each and the dog ate both of them. So this time I went to the place here in the city where I get everything else done (doctor wise) and it's going to be about $150.00 total. Um - way different. I should have never gotten involved witht hteir fight and I never will again get involved in that shit. I also went and saw my cousin today and I should have waited till next week. It's so fucking hard for me to take care of myself. I just can't say no , put up boundaries and let people deal with their feelings. FUCK. Anyway - I bought myself a raincoat tonight from TJ Maxx - it's so beautiful - I mean as far as rain coats go. This should insure it never rains again. I have been putting myself to bed sooner and sleeping longer. I'm reading "The Happiness Project" and it's really inspiring. I went to see the Snake Doctor this week and that was good and tomorrow I am getting a hair cut. I fixed my hair so it is no longer orange and I also - what? I have no idea. I'm lonely and I still have a cold but it's getting better. I'm doing the best I can. It is so late now and I just need to ge my clothes out of the dryer. It never shuts off our dryer. You have to open the door or it just stays on for hours. I just have to take it easy. I need to get out of here. How is that ever going to happen? Jeez - okay - I went to an alanon meeting tonight. So bizarre but I felt better. Self-care - self-care. Byeeeeee Bluebieeee.

So weird.

So now I am here feeling more feelings and realizing how awful I am to myself and how much I dislike a lot of me. Ewwwwwww - isn't that so hard to read??? Ugh - anyway I'm working it out but it's very painful and I'm afraid I'm going to gain 5000 pounds. I can't do that to myself. I'm starving right now - I just ordered a burger. I did so much reading today and I did one exercise. I'm EXHAUSTED. I swear that smoke is killing me - but it isn't - my attitude is. I looked at a TON of listings today and I called someone and asked her how she got her place. So okay - I am getting someplace and you know what? I'm not going to feel guilty about getting a burger - I fucking deserve one plus I REALLY WANT ONE. So there. I didn't really do much here today at work - I was so out of it. I talked for a loooong time last night to someone who has really been through this and it is clear to me that this has to happen. Am I even making any sense? I'm also out of it from his cold that is still lingering. Lingering - I mean I still totally have a cold although I thought this (as I'm coughing right now) morning that maybe this cold is lifting. I'm still so sad about my Uncle and cousin. What about his friends at school? I just can't - it's so heart breaking. I just have some stuff I have to work out of the bottom of me. Isn't it crazy that I would even think for 2 seconds that having a relationship right now would be a good idea at ALL? Jesus. Well - okay in an effort to be nice to myself - of course I would want that. I am alive. I'm going to stop writing - I am nuts. I hope this burger gets here soon. There is dry cleaners across the street and the Asian woman who works in there always stares at me. She has a seriously big head too - big face head and I can say that because I have a big head. Jesus - even if I didn't - she does have a fucking really big face head and sometimes I look up and it scares me because it's just this big face head staring at me from across the street. She doesn't stop staring either - she doesn't give a FUCK - she just keeps staring. What the heck?? she does have nice cheek bones. I have to go - bye Blueb.

I have no drawers.

I mean isn't that strange? I just realized it - I have nothing to put anything in. In class he was talking about draining ourselves out and filling ourselves up with the character. I went home and I was looking around and I was like holy shit I have shelves but no drawers. It's so symbolic of me having no place inside of me even to put things. I don't even have a desk - I have a table. It's so fucking crazy. I deserve drawers. I deserve compartments to help make my life easier and cleaner. Neater - I'm pretty clean. It's amazing my room isn't a complete disaster. So crazy. I said that already. I woke up so mad about the cigarette smoke and I felt so sick and then I remembered the snake doctor said that if I find a way to get my power back over the situation - it will probably change. So I prayed and meditated and got myself ready for work. I really did feel better. I need to get my power back about a lot of things. Is this me being easier on myself? I have no idea. Today is a day where I feel like I am taking myself verrrrryyy seriously. I'm tired and I'm lonely. When is this cold going to go away? It feels like it hasn't even really gotten better!!You want to know the craziest thing? Princess Boris asked me how my job was last night. I was like - which one - even though I knew he was just asking because he wants me to somehow sell his purses here. His purses and leather teddy bear. He has never even asked me how I am - he was just trying to get me to help him. He was being really "cute" and giggling and now this is making my stomach hurt. I went upstairs after telling him I would show her some photos of his stuff if he wanted and he was already outside smoking under my window. How hilarious, sad and awful is that? Well the good part of this story is that I called this real estate guy today and he is going to send me more listings. I should go and work more here. Okay - bye - I have on a cute dress. Love you Bluebie.

Sunny Tuesday ....

I'm here at the store and I'm clean and - well - here. I had class last night and then I went to therapy, a meeting and went shopping a little bit. I was really questioning whether or not therapy was still necessary and now I am realizing how TOTALLY helpful and wonderful it is. Class was amazing and I talked to one of the other students for awhile before hand which was so great. I told her I was 40 and she almost threw up and then when these kids were working on a scene and talking about women in their late 30's she kept looking at me and nodding like - "Right!!! That's you!!!" Note to self - never tell a 25 year old how old you are. So anyway - regardless of my age or anyone else's - I love this class. The teacher is passionate and focused and loves what he is doing. He is also very attractive but whatever - so are lots of people?? Anyway I really feel like I went through something and I guess I will keep going through something. Last night in therapy she once again said the way past it is through it. He told me to not be so hard on myself - ouch. It's all so vulnerable. It's true though. So now this is another layer of self-care. Learning how to not be a victim and how to be nice to myself. Also maybe I'm going to add - not feeling so lost. How the heck can I do that? That feels like a lot of pressure. I can keep taking better care of myself though - that I can do. I did today by getting here on time. Okay - it's a process. Lots of learning - lots of learning that just simply wouldn't be happening if I was drinking or doing drugs or whatever. It's just not an option for me. Part of me was like "How am I ever going to be with anyone ever again if I don't drink - what will bring us together?" Well nothing will keep me me away from EVERYONE faster than drinking. That's all there is to it - and that's that. The cigarette smoke is still so bad at the house - I had a dream I got mad at Creepy about it and he just looked at me and said "Oh really - OH REALLY??" Which is pretty much what happened in real life. SO - there you go on that. I have no idea what to do about it - except to accept it and save my money to move. Princess Boris made a teddy bear out of leather yesterday and they were so proud of it. I was like "Oh that's great" and I looked at Boris and walked away. I don't have to be a bitch to them (and I'm not supposed to be) but I don't have to give him my heart and soul either. I mean are you fucking kidding me anyway?? A leather fucking teddy bear?? What even is that? I just don't understand and the reality is that if it was someone else smoking outside my window maybe I wouldn't care. Also I smoked for YEARS. I sure did - so I get it. I can't hang on to this or focus on it - I'm not around it right now so there you go. I just went in the basement and went to the bathroom and it REEKED of cigarettes in there!! How crazy is that? Well the best part is that I have on a bra that FITS and is COMFORTABLE. What - when does that ever happen? Jeez - growing up at 40 - holler!!! Bye Blueberry. Let's take it slow and easy. Let's try to take it slow and easy.

Still sick and I took

Benedryl and I'm not supposed to. It didn't even help to be honest - I'm so pissed at myself. Now I feel sick to my stomach from being sick and from doing something I'm not supposed to. Jesus - I feel like I am plummeting - totally self-destructing. I prayed and meditated trying to get myself back, was nice to the other girl at work and made my bed. Oh dear - made my bed. Oh dear - I'm freaking out. What if she wants me to start my day count all over - re-start this whole journey? I don't think I can do it. I told her because I was trying to be - was being rigorously honest. This cold is kicking my ass. I made so much money at work last night - more than I make on a Saturday sometimes. So crazy. I held on loosely and it worked out. I just have to hang on to this loosely. I need to go pick up my pictures and go to a meeting then walk to work. I don't want to do any of that - I want to lay down and worry about myself. Somehow that is probably not the right choice. I'm near the end of this book and she says "we may struggle and kick and want to hide our heads in the sand" and "if it feels too comfortable, too natural or too easy then we aren't growing and we aren't doing anything different." So I guess - no the answer isn't to lay down and hide or run away and hide or just - lay down. Oh dear - oh my dear - I'm a mess. Bye Blueberry - I love you.

I'm plummetting.

It's cold - I don't feel well and I feel so gross. It has been so slow at this store, she still hasn't paid me and is ignoring my emails. I can't believe I have to go work again tonight more. I'm so tired. I let myself go to sleep now even. The second hand smoke last night when I felt sick was so harsh. Okay - whatever - I'm lucky I have jobs. There are worse things than second hand smoke - at least I don't have to have sex with Tall Not So Dark And Creepy. He must have the worst relationship with his own father to have married Creepy. I swear they are trying to kill me. I will be okay - I just need to go to a meeting, get a good night's sleep and keep going forward. It's cold which is depressing but somehow someway it's got to be okay - right?? I have a nasty cold - I'm not supposed to feel super great. Okay - I'm going to go and - read more of this book and get ready to get out of here on time so I can get to that meeting. But first I feel poetry in me:

Please dear God let me find myself
And not the one that I think will make people like me
Help me to be strong and real
Soft and supple
like gorgeous expensive boots on sale plus a discount but look super awesome
Help me to keep my sense of humor and sense of reality (the one I'm getting now)
Help me to not feel sorry for myself or take a shit on my roommate
Please dear God take care of those who are cold tonight and need a warm hug.
Please help me to sent them love and help where I can.
Help me to be humble and to have self esteem at the same time
I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO ASK BUT THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BOOKS SAY I SHOULD HAVE.
Also help me to mind my own business (whatever that means)
and be nice to myself.
Again help the cold and lonely.


Bye God - bye Bluebie.

Another layer of the onion.

Maybe it's this cold, the class - reading this book? I don't know but I am seriously shedding some shit and seriously seeing how my part is huge. I can't say what I mean - I don't know the words. People were so nice to me today - I think I must have seemed so upset. I walked out of the way to let this guy go in front of me because he was making me nervous and he said "I'm not going to do anything MA - you don't have to worry about me" and then he laughed and was really nice. I am bawling as I write this - can you imagine? I cried for an hour tonight - REALLY loudly. I just really understand what it means finally about talking and trying to argue with people's diseases and how it can't be done. Like Larni - he has a problem and he doesn't fix it and when he gets crazy - it's all his disease and I have no control over that or him and even if he isn't diseased I have no control over him. I have no control over anyone but ME. Fucking A. I miss my dead boyfriend so much. Can you imagine that? All of this is really bringing that up for some reason. I just have to let it go. Not let it go - forgive myself, cry (got it) and move on. Live - I'm alive - I have to love life - it's okay. What am I talking about? I sound like an asshole - like one of the people they make fun of on Saturday Night Live. I don't have to live here and I don't want to anymore. I don't have to talk to crazy people hoping they will be good friends when thay don't have it in them to be good friends. I don't even have to go out with douche bags anymore. Not because I'm not supposed to but because I don't WANT to. And I don't. I feel like I am shedding this fucking armor of misery. This vice grip of - try to still make this all work - all the craziness - only it doesn't. For the first time tonight I understood what people meant when they said it is so brave to get sober. I am finally getting real and seeing real. Fuck I just wrote that and thought "This sounds so fucking fake and forced." Feeling all this shit - this is what no one wants to do. Seeing my part - who wants to do that? Ugh - I tell you - I'm not sure why I want to but I am here now and I'm not going back. It's like breathing fresh air. This is so fucking scary - I suddenly have no idea who I am. I just kept letting people tell me who I was and whether or not I was good. Really? SORT OF!! I mean - come on. Fuck. I really am changing directions. I was being a passive aggressive aggressive. Unbelievable. No wonder people like that bother me so much - because I am exactly like that. I need to go to bed. I will decide tomorrow if this is authentic. Jesus Christ. Bye Blueb.

I'm so uncomfortable.

I am just going to write a poem - I can't complain anymore right now.

Oh gay house - you are cold in my area.
I got to work where blood on the walls was left by no one.
It's raining, I'm pouring
Out from my vagina.
I wish someone would love me, leave me alone
And hold me.
When I say go away - love me.
None of this is authentic and I feel like I will be fat and alone forever.
And not the kind of fat that anyone likes.
Self-confidence you allude but Rage
you are my best friend.
The boat is turning slowly while I spit out the window at your gay, lazy, young husband.
Today - bitterness reigns supreme.
Not like the pizza but like the bad dream.


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? It is SO HARD TO BE NICE TO MYSELF when I fantasize about shitting out a window onto my roommate. The only thing that stopped me was realizing I would probably fall OUT. Okay - this too shall pass. Bye Blueb.

The class was fucking amazing.

I really am so happy I am there and it was worth everything to take the night off from work. I was so nervous all day and I seriously thought I was going to bail a million times. I wanted to lay down and go to sleep so much. What a bizarre defense mechanism that is? Just lay down? Jesus. Thank God Her Lady Wonder told me to push through it - she is so smart. So bizarre. I cried the whole way home I was so happy. I cried in the bathroom, on the train and on the street. I was so surprised that someone could see something in me to be nurtured and FEEL it also. He said FEEL. He also said that he and the teacher whose class I wanted to be in originally, talked a lot about me and that he really liked me. WHO KNEW?? I am still very much in my own way but I am on a different path now. For sure. This all feels so serendipitous to me. I can't believe I'm going to go waitress tonight. It was so totally amazing to not work on a Friday night and do something creative - really creative - for ME - instead. I even came home and played my ukulele. I am beginning to open up creatively. Jesus - I'm exhausted. Gotta go and take care of myself and my day. Class again on Monday - WOW - how is that going to be??? BYE BLUEBIE I LOVE YOU.

Have I not grown since this time last year?

I feel like I am getting sober all over again in a new way. Once again I don't know if I can do this. My thing is to be the victim. To throw fits and be the victim. I don't know - knowledge is power. I can say that I wanted the heat to be turned on today (verrry cold in here) and I decided exactly what I was going to say - nicely and firmly and then I went and asked - nicely and firmly. And it was fine - he explained how I can get the heat to turn on and although it doesn't make any sense to me it worked. I also have been letting myself be lonely instead of talking to people just to talk to people. If I am on the phone with someone and I let them go on and on - for way too long, getting angry the whole time - isn't that dishonest? Also - what right do I have to worry about other people's feelings? This is all so mind blowing to me and I have probably said it all before but now I understand it in a whole new way. It's so fucking inauthentic. What am I supposed to do with all this rage? Anger? Maybe I have downgraded from rage to anger. I suppose there is growth there. A tiny bit. I feel so sick right now. What is it? The cigarette smoke? I'm hungry? I want to stab Boris in the face. Or just the shoulder. That would be fine. Looks like I still have rage. How is any of this going to change? Okay - I have PMS - let's just get going about my day. Who wants to read this shit? Bye Blueb.

I had meatloaf for breakfast.

I think I must have wicked PMS. I cried hysterically last night for 15 minutes and stared at myself on camera while doing it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I finally got a web cam (which is where the watching came from) and it was 30 dollars and so easy to install. Okay - so now I can skype. I'm so lonely. It's so hard to have no one to come home to. I have the dog - thank GOD and I love her so much and she is sooo sweet. But I would also love a family. I think maybe reading this book is making another layer of stuff come up for me. I was so sad about my dead boyfriend last night. He would have been 40 next month. Ugh - it's just heart breaking. Anyway - holy fuck - I was so late here today. I took a shower though and got ready. I washed my hair - took care of myself. I just couldn't get out of bed. Even though I went to bed at a decent time - 12:15 - right? So that meant I would get 8 hours of sleep and have plenty of time to get ready. Maybe it's the rain? I am still so tired. I can't believe how hard it is all this. Working. Oh dear - okay. I'm not even working. I had meatloaf when I got here - put on my make-up, researched inexpensive sagging face lotions and now I'm writing this. I checked to see if anyone called here, turned on the lights and rewrote the end of the day report because the Internet kept shutting off yesterday. Oye yoi yoi. Anyway I should go and read some more of this book.. WOW - yeesh. Bye Bluebie.

Codepent Still.

This book is blowing my mind. The main idea - so far - is detaching from entangled relationships - and detaching with love. I believe she said to try to do everything love based. What? Is that what she said? Hold on. Okay she said "Do everything in an attitude of love." She also said "if you can't detach in love - detach in anger." Because it is better not to be entangled with someone. How crazy is that? This book is so hard to read - it's so all me. I mean I was so fucking codependent before I drank even. Okay so in an effort to remain nice to myself I will keep all that brief. I practiced detaching with love last night and it worked very well for me. I should try to detach from mac and cheese with love. Okay - so there you go. I ordered my pictures (which were crazy $$$) and I am going to finally be taking a class. I am so nervous but I am super excited. Okaaaaay - so sleepy. My poor Mom - she's been through so much - so crazy. She is a trooper that one - just keeps marching on and keeps her sense of humor to boot. She is so strong inside - it's amazing. Sometimes sitting here at the store I like watching all the people walk by. A couple of times a day the boys form the boys school walk by. They are such boys - total messes and being obnoxious - it's hilarious. It's always this hardcore lesbian and this gay guy with them. Okay Bluebie - talk to you soon!!

Tuesday today.

I am here at the store. It didn't work getting my pictures yesterday because they said it would be better to send the file. It's no longer film now so with digital pictures it's better to send the file or bring in the pictures on on zip disk or some shit like that. The girl was very nice. I sent them the file when I got home but I haven't heard from them yet. I will call in a little bit. I got myself some fabric to cover up the water damage on my wall - finally. It's really pretty but it's sheer and doesn't look right. I just have to get something a little different and I can use that stuff for the windows. I'm starving. I have service at that meeting tonight. I am still reading Codependent No More. There is like 150 different ways you can tell if you are codependent and I was like yes to basically all of them. OH. Jeez. I'm learning tough lessons with friends. With myself. It sucks. Yesterday i had a total breakthrough in therapy. I would rather (and I have done this in many relationships) be in something unhealthy and miserable than be lonely. Soooo - KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!! I'm tired. I prayed and meditated today, drank my green drink had nuts and fruit for breakfast and took a shower and got cute looking. I also took my vitamins and brought and apple and water with me. Progress not perfection. I am going to practice being nice to myself all day and I am also going to keep on my path of everyday something for my art, and something for self-care AND something for my program. LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!!!

So stressed out.

I need to get to this place today to get copies of these head shots and get to The Drama Book Shop for plays and I slept until 11:30 because I was up watching a million episodes of United States Of Tara. Seriously - what the fuck? I did do some serious paper cleaning - threw out a million receipts and filed things that needed to be filed. It feels much better in here. I did some self-care stuff and I read more of Codependent No More. It can't happen all in one day - why do I want it to? I need to go to therapy and I have to talk to her about - everything. Hahahahaaaaa - not really laughing. Untangle, untangle, untangle. It's a full moon and I feel like I am going to explode. I need a walk also - a nice long walk. It's 1:30 - I can be out of here by 2:30 and I can get this stuff done before therapy and the meditation meeting and my week of working. I want to speed up but I think I actually need to slow down. Sloooowww doooowwwnnnn Blueberry.

Washed my keyboard with coffee again.

Jeez. I was so excited though because I bought the protection for it and had the email all printed out in my file box in the computer file. Then guess what? Coffee washing does not fall under the terms and conditions. So now I am typing on a 16 dollar keyboard because I'm not making that same mistake again. The o button wouldn't work and every time I pressed enter an x would pop up and some other thing - a slash I think. I told the guy that the man sold me the insurance because I washed my keyboard with coffee and he said I was misinformed. Well that's what happens at my job ALL THE TIME. So well - there you go. The important part is I went out right away and got a new keyboard and I could afford it. I could have bought a more expensive one but WHY? I also bought Codependent No More and guess how fun that is to read on the subway?? Not at all. Good thing is I am so desperate I was willing to do it. I remember when Her Lady Wonder said I was codependent I was like "WHAT?? I looove to be alone." I had no idea what she was talking about. Now I realize that I LET (that's right I said LET) people enrage me and I BLAME (I SAID BLAME) them for all of my feelings and actions. Holy fucking grossness Batman. I really fucking heard it this time. Soooooo I'm reading that and it's good. I told my manager at work - Wolfgang - I was reading a self-help book and he said "I love self-help books!! I've read them all - never do what they say but I read them all. The whole time I'm reading it I think YES that's it and then I put the book down and never do any of it." We had a good laugh about it but I have to say - I need to do whatever it's going to tell me. I have seriously bottomed out (I SAID BOTTOMED!!) on letting other people ruin my day or whatever. It just can't happen anymore. Cut to it will happen again but hopefully I will see why and be able to turn it around. I like this keyboard!! It's cute. The other one was huge. I went on that second audition for that teacher. I can't even talk about it - I will write more tomorrow about it maybe. I took care of myself today and got myself a tripod so I can make movies. I'm so tired now. It's cold out side and I have lots to do tomorrow. I plan on working everyday towards becoming a performer/actress/comedian again and even if it's little that is what I am going to do. Everyday self-car and everyday art care. Okay byyyeeeee Bluebie!!!!

Let's start with the positives.

I am alive and sober and I did get a lot of sleep last night. There is heat on in here and I have had plenty to eat today and I took my vitamins. This is so hard to do - I want to focus on the negative so badly. Here is the greatest thing I learned today - besides knowing that I have a ton of material waiting to be written. Her Lady Wonder said that if I was able to get and stay sober than I can manage my life in other ways and get out of this situation where I live. So there you go. I looked at apartments and now I'm going to start asking around. I'm also going to write it out - right now. And pray. I'm going to pray. I need to go. She is going to be paying me one whole week late for this job. Can you believe that? this is all going to change. It's all going to shift and change. Yes - all I need is a new apartment, a new job, and a boyfriend. I also need to get creative work and to get in shape. It's all going to happen. Why not?? What else is there???? This why I got sober - to be HAPPY, JOYOUS AND MOTHER FUCKING FREE!!

Oh my fucking blog.

It's totally cold and there is still no heat in my room. Yesterday TNSDAC first husband ran around "fixing" the heat when all he really did was turn it on. Whatever I just hope the dog is okay - it's so insane. I have to move and more than that I am so over this - these people are sad and awful. He's crazy. He is exactly like TNSDAC - totally narcissistic and needy and INTENSE and exhausting. He's a little better but not much. He isn't really nice. His eyes never quite meet mine and he talks really loudly in a really high voice like people that are about to completely lose their shit. He was like "OH THERE"S NO HEAT?? DO I NEED TO DRAIN THE RADIATOR??? IT'S 66 DEGREES ON THE THERMOSTAT DOWN HERE!!!" The whole time he was blinking his eyes like a maniac. Since when is 66 degrees really warm and I am 4 floors up?! Why would I lie and say there is no heat getting up there? Okay - I get that maybe he doesn't get it. I also get that he and Creepy are both liars. It is just in their nature. I'm just over this. He also had the balls to say - okay - I'm not even kidding - he said to me "Oh I'm leaving tomorrow and you had mentioned (then he covers up his mouth with his hand like a 90 year old woman and SPELLS this out because the guests were right there) the R, E, N, T and if you could get it to me that would be great. Are you going to work???" First of all - what the fuck. Second - no it's 10 in the morning and I'm all dressed up to go to Duane Mother Fucking Reade. Here is the thing....As far as I can tell Creepy broke up with this guy and then offered to take care of him for the rest of his life if he stayed at his house in Michigan and took care of everything there, helped with the bills (meaning paying them with Creepy's money)and take care of the other house they own next door. So this guy - let's call him Lady Lollipop Pants - LLP - he moved out of New York permanently and is getting taken care of by Creepy. Meanwhile - he seems like he has totally - given up somehow. I don't want to be like that. He didn't realize his dreams I guess. I just don't want to be like that. I know, I know - don't look at what I don't want but SERIOUSLY. He lives this like - ew - I can't explain it. Yesterday he went in my room and said the dog wasn't shivering. Then after he got the heat turned on he called and said "Guess who isn't shaking anymore!!!" In that crazy high I'm about to blow a gasket voice. He ran from room to room draining the air out of the radiators like a maniac and I kept telling him he just needs to turn the heat up and wait. If you turn the heat on - it comes on and then the radiators are warm. Okay - how the fuck am I going to get out of this. I have to take a chance. I'm just over it - it's time to move on. I deserve better and I want to be around better people that don't lie and aren't gross and creepy. Why do I feel guilty saying that? Because they are my friends? Because I live there and I am safe more or less? It's not okay. I deserve better. They would do for themselves in a second. I get it - I know it's hard and why bother caring about me - I'm not making sense. I don't have to hate them but I do want to get away from them - seriously. Okay. I will keep writing this for 3 more years and finally move. I should make a goal and DO IT. Prayer. I'm going to pray. Bye Bluebie. p.s Fucking Lady Lollipop Pants.

Hi Bluebie.

I am at the store again. It is freezing out today and there was no heat in my room last night or today. The poor dog is freezing. I just really have to move. listen everyone always complains in the winter about too much or not enough heat - I get that. But I am over it. How is there heat up to the 3rd floor but not the 4th? I had a talk with Tall Not So Dark And Creepy's first husband and do you know what he told me?? He said TNSDAC has had lots of young dudes he has tried to help through life and that several of them have died. What? Or at least 2. One had an asthma attack and died (WHAT?????) and the other one crashed a plane he was flying. Oh my fucking GOD you can't make this shit up. What the fuck am I doing living with this guy? His first husband also said that TNSDAC wanted to have something with Cretona. Um - WOW. He wanted to have a relationship with him. Cretona is totally straight. I wonder if Cretona knew? Ugh - anyway - I am so over living in that house and what the fuck am I going to do? It is so cold in this store also. I have the space heater on me. Yeesh. I just have to pray and keep going forward. This is really weird and scary. Scary? I don't know - I'm being melodramatic. I am just tired and frustrated. Not a single person has come in here today. I should rearrange things but I just don't want to. I prayed and meditated this morning. I ate healthy and I took my vitamins and supplements. I made the mistake of looking at my ex-husband's pictures of him performing and saw the boyfriend before him performing with him. With that stupid tattoo of my name on his arm crossed out. He looks totally insane. The ex-husband. The ex-boyfriend looks GORGEOUS still. I have got to move on. I have to find my power and move on from all of this. My neck is so stiff. Bye Bluebie.