So weird.

So now I am here feeling more feelings and realizing how awful I am to myself and how much I dislike a lot of me. Ewwwwwww - isn't that so hard to read??? Ugh - anyway I'm working it out but it's very painful and I'm afraid I'm going to gain 5000 pounds. I can't do that to myself. I'm starving right now - I just ordered a burger. I did so much reading today and I did one exercise. I'm EXHAUSTED. I swear that smoke is killing me - but it isn't - my attitude is. I looked at a TON of listings today and I called someone and asked her how she got her place. So okay - I am getting someplace and you know what? I'm not going to feel guilty about getting a burger - I fucking deserve one plus I REALLY WANT ONE. So there. I didn't really do much here today at work - I was so out of it. I talked for a loooong time last night to someone who has really been through this and it is clear to me that this has to happen. Am I even making any sense? I'm also out of it from his cold that is still lingering. Lingering - I mean I still totally have a cold although I thought this (as I'm coughing right now) morning that maybe this cold is lifting. I'm still so sad about my Uncle and cousin. What about his friends at school? I just can't - it's so heart breaking. I just have some stuff I have to work out of the bottom of me. Isn't it crazy that I would even think for 2 seconds that having a relationship right now would be a good idea at ALL? Jesus. Well - okay in an effort to be nice to myself - of course I would want that. I am alive. I'm going to stop writing - I am nuts. I hope this burger gets here soon. There is dry cleaners across the street and the Asian woman who works in there always stares at me. She has a seriously big head too - big face head and I can say that because I have a big head. Jesus - even if I didn't - she does have a fucking really big face head and sometimes I look up and it scares me because it's just this big face head staring at me from across the street. She doesn't stop staring either - she doesn't give a FUCK - she just keeps staring. What the heck?? she does have nice cheek bones. I have to go - bye Blueb.