Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sunny Tuesday ....

I'm here at the store and I'm clean and - well - here. I had class last night and then I went to therapy, a meeting and went shopping a little bit. I was really questioning whether or not therapy was still necessary and now I am realizing how TOTALLY helpful and wonderful it is. Class was amazing and I talked to one of the other students for awhile before hand which was so great. I told her I was 40 and she almost threw up and then when these kids were working on a scene and talking about women in their late 30's she kept looking at me and nodding like - "Right!!! That's you!!!" Note to self - never tell a 25 year old how old you are. So anyway - regardless of my age or anyone else's - I love this class. The teacher is passionate and focused and loves what he is doing. He is also very attractive but whatever - so are lots of people?? Anyway I really feel like I went through something and I guess I will keep going through something. Last night in therapy she once again said the way past it is through it. He told me to not be so hard on myself - ouch. It's all so vulnerable. It's true though. So now this is another layer of self-care. Learning how to not be a victim and how to be nice to myself. Also maybe I'm going to add - not feeling so lost. How the heck can I do that? That feels like a lot of pressure. I can keep taking better care of myself though - that I can do. I did today by getting here on time. Okay - it's a process. Lots of learning - lots of learning that just simply wouldn't be happening if I was drinking or doing drugs or whatever. It's just not an option for me. Part of me was like "How am I ever going to be with anyone ever again if I don't drink - what will bring us together?" Well nothing will keep me me away from EVERYONE faster than drinking. That's all there is to it - and that's that. The cigarette smoke is still so bad at the house - I had a dream I got mad at Creepy about it and he just looked at me and said "Oh really - OH REALLY??" Which is pretty much what happened in real life. SO - there you go on that. I have no idea what to do about it - except to accept it and save my money to move. Princess Boris made a teddy bear out of leather yesterday and they were so proud of it. I was like "Oh that's great" and I looked at Boris and walked away. I don't have to be a bitch to them (and I'm not supposed to be) but I don't have to give him my heart and soul either. I mean are you fucking kidding me anyway?? A leather fucking teddy bear?? What even is that? I just don't understand and the reality is that if it was someone else smoking outside my window maybe I wouldn't care. Also I smoked for YEARS. I sure did - so I get it. I can't hang on to this or focus on it - I'm not around it right now so there you go. I just went in the basement and went to the bathroom and it REEKED of cigarettes in there!! How crazy is that? Well the best part is that I have on a bra that FITS and is COMFORTABLE. What - when does that ever happen? Jeez - growing up at 40 - holler!!! Bye Blueberry. Let's take it slow and easy. Let's try to take it slow and easy.

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