Still sick and I took

Benedryl and I'm not supposed to. It didn't even help to be honest - I'm so pissed at myself. Now I feel sick to my stomach from being sick and from doing something I'm not supposed to. Jesus - I feel like I am plummeting - totally self-destructing. I prayed and meditated trying to get myself back, was nice to the other girl at work and made my bed. Oh dear - made my bed. Oh dear - I'm freaking out. What if she wants me to start my day count all over - re-start this whole journey? I don't think I can do it. I told her because I was trying to be - was being rigorously honest. This cold is kicking my ass. I made so much money at work last night - more than I make on a Saturday sometimes. So crazy. I held on loosely and it worked out. I just have to hang on to this loosely. I need to go pick up my pictures and go to a meeting then walk to work. I don't want to do any of that - I want to lay down and worry about myself. Somehow that is probably not the right choice. I'm near the end of this book and she says "we may struggle and kick and want to hide our heads in the sand" and "if it feels too comfortable, too natural or too easy then we aren't growing and we aren't doing anything different." So I guess - no the answer isn't to lay down and hide or run away and hide or just - lay down. Oh dear - oh my dear - I'm a mess. Bye Blueberry - I love you.