Another layer of the onion.

Maybe it's this cold, the class - reading this book? I don't know but I am seriously shedding some shit and seriously seeing how my part is huge. I can't say what I mean - I don't know the words. People were so nice to me today - I think I must have seemed so upset. I walked out of the way to let this guy go in front of me because he was making me nervous and he said "I'm not going to do anything MA - you don't have to worry about me" and then he laughed and was really nice. I am bawling as I write this - can you imagine? I cried for an hour tonight - REALLY loudly. I just really understand what it means finally about talking and trying to argue with people's diseases and how it can't be done. Like Larni - he has a problem and he doesn't fix it and when he gets crazy - it's all his disease and I have no control over that or him and even if he isn't diseased I have no control over him. I have no control over anyone but ME. Fucking A. I miss my dead boyfriend so much. Can you imagine that? All of this is really bringing that up for some reason. I just have to let it go. Not let it go - forgive myself, cry (got it) and move on. Live - I'm alive - I have to love life - it's okay. What am I talking about? I sound like an asshole - like one of the people they make fun of on Saturday Night Live. I don't have to live here and I don't want to anymore. I don't have to talk to crazy people hoping they will be good friends when thay don't have it in them to be good friends. I don't even have to go out with douche bags anymore. Not because I'm not supposed to but because I don't WANT to. And I don't. I feel like I am shedding this fucking armor of misery. This vice grip of - try to still make this all work - all the craziness - only it doesn't. For the first time tonight I understood what people meant when they said it is so brave to get sober. I am finally getting real and seeing real. Fuck I just wrote that and thought "This sounds so fucking fake and forced." Feeling all this shit - this is what no one wants to do. Seeing my part - who wants to do that? Ugh - I tell you - I'm not sure why I want to but I am here now and I'm not going back. It's like breathing fresh air. This is so fucking scary - I suddenly have no idea who I am. I just kept letting people tell me who I was and whether or not I was good. Really? SORT OF!! I mean - come on. Fuck. I really am changing directions. I was being a passive aggressive aggressive. Unbelievable. No wonder people like that bother me so much - because I am exactly like that. I need to go to bed. I will decide tomorrow if this is authentic. Jesus Christ. Bye Blueb.