Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Oye.

Why am I even writing this? I have no idea but I need to do something. i am already having a trying day. I didn't have time to walk the dog and the knife stealing lady is there. I asked Creepy if she knew her key could open my door also and he said she doesn't steal knives anymore. She does however take things from other people's homes, bring them there and when she leaves - takes them back to where they originally came from. Oh- okay - great - I feel so much better. So that is annoying to leave the house like that. I just had an image of her going into my room just now - very strong. I'm so nervous about class tonight - I'm having that "I just want to lay down feeling" and I also am nervous because I have a meeting beforehand. I'm also probably going through total withdrawal from the cigarettes no longer being smoked under my window. I'm just frustrated and made the big mistake of looking at myself naked last night. Oh dear GOD I thought I was going to die. Oh at least this is making me laugh. I mean do I really think that just because I walk a lot of places I will be in great shape? I don't want to do yoga because I don't want to see cellulite on my skinny legs and I don't want to go the pool and go swimming because then I see what my body looks like in a bathing suit and IT'S AWFUL. But what the fuck? How is it going to get better? I'm going to have to work through this next. I'm sucking in my stomach right now. My ego is blowing up right now - why? I prayed and meditated today and took care of myself as far as showering goes. I prayed a little before bed and I got sleep. I even took great care of myself before bed. Look I have no control over the knife stealing lady and one day I will no longer live in a crazy house where I have to worry about someone taking something but putting it back. Jesus. I'm just fucking frustrated. All I do everyday is work on myself and it feels like I'm not getting anywhere and my dream still feels like it's dying. So awful. Anyway on a positive note I am so lucky to be healthy and alive and that I have the time and resources to work on myself. I just need to breathe and nothing is topping me from taking better care of myself. I have to go - I need to stare out the window. Byeeee Bluuuueeebie.

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