Monday, May 14, 2012

Amazing....

I had the worst weekend - managed to not drink and do drugs and I CRIED because I wanted to so badly and now that I'm on the other side I feel so much better.  Does that sound crazy?  It feels crazy to write.  I had an infection in my finger and I was so worried that I totally took way too much aspirin and gave myself tinnitus.  I had constant loud ringing in my head - it was in-fucking-sane - for 2 days.  Thank fucking God for google.  I'm such a fucking addict that I od'd on aspirin.  I just didn't want the infection to spread and it seemed so bad.  I was soaking it in vinegar also and that can cause the tinnitus.  I was taking acetaminophen and aspirin - tons of it.  Oh my God - anyway - I kept going to meetings, listening to phone meetings and I slept.  Sleeping with ringing in your head - not so fun but I did it.  Today I went to therapy and my therapist was so nice to me and I realized that I can't get out of these situations I'm in unless I realize exactly where I am.  I also learned that the repetition compulsion isn't something I should beat myself up over since I'm not doing it - it's my subconscious.  I'm not making any sense but I am.  I went to a different meeting tonight - I just don't think I can keep going to that same big one - I always fart during it and then I leave feeling bad.  This one tonight??  No farting and I left feeling AWESOME.  Two totally cute dudes checked me out as I walked home and ran my errands.  How about that shit?  I can't keep getting mad at people for being them - it's not fair.  But I also can't keep going to places where they are and being mad they are there.  What?  Hellooooo I'm moving on.  Positive is more interesting and positive is where the growth is and positive is  more scary and feels like less control.  I think there was a famous dude in that meeting tonight - how cool is that?  I think he checked me out too - made me nervous.  I had an Epiphany today - someone somewhere took a shit in their pants and someone still loved them madly in a really beautiful, hot, romantic way.  Maybe not right at the second they shit their pants - but still - maybe.  Regardless - even though they shit their pants - someone still thought they are amazing.  Not because of the shitting - but despite it.  That's love.  Bye Bluebers - here's to you and you shitting your pants if you want to!!

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