Monday, April 21, 2014
I'm home - I worked again today at that restaurant and had a not great evening with the guy. I mean really not great. He was upset about some things and I was having my own issues (which I managed to not act on) and it really wasn't very fun or romantic at all. He picked me up from work and we went to my Sunday meeting - which was okay - got some food - ugh - it just wasn't a good night and he was upset - awful. I mean - what am I doing? I know I always ask that but not even more - what am I doing? Trying to have a relationship with someone who is getting over an 18 year long marriage? Gross. I think - I think I'm upset and turned off and I feel gross and ugly also. I feel like I'm about to fucking lose it. That job - this is all my same stuff that I come up against and God help me it's bad right now. I don't know - this really might not work out - at all. I don't know what else to say. Except maybe I am being melodramatic? You know it just made me realize how - how perhaps not in reality, I live. No wonder I have trouble with my art - I don't know truth. How can I be a great artist when I don't even know what is true? I just want to cut and run - I really do. This seems too hard - although nothing is happening. He was upset and don't people get upset? He wasn't upset with me and he was worried about it making me upset. Okay - forget it - whatever. I am going to practice radical acceptance about my life right now. All of it - my lack of art - ugh - whatever. I'm going to go to a meeting. I guess tomorrow is a new fucking day. Awesome.