Monday, April 21, 2014

Not good.

I'm home - I worked again today at that restaurant and had a not great evening with the guy.  I mean really not great.  He was upset about some things and I was having my own issues (which I managed to not act on) and it really wasn't very fun or romantic at all.  He picked me up from work and we went to my Sunday meeting - which was okay - got some food - ugh - it just wasn't a good night and he was upset - awful.  I mean - what am I doing?  I know I always ask that but not even more - what am I doing?  Trying to have a relationship with someone who is getting over an 18 year long marriage?  Gross.  I think - I think I'm upset and turned off and I feel gross and ugly also.  I feel like I'm about to fucking lose it.  That job - this is all my same stuff that I come up against and God help me it's bad right now.  I don't know - this really might not work out - at all.  I don't know what else to say.  Except maybe I am being melodramatic?  You know it just made me realize how - how perhaps not in reality, I live.  No wonder I have trouble with my art - I don't know truth.  How can I be a great artist when I don't even know what is true?  I just want to cut and run - I really do.  This seems too hard - although nothing is happening.  He was upset and don't people get upset?  He wasn't upset with me and he was worried about it making me upset.  Okay - forget it - whatever.  I am going to practice radical acceptance about my life right now.  All of it - my lack of art - ugh - whatever.  I'm going to go to a meeting.  I guess tomorrow is a new fucking day.  Awesome.

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