The Core of Me.

Well here I am at the end of this blog.  It's a little bittersweet because I am not sure I would have done it if they hadn't changed the format, which then made it so difficult (for me!) to use but well - I think it's probably time anyway.  I just went and looked at my first post from May 11th, 2010.  I'm a lot, a lot - a LOT healthier now.  I'm a lot happier.  I have a life that I can manage and when I can't I have so many tools and people who can help me.  Today I am struggling - I didn't sleep well and I woke up super early.  But I did something that I was never able to do - even years into recovery.....

I took care of myself.  I went for a jog and I prayed & meditated before that.  I cooked some healthy food, did the dishes and then took a shower.  I have stuck to my schedule for the day.  Now I'm having some tea and I'm allowing myself some closure by posting this.  And now - I feel better.  Amazing.  I didn't have to drink or do drugs for me to feel better.  I just took care of myself and eventually the feelings shifted. 

I don't have the room in my heart (anymore!) to be angry about this site changing and honestly I have other projects to work on.  And maybe it's just enough.  This has helped me so much.  I needed someplace to put all my thoughts, anger, fears, hopes and dreams.  I needed a place to be creative while I struggled with rebuilding my creative life.  

So.

So here I am graduating myself from my secret blog that maybe 2 people read.  And to you 2 people - thank you!  From the bottom of my heart.  May your life be blessed with whatever creativity you need and want and if you need recovery like me - I hope you get it.  It's a beautiful program and for today - GOD - just today!  I am going to work it.  

Also thank you to this site for giving me a place to put my words, love and angst.  I guess some of us need to write our way through life and I am grateful to have had a place to put this decade long chapter.   

I'm crying!  But it's okay.  Love you SO MUCH Bluebie!  Bye.

PS - Jesus I almost forgot - what's so crazy is that lately I feel like - I think because I have been home so much, meditating more and really being with myself...I have gotten to the core of myself.  The stuff that all the drugs, alcohol, anger, food and busyness covered up.  And I feel like I am really untangling it.  So really there isn't more to say anyway.  I am at a part that I can't write about anyway.  I need to meditate and do the work.  Help others.  Help others!?  Ew.  I'm kidding!  Okay bye bye - biggest hug - xoxoxo

Fuck Me.

Well I guess somehow it's not working now and I have to use the same blog thing as everyone else. Ugh It's such a bummer. I do not feel good today and this is making me so sad. What else can I say. Maybe I should just actually let this go now. I could start a new one somehere else? I will let you know where it is - love you Bluebie bye.

The Good News Is That I Shower More

Now.  I never used to take showers.  I always thought it was because I felt vulnerable when I was naked and cold trying to warm up in the shower....but I think it was just my inability to parent myself well.  So anyway I don't feel well today but I took a shower and put on clean clothes.  I even put on mascara!  And you know what?  I might not feel well but if I was in dirty clothes with dirty hair - I would feel worse.  Is it possible I don't need to take so many showers now?  That maybe none of us do?  I don't know.  All I do know is now that I take a shower everyday, I wake up and look at myself and I think "How the fuck did I not take showers all the time before this?  I LOOK FUCKING NUTS."  I mean I just got up - put on some clothes and fucking got high and REFUSED to do more than that.  Out the door I would go with an angry bun on my head and face the day high as fuck and miserable as fuck too.  Lord.  LORD.  So anyway yeah - I don't feel great today but I have taken care of myself, ran some errands, and took care of myself in a lot of other ways.  I am feeling the void of so many changes in my life - I really am - but what can I do?  I closed a lot of doors so some other ones would open and they haven't opened yet.  Maybe they never will!  But I couldn't stay in those other rooms anymore and that, is mother-fucking that. 

Okay byeeee.

Day 2 of MY BRAND NEW LIFE and everything feels the same

Hmmmm.  Suspicious. 

If you want to know a crazy person - go to any AA meeting and talk to an alcoholic who is in major transition in their life because they will be BONKERS.  Listen I am nuts right now and the world is also INSANE so it is compounded somewhat - my nustsoness.  However my thoughts are - well - just old.

They are just old thoughts, old "tapes" as they say.  It's nothing new - I just haven't had a lot of them for awhile so I forgot how uncomfortable it feels to have them and how SUDDUCTIVE they are - holy fuck.  It's like my brain thinks these thoughts are the most intriguing and FASCINATING thoughts to think.  My brain is like "Get in there!  Dig AROOUUUUUND - figure it out.  You can do it - go there - gooooo to those thoughts and memories and feelings and just BASK IN THEIR GLOW OF FUCKING miseryyyyyyy!  Eat it!  Eat the misery!  Dine on your fucking insanity!  Then GET DESSERT BY GOING ON SOCIAL MEDIA."

So I have decided to write on here instead.  I won't go looking and I won't get dessert.  I jogged today and I refuse to get ill or fat from dessert even though what I am talking about is really social media.

So.  So here I am on Day 2 of my brand new life and well wait - some stuff is different....for example - I took a shower today.  Everyday!  I also drank tea.  And I have still had only 1/3 the amount of coffee I used to have.  I have on clean clothes.  I am in my office - so I have been using my office - I come in here all the time!  I ate vegetables.  I ran errands and I asked my higher power for help.  I meditated.  I ate fruit.  Um - you know what?  This is enough.  I am going to take a time out and meditate again.  Center myself again and just - let go.  It's Friday.  I can get back to it all tomorrow and just exhale right now.  Enjoy this quieter time of evening.  Drop my shoulders and drink some more tea.

Love you Bluebie byeee.

Hola

Well it's a new month and I am wildly relieved for some reason.  I am really traveling on a new path now and I guess the new month makes it very - what's the word - concrete?  New month - new path.  New chapter.  It's got to happen right?  Well it doesn't have to happen but I want it to happen.  I want to move on.  It's sad and hard and uncomfortable and what else?  Lonely.  But I can take it.  I can take it especially because all those things are nothing compared to the abject pain of trying to do the same things over & over again with zero results.  It just feels like scratching for an itch and never getting to the itch.  Not only that, but the itch keeps getting worse!  Fuck me!  I will be lonely and uncomfortable for awhile it's okay.

I am being vague because I don't want to be so specific on here anymore.  This blog is now becoming for me what the programs are for me - spiritual.  Barf I know!  But it's true.  They are spiritual solutions and this blog is about what I am doing spiritually to stay sober, grow and help others.  I wrote that - "help others" and I wanted to vomit!  I mean not really but I did think "ew" in my own head.  So I have plenty of work to do still!  Ha.

Now I'm hot.  Is it hot in here what the fuck is happening.  I turned on the air.  I think it's just humid.  Oh maybe that's why my brain has been so foggy all day.  Um - this is thrilling what I am writing right now.

Um.....hmmmmmm......I'm just scared.  Scared to do this new thing and scared I won't keep myself on track.  Scared I won't be true to myself.  Scared I will be talking to someone who makes me feel like I am floating (in a bad way) and instead of politely excusing myself I will take a weekend trip with them or worse go to the mall and run errands with them.  But here's the truth...

IF I COULD STOP EATING MUFFINS ANGRILY IN MY CAR BY MYSELF THEN I CAN NOT GO TO THE MALL WITH A STRANGER WHO MAKES ME FEEL SICK AND REMINDS OF SOME PART OF MY CHILDHOOD THAT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.

Okie dokie.  Gotta go - love you Bluebie.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Kind

Well here I am again - unable to figure out how to be authentically kind, from a kind place inside myself for longer than 15-20 seconds.  I just start remembering "this" or "that" and think so myself "oh now you want me to be kind?  Oh so NOW I am supposed to show up for you when you couldn't even be blah blah blah."  Ew.  Ew so much.  Even writing that was uncomfortable and made me queasy.  I am at some sort of turning point because the resentments and anger are not working but it feels so unbearably impossible to be kind.  It's like I am holding onto for dear life, to my kindness!   It doesn't hurt me to be kind.  I don't have to do more than that.  I can just be kind.  I don't have to give more than I have to give.  Agh - what?

I'm getting lost.  I need to work on something and I think I am just getting distracted.  That's all.  I can be kind.  I can be kind first to myself and take care of myself and then give what kindness I have to give without hurting myself.  I believe it might be that simple.  It's a beautiful day today - just gorgeous.  I have taken really good care of myself.  And as I sit here on the couch I am grateful that I am not hung-over.  I'm not even hung-over emotionally and that is a beautiful thing.  I'm very anxious about this thing I need to work on and I am not quite sure how I am going to pull it off.  I will do my best - I can do my best.  I can put my heart into doing my best.  I will take care of myself and show up and do what I can.  I mean I can do what I can by doing my best - whatever that ends up being.  Lord I love a challenge!  I really, really love a challenge.  Okay let's get to this.  Wish me luck sweet blog - xoxoxo!

Friends With My Anger

My therapist told me to love my anger - to become friends with it. She said "Can't you just love your anger! Just looove it!"  Speaking of anger what the fuck is up with this new format??  It sucks my fucking balls.  Okay here we go - let's do this.  In honor of this wonderful woman who has worked with me for almost 20 years straight!  FUCK THIS STUPID FORMAT.  I am feeling a LOT of anger - my very, good close friend anger is here - she's such a cunt!  But I love her for it.  She doesn't give a flying fuuuuuuuck and she is here to say this new format and having to type sloooowly sucks the hugest hog of a cock and it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. I can't even do this - it's not working!  OMG Fuck this - I will hmmmmm - okay so it looks like this is the only option.  But now it seems to be working better.  How absolutely bizarre.  Okay so.  I don't know - I guess it all goes along with not being a victim - you know?  God - I lost all my oomph by getting angry and trying to figure out how to revert back to the old interface.  Well anyway - I will write more tomorrow - love you.

PS!  Omg - I guess I still have the other one - I somehow saved it.  I kept changing it back to this one so I think I get to keep it!  THIS HAS BEEN A VERY DRAMATIC BLOG POST FOR ME.  Okay so anyway bye.

Gratitude List

1. Food
2. Water
3. A place to sleep
4. An office to write in
5. My guy
6. My other guy
7. Just kidding!
8. That I don't have "other guys" anymore
9. Sunshine
10. Exercise
11. Cooking
12. Cookbooks
13. The www
14. Taking care of myself
15. All the tools I have now
16. Support
17. Books!
18. More food
19. Being my own parent
20. Being so much nicer to myself.

Bye! :)

Pooping Boots

I just sat down to write and then looked at boots for 15 minutes.  I found some beaaauuutiful boots!  Omg!  I want those boots!  I also want to poop.  Do you poop a lot?  I think I was poop shamed at some point because I literally hold on for dear life, to my poop. I mean as with so many things I didn't "know" I was but I am realizing it now.  I went and got body work done yesterday and she was like "if you need to go just go" because we were focusing on that issue.  Then I felt major movement and I was MORITIFIED.  Then I was like "oh hell no - I am not pooping in this tiny apartment!  No fucking way!"  And so I realized - I have poop shame.

Can you imagine a poor little baby ashamed of pooping?  It's just natural!  Who cares!  A sweet little dog?  I mean it's worse when they are big and it's BIG poop to pick up but who cares?

WHO THE FUCK POOP SHAMED ME???

I am ENRAGED about this. I am just a body, a human body that needs to eat, pee, poop, sleep and rest.  Also drink water.  And fuck - if I want to.  And whatever else I need to do.  WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK??  My sponsor said to me the other day that - wait did I say this already?  Let me look....no I didn't - she said I have an issue with the space I take up.  She said it very kindly!  And I know she's right.  I just have an issue EXISTING.  But also I want TO BE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

Okay so those are my 2 issues - the 2 programs....I'm sorry I exist and I EXIST AND I WANT TO BE THE BEST AND GET THE MOST.  Also I love your shirt.  What? 

I'm guessing if I pooped something magical like handmade boots I wouldn't feel so ashamed.  Is that what happens for some people?  They can poop anywhere because they are like "Oh I am about to create something SO wonderful!  Here we go!" 

Well this must have helped me somehow because I sneezed a bunch of times and then I pooped.  Also she helped me!  God we humans need so much help.  Or at least I do.

Okay bye bye.

Detaching With Love?

Did you know that that was a thing?  Detaching with love?  I am a little tongue tied (finger tied?) over this right now....I mean I am practicing it.  I am taking care of myself and lovingly detaching from things.  But it's so hard to do!  My instincts want to detach with a "fuck you!"  Ugh.  Anyway turning stuff over to my higher power helps.  Meaning first turning things over then detaching with love.  I literally am not sure who I am anymore.  I have heard people talk about this shit for years but I had no idea - REALLY - what they were talking about and I certainly couldn't do it.  I am guessing I didn't even want to do it.  I love saying "fuck you!"  It's fun!  Only I was doing it on the inside and it was hurting me and I can't afford that anymore.  Um - also?  It's boring.  It's boring to just be enraged and clench my teeth.  Over it!

I am exhausted.  It has been a rough week.  I haven't slept very well.  I have had to talk myself into sleeping.  Saying "Let yourself rest, heal - just rest heal" over and over again.  Then I wake up and have to do it all over again.  It's okay I am practicing - just practicing, practicing practicing.  Ugh. 

Who knew it was so fucking hard to be kind!?  To myself first!?  Wait I just realized - if I am kind to myself first is it easier to be kind to others??

I sound like an idiot.  Oh well!  I'm fine with it.  How else do we figure this stuff out?  Do you know how many shitty plies I did before I did one that was right?  A LOT.  And now that I think about it "right" is a very bold word for me to use.  Wait - fuck that - I did a pretty fucking good plie. 

Okay bye.

Jogging Star!

It cooled off again and I went out to jog today and I was so psyched.  I was like "Finally!  It's cool and  I can just jog and jog!  I can let myself really - JOG FREELY and go go go!"  I have been jogging all through this heat and humidity and I even jogged while we were away and it was hot as fuck there too!  So I figured I was - what?  A jogging star!  I thought I was in some sort of great shape because I jogged in the humidity but went a much slower pace and a shorter distance.  Soooo - turns out that's not how that works.  I mean it was a lot less of a struggle to breathe today but my body was like "Girl!  You are not an Olympian!  What are you doing?"  So I made it farther than I have been but had to stop short of the 6-7 miles I thought I was going to do.  Okay I made it 3 miles.  That's pretty good!  Right?

Anyway it's just glorious to have it be a bit cooler - I can't even tell you.  Um - so.  So I don't really have much else to say today.  Working on myself and doing all the things to try to stay healthy.  Waiting patiently to be able to work more and well - I don't know.  Wait I do know.  Use my time to clean up the things I want to clean up (emotionally and in my physical environment) and write.  I am writing a lot more.  So that is good too.  Breathing. 

Love you Bluebie!

6:30 Coffee?

That didn't work out so great!  I was up until like 1:00 in the morning ugh.  Oh well - it was fun while I was drinking it.  Well I wish things were better in the world and in this country but it's still a shitshow.  It's hot as fuck and okay this isn't very positive.  I'm so in the hallway. 

I just need to be patient and pray for - patience.  We just went away for the weekend and it was so nice.  Was very weird traveling - we just drove but it was still super odd.  Quiet at the rest stops - everything closed. Masks. I keep turning things over to God.  My anxiety - my anxious thoughts.  The care of people I love. Their feelings and anxiety.  I know it's up to me - what happens inside me is up to me.  It's hard to trust.  It's hard to take care of myself, my inner life, while also being in the world - especially now.  I am continuing to practice.  If I stay sober one day at a time I have a chance.  And the more I work towards serenity the more I really have a chance.  It seems like I shouldn't want to be serene with everything that is going on but that's a mental trap and it's not true.

There is a way to stay informed and involved without hurting myself.  But first and foremost I have to take care of myself - or I can not help anyone or anything.  Or even figure out what it is I am meant to do on this earth.

Wooo.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

6:30 Coffee

It's dinner time but I am having coffee.  I have been so sleepy all day so I just went for more coffee.  I had a second cup earlier but I think it wasn't very strong.  Anyway - I am having coffee at 6:30 at night but believe it or not it feels like a good choice.  What's up!?  Hmmmmm - I will go first....

I am in between things.  Everything.  I have changed so many things in my life by stopping doing so many things.  So I don't have other things to go to - I just stopped doing the things that weren't healthy or working for me anymore and wow - is that - uncomfortable.  But - that's what's going on.  In other news I realized that I have lacked emotional sobriety all this time which is - HILARIOUS.  I mean ha!  Seriously!  Who the fuck knew?  I guess anyone who really got to know me.  I mean I wasn't behaving as badly or ridiculously as I did when I was drinking but I definitely - well - it's all been inside me.  I was only hurting myself.

I went outside this am to exercise and I was really able to see how the negative thoughts poison me.  The eating the muffin in my car "at" someone else poisons me.  I had no idea.  I have heard other people - many, many people say it over the years in meetings but I never really understood what they meant.  They would say "I am taking the poison trying to hurt someone else" and yes I GET it but I didn't really get it because muffins are DELICIOUS and they make you feel AMAZING even if it's only for 30 seconds until you (I) feel sick.  Ugh.  And the mental part I just didn't get at all.  It's my head - who cares if I am in a rage.  But my body cares!  My poor little body doesn't know that it isn't really happening - it FEELS like it's happening so it is.  All those hormones and fight or flight stuff happening.  The adrenaline!  God.  So much stress on my being.  Plus it's exhausting.  So anyway that's where I am at and the only thing that has really truly been helping?  Since it's so hard to control these thoughts?  They just COME AT ME - all day long.  The thing that has finally helped?

Turning it over to God. My higher power.  Today - all day - I put things in God's hands.  I said here you go God - please take it - I can't hold onto it or be responsible for it.  My sponsor has often said to me that my shoulders can't carry things for other people.  This was one of the few times that made sense to me.  When I finally asked God to take these thoughts and concerns and I put them in his hands - I felt relief.  Mind you - again - I have had to do it all day long with all sorts of things because my brain and my alcoholic mind wants to destroy me for some reason.  It is a miracle I have ever gotten anything done.  Seriously!  How in the WORLD did I manage to do anything with this FIGHT going on in my own head - a lot of the time?  Well I don't know - I had relief sometimes.  Distractions - work, books, shows - class.  It all helped get me out of my head and out of my own way enough for stuff to come through me sometimes.

Okay I have some other work to do - love you Bluebie bye.

Huh!

I have not written very much this year.  How odd.  I have been digging deep though - that's for sure.  And well - it happens.  I wrote other things and well - who the fuuuuck cares - am I right?  Okay so - I forgot what I was going to say.  Huh.

Well anyway I am having a nice day - I went for a nice long walk in the sunshine.  It has cooled off and the flowers, birds and fresh air did me good.  I am feeling better in general.  As I get a hold on my thoughts I am beginning to experience more freedom in my body.  I also am really paying close attention to the level of serenity I am allowing myself to have at any given point in the day.  It's a wonderful tool.  There are so many tools.  I have so many ways to help myself now and it really is empowering.  So.

So what the fuck is going to happen next?  Our world is at such a crucial point in time it seems.  Can we survive?  Can we change?  Can we adjust?  Can more people walk the road less traveled?  Take the path to the new frontier of spirituality and - health?  I don't know.  Jesus I wrote that and then I wanted McDonald's.  What the fuck is that??

Well one thing is for sure - things right now are - for me - going very slowly.  And that's okay.  I had no idea how much inner work I needed to do.  I had no idea how the negative thinking was effecting (affecting?) my usefulness as a (one small simple) person on this planet.  I also really, honestly and truly didn't realize - not taking care of myself is not helpful to ANYONE ELSE. And my mind is someplace that I am also responsible for.

So as they say (I think in the program?) - this is where the rubber meets the road because it is GROWN UP TIME.  Fuuuucking barf am I right?  Haha I am just kidding but wow.  Yeah.  Be kind and responsible - but for myself first.  In a healthy way.  Did you hear about that 14,000 year old puppy they found in the ice?  I guess 10 years ago but I just read about it now.  So wild.  So wild what this world has been and what it has gone through.  All the beings and people that have journeyed around it.  I was just going to sign off with some DRAMATIC statement about my sobriety but I think I will just say

Byyyeeeeeee!

Unlearned Helplessness

What would that be exactly?  Helping oneself?  Being proactive?  I don't even know.  All I know is I  have bottomed out once again on my learned helplessness and I need to UNlearn that shit now for real.  My sponsor says well - no she doesn't say this.  I say this is a character defect of mine.  Feeling helpless and stuck and feeling like a victim of other people's stuff (energy, feelings, addictions, alcoholism, negativity - whatever).

She says - that the only true way to get rid of a character defect is to beef up the asset part of the defect.  So my victim defect, my martyrdom defect, my feeling stuck and at the mercy of others has an asset.  What is it?  Okay let me think......

I don't know.  I must know!  I care about others?  I see and feel others.  I have a lot of energy it's just turned in the wrong direction.  Well I guess I have a lot of strength and passion?  I certainly have a lot of FEELINGS.  So I suppose the asset is that I am willing to do a lot - I am just doing the wrong things.  Especially because no one asked me to be a martyr to them.  If I have the strength to stop myself and ALL of my energy around people that make me feel like this - then I should be able to use all that same energy to detach.  Say what I need if I need to or just - detach.  MOVE on.  Move.  Just go somewhere else.  Good God - if I felt like figuring out the guy thing was impossible this feels even more so.  But it's okay. 

Just TURN that Ocean Liner around!  Slooooooowly.  I never ever thought I could make it through all that chemo.  It seemed fucking endless.  So I suppose this feels similar minus the intense nausea, fatigue and fear.  Although this does feel toxic so that's scary.  For my body.

You know what else my sponsor said?  She asked if I really want peace in my life - but she really asked.  Then she said I must since I pray and meditate.  But she said it like SHE REALLY WASNT SURE.  Ha.  Okay gotta go. 

Byyyeeeee!  

Let's Go!

My sponsor said to me that she had to - at a certain point - have sober thinking.  Jesus!  I have written about this SO MANY TIMES.  It feels even harder to do then stopping drinking and drugging.  To take control of my mind is the fucking MOST DIFFICULT thing to do.  Or at least it feels like it.  Some days are harder than others and today is a difficult day for it, for some reason.

I am all brain fogged and confused.  Part of it is the humidity which is hanging TIGHT and won't let go.  I can relate humidity!  I can relate.  Anyway it's that and who the fuck knows what else but I am very clumsy today and can't put my thoughts in a row.  Also negative.  I feel spacey & like - well oddly enough I feel like I am high.  Sort of high?  I am not high just to be perfectly clear!  Anyway I am doing all the things to take care of myself and at some point today my mind will clear.  I just keep taking it moment by moment.....when I start having an argument with someone in my head who isn't here I just say to myself "No no!  We don't have conversations with people who aren't here!"  Or if I start to remember something that happened 5 years ago or 10 years ago or last week that upset me I say "No no!  That's not helpful!  You don't have to think about that!  Breathe!  Be here now!"  It's like I am completely reconditioning this mind and IT'S SO MUCH FUN.  It's really fucking uncomfortable.

I am also waiting.  Waiting and waiting and waiting.  Waiting for that conversation so I can move on in a healthy way.  Waiting for the right moment to do that thing......Waiting to eat dinner till dinner time.  Waiting, waiting waiting.  Breathing, breathing breathing.  It's tedious.  It's the foot exercises part of dancing.  Tedious, a little boring and seemingly pointless.  But it's not pointless - it's technique.  It's the technique and the skill of being a real dancer.  But wow wow wow - the patience that is required to really gain skill is enormous.  Now I am trying to create a different life and the only way (as far as I can tell) that's really going to happen is if I create that different life with not only a different mindset but also with different tools.  It's the technique of living.  Wait what?  Does that make sense?  Yes.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  I can't just ACT differently - I also have to THINK differently and have a better attitude.  Agghhhhhh.  Shit fuck piss mother.  So uncomfortable.  I want to live!  I want the pain of life and a life lived well.  I will get on the other side of this - maybe - hopefully and it will be worth it.

I'm going to say cancer treatment was more uncomfortable than this so I can do THIS.  At least for today I can do this.  And that's all I have to do it for - today.

Bye!

91 Degrees Anal.

It's so fucking hot again.  I am in such a grumpy mood and it made me giggle a little to say anal.  Anal.  Anaaaaaaal.  Jesus.  It's hot and humid!  We got up at 6:00 am yesterday so we could go out and jog before it got to hot and I was still sweating over my entire body and I don't even sweat.  I mean it wasn't 6:00 when we went out it was later.  Ugh.  But it was early! 

I am so sleepy.  I went for a walk this am and well - the sun felt great - it feels so healthy and wonderful to get out there - but - it's hot.  Did I mention it's hot?  Okay I am just writing because I have set up a writing schedule for myself but I am so conflicted inside myself I don't know how to write something.

I'm just having feelings.  Angry feelings.  They are the correct feelings.  I know that they are and it's so nice that I can say that to myself.  But man - do I get stuck in my feelings.  Instant conflict inside myself as soon as I get a negative feeling.  Which is ironic since it makes it last 500 times longer - it really does.  Whoa - once again I am getting so tired writing on here.  I am going to lay down.

Love you Bluebie!

Well....

So I woke up today not feeling great and I am upset about some of my relationships and how they have always been what they are.  This is not rational and I am not sure why I am thinking about them at all - maybe a distraction?  I'm sure it's that but I am in this program that tells me to look at my part.  We (alcoholics) always have to look at our part because we think the world is happening TO us instead of just happening.  Also there is a thing called the "spiritual axiom" which says anytime we are upset it has something to do with us.  So - so I am sitting here ALL morning - okay wait not sitting - I got outside and exercised and I did my prayer & meditation - BUT - during all of it thinking about this one friend...and how they have half shown up for me - sometimes not - sometimes yes.  Was very sweet during cancer - which I was surprised about because this person can really be - not nice.  Not just to me - but everyone.  Which is part of what I have been realizing lately.  If the person is doing it to me - they are probably doing it to everyone.  But anyway this is what I really, really realized - ugh and this is so uncomfortable to write.  My part...

Is that - that is exactly what I wanted.  I wanted someone who was half showing up.  Because that's what I was doing.  And instead of looking at myself and seeing why this was okay with me - I was able to blame them for sucking.  I wasn't ready to look at myself or get up - from a place of POWER & LOVE and say - "Oh - oh I see - this how YOU are - this is YOUR behavior and YOUR character and it doesn't have anything to do with me.  I however am not okay with it and I am going to take care of MYSELF and get up and go somewhere else."  Because it is so very, very very uncomfortable to see I am not a victim.  This person isn't even a BAD PERSON.  They are just a person who was playing the exact role I put them in so that I could stay where I was.

Because it is painful to grow.  It fucking hurts!  But I can't go back now.  I am trudging this road to happy destiny so I need to LOOK AT MY PART.  Even though I DONT WANT TO. 

But I do.  And I will.  And I am.  And it hurts but life hurts.  Which pain do I want?  Pain of dying from alcoholism - whether I am drinking or not?  Or the pain of growth?  I guess today I chose growth.  Let this poor friend free from the unhealthy pattern that I only knew about anyway. HA.  This person is just doing their thing anyway.  I just popped in and out having yet another weird one-sided relationship with them.  Not always but a lot!  I wanted and needed something and that is such an unkind way to have a relationship.  Maybe that part is being hard on myself.  And anyway I love this person.  So once again - at least I don't tell people to go fuck themselves and Jesus!  This suuuuucks.  Growing up suuuuucks.  Except for the part where I am free.  Happy (getting joyous) and free.  At least I have a chance this way.  And so does the friendship with this person.  So I can let go of the unhealthy thing and see what grows in its place.

What a weird thing to realize.  That on some level it was exactly what I wanted.  Well good news!  I don't anymore!  I need nourishment now and A LOT of it.  In everyway.

Byeeeee.

Branches.

There was a hurricane the day before yesterday - you might know or have been somewhere where it was happening.  Tons of places without power or cable, trees and wires down everywhere - total shitshow.  Mother Nature was like fuuuuuck you.  So when I went outside to exercise yesterday I see branches EVERYWHERE.  And in the past I have always used branches as a means of symbolic hints towards what direction I am supposed to go in.  So for example when I got sober it was forks and I took that as meaning I was at a fork in the road - get sober or don't get sober and I chose to get sober.  Then over the years it's been more forks, or the fork ends but the path continues.  Earlier this year it was RIGHT TURN or LEFT TURN.  And I took some RIGHT TURNS and LEFT TURNS.  Changed shit UP.  Also for awhile not too long ago - last few weeks - broken branches.  Just pieces of branches broken on the ground.  To which it felt like - ending of relationships.  Or at least an absolute shift in the way the relationships have gone.  Okay so again I made 2 huge decisions and even though (Thank God!) I didn't do what I would have done in the past which is destroy these relationships - I did decide to move on from how I was participating in these things.  So then yesterday I go out there and there's just branches and trees down ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE!

And I was like "What the fuck does this mean?"  Just smashed branches, broken branches, huge pieces of tree trunk - TREES.  I was really struggling to figure out what in the good Lordy fuck it all meant.  I mean I don't have THAT many relationships to get out of or that would need to be destroyed like that for fuck's sake.  So I just kept motoring around the neighborhood and I suddenly got 2 ideas in my head.  One is that all the branches and stuff were like tangles in hair.  You know you lose a lot of hair when you get the tangles out.  So it's a cleaning out you know?  So I then realized this was a symbolic cleaning out for me but how?  Then I realized what it was!

Resentments.  All those branches are all the resentments I have kept swirling around in my head since the beginning of my sobriety and let's face it from before that too.  Oh Jesus - yes 100% form before that too.  I just got SO TIRED writing this.  I have to lay down.  Love you Bluebie!

My Phone Rang!

I was in the middle of writing this post when my phone rang and it was someone from the program that was having a bad day, and her call saved me.  I also was not having a good day and I was writing all about it here - the VERY important why's and how's of my day, blah blah blah and then she rang.  So we talked and I felt so much better.  I got out of myself - got out of my head.  Then I deleted everything I wrote because it was just - I don't know - I don't think it was authentic.  So then I called my sponsor, made lunch and now I feel much better.  I promised myself I would come back on here and write before I did a bunch of other things, get distracted and then get upset later that I didn't write.  So I am writing.

I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up at 5:30 so I still feel off & anxious - but - I am taking care of myself.  I had the craziest dream last night about climbing and jumping through this dome-like metal structure.  It was huge!  There was a man chasing me and I kept leaping from one metal piece to the other and some of them bent and dropped but then I would leap to a different piece.  I kept thinking while he was chasing me "I got this and you can't take this away from me!"  And then I was on this ladder formation piece of metal - it was like a gold/copper color - and it went flying doooooown and then to the side and I reached out and grabbed another part of the dome and in my head I was like "Fuck yeah!"  The man was chasing me from the ground though which is probably where part of my confidence came from - he wasn't even on the dome frame!  Honestly then the dream got really weird but I am going to spare you the details.

Bye!