Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Oh dear.

I am a nervous mess these last couple of days.  Let's start with something fantastic shall we?  A really beautiful thing that happened.  For me this is a tectonic shift - a growth towards love from which I have really never been able to grow towards.  What?  That is a terrible sentence.  Okay - here it goes.  I'm so tired.  I have been tired.  Classes, jobs, programs, a guy - it's all so much.  Okay - so.  So yesterday I was here, go to my meeting, go to my class until almost 11:00 at night and I'm so tired.  I hadn't heard form the guy - he was moving yesterday and I thought he would want to sleep over because - I don't know why - because.  Let's get tot the good part.  I was feeling jealous and anxious and convinced he was not talking to me because he was being shady.  I was going to go to bed without texting him first and I was going to go to bed with a hard heart - an angry heart.  A nasty heart.  A "See - I knew you were being a fucking jerk - a creep  -a fuck me over mother fucker - you are just at work macking on that new hot girl blah, blah - HATE" heart.  Okay - so I decide I don't know any of these things - I decide to write to him - he is waiting for the bartender to get off of work to help him move stuff because he has a car.  Okay - so he doesn't want to sleep over because he is going to be sooo late.  Let me say also - I was only going to get a little over 6 hours of sleep at this point and I didn't even WANT him to sleep over - I just wanted him to MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.  I also was trying to be nice - if his bed wasn't set up or whatever - but really - I was just being crazy.  So he tells me he doesn't want to sleep over and I say to myself "Oh - well I'm going to ask him WHO IS WORKING RIGHT NOW???"  Right?  Um - what?  I had just left my acting class where I'm sitting on my GORGEOUS acting partners lap and staring at my beautiful teacher and trying not to look at his huge package.  Right?  Okay - so I decide not to send that message.  I'm being jealous because I'm putting myself onto him - right?  I decide I am being crazy and that I am not doing that not only to him, but to myself.  So then I say something nice instead that I meant - he says thank you to me for offering kindness and then I say "Good night gorgeous."  He says "Good night beautiful."  Then I went to sleep and woke up not well rested enough but not completely exhausted and angry.   I was able to pray and meditate and love the dog a little and get to work.  I just realized how hard I AM BEING ON MYSELF.  I WISH THIS LADY WOULD LEAVE - SHE'S NOT GOING TO BUY ANYTHING.  Okay - she left.  I need to go home tonight and get groceries and clean and fucking go to bed at 10:30.  I just don't understand what is happening.  I'm so - nuts.  It's so sad.  I'm just flipped out.  I forgot my make-up.  I guess feelings aren't facts - what?  Look it sucks - it sucks to be freaking out.  I am freaking out and having lots of negative thoughts and I want a baby and a relationship and it feels like my life is whipping past me and I'm so lost.  What am I doing?  The fact that I was kind last night and that I didn't go to bed with hate in my heart like a victim was one of the most beautiful things I have ever done.  What?  Do I mean that?  It was kind - I was being kind.  I'm reading this book called Lamb and it's about Jesus when he a teenager and in the part I read this morning He said "Fear is from wanting to know the future."  I had no idea how gripping of the past and future I am.  I'm just riddled with fear and afraid to move on.  I want to do comedy again and I want a life and I want to move and live.  I want a new job and I'm petrified to even try.  I was really funny in class last night but only after the teacher lit a fire under my ass.  Then I exploded!!  Please dear lord - let me fly - it is so uncomfortable to sit on all this energy.  Amen.

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