Brain Click.

I had a brain click.  Left side middle of it.  Oh I wonder what part that is - I'm going to look.  Well okay I guess I knew the left side of the brain is the logic side and it doesn't matter anyway - what matters is the click.  I was meditating and my brain started to wander - I started to think about some people.  I started to think negatively about these people.  THEN - then I really started to dig in to one person, really trashing her in my mind and I was going for it.  this by the way is not how I meditate - this is not my go-to for brain cleaning and relaxing - I was wondering off the path so to speak.  OKAY - so I'm really digging in to how and why this person was bad or what and then suddenly I felt this - click - I don't know how else to explain it - in the left middle part of my brain and it felt like something shifting over farther to the left.  As if I could feel the layers of brick in my brain being shifted out of place - to the left in like a zig zag pattern.  If I were reading this I would probably think "OKAY YOU FUCKING NUT BIRD - GET IT TOGETHER."  But - and this is what really counts - I think - it scared me out of the negative thinking and got me back to meditating. I was like "Wow - hole shit I have wasted hours, days and years of my life thinking negatively about different people and situations and IT HURTS MY BRAIN or at least it grooves it in a way I don't want it grooved."  I don't know.  It blew my mind.  I thought it was such a physical manifestation in my fucking HEAD telling me to stop being such a negatively thinking a-hole especially while I'm meditating.  Okay now it's 5 hours later after I started to write this.  I jogged on the treadmill, ate pizza with the guy and watched a movie.  I have to get up at 3:15 a.m. to go do extra work.  Whoa.  Anyway I don't want to have that brain click again so I'm really steering away from having such super negative, toxic thoughts about people.  I wonder who I will become since that is what occupies like 85% of my brain power.  Anywhooo gotta go to bed - love you Bluebie bye.

Better.

I definitely feel better.  Being able to be here more in the apartment and cook and stuff has really helped.  What?  What does that mean?  It means I need as much time off as I work.  I just need so much recovery time and I need to be able to sleep, exercise, meditate and REST.  Also cook.  And DO DISHES.  Blech.  I cant stand doing dishes but it makes the guy so upset when I don't.  So I do them.  He does so much.  It's sunny out and that helps times million.  Also I have a home group here now so I see people every week and I'm reaching my hand out to people who are new or coming back so that helps.  I'm not just showing up at meetings trying to get something out of it - I am showing up trying to bring something to the meeting.  I need to lay down.  I didn't sleep well last night - I had too much coffee too late.  I always have these dreams where I am peeing someplace completely inappropriate - like a dressing room or something like that.  Like the floor of the dressing room.  Last night it was a massage parlor and I sat on the table and peed through the facehole.  While I was doing it I thought no one will notice this pee right?  Because there was carpet so I thought it would just go soak in and be gone.  Then some people walked in and I was like oh nothing to see here I definitely wasn't just peeing off the massage table.  Good lord.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2725.

I made a mistake and mixed up the numbers of my days last post so I just fixed it.  I wonder if I have done that before.  HOLY SHIT I HAVENT WRITTEN FOR SO LONG!!!  Wow I have been busy.  I have had a fair amount of auditions, some call-backs and a few shows a week.  With the tutoring it has taken up my days.  Plus the guy.  I am feeling better.  I have been taking the holistic stuff the holistic doctor prescribed to me and well - so I feel a little better.  Last weekend the guy and I went away for our anniversary to the water.  That was fun and we stayed in this hotel that looked like the shining.  Haha it was hilarious.  All snowed in and cozy by the water.  We bought bathing suits and went swimming and went in the Jacuzzi - it was fun.  I was freaking out a little bit the whole time because it is super hard for me to relax even though I'm fucking exhausted all the time.  We had a nice time - we travel well together.  Today it is sunny and beauuutiful outside!  I went to my women's meeting and went to breakfast with the ladies afterwards.  I managed to ask for a salad instead of potatoes with my omelet.  How do I always spell that fucking word wrong?  Omlette is spelled omelet.  WOW - OKAY.  Anyway so now I have so much to do - I have lines to memorize and writing to do.  I'm getting sleepy but I'm not going to nap I'm going to do my work.  I booked a job.  I'm so terrified to even talk about it but I did.  I'm so fucking excited.  I'm doing a chemistry read this week and a reading - it's so exciting.  So I need to stay calm and do my work so I can be ready to do my shows, the podcast and work on that this week.  Okay so I do feel better although I'm obviously still so sad about my father and just missing him like crazy.  I didn't realize how much he called me.  Oh it's the saddest thing in the world and now I'm crying.  I still just keep thinking about what a nice death he had.  I feel like God gave him a beautiful death.  He had a lovely day with his family and was so excited about his birthday party.  He was in a good mood.  He went to sleep happy.  I just wish I got to say goodbye.  But then again how hard is that?  For him I mean?  Anyway I just try to let myself cry about it and then eat like a gallon of ice cream.  No I'm kidding.  I just am feeling it.  I hate writing this right now what in the fuck am I talking about?  I am feeling better but I am still heart broken over losing him so suddenly.  One of these days it will just be me remembering the good times right?  Okay I have to stop - I feel like I am just writing this and crying to avoid JOGGING.  Is that possible??  My subconscious is a lazy fuck.  Yuck.  Love you bye.

Day 2708

Ooof.  Okay wow - day 2708.  It's Wednesday - the political system is a disaster and Trump is proving to be just as horrible as people predicted.  Honestly I can't really talk about it.  I'm watching things and I'm aware of what is going on but I just don't want to get into it here.  For all the political people reading this blog!  Sigh it's awful.  Anyway I have been busy and trying to take care of myself.  My face slapping has ceased and I feel less hormonal.  I'm going to enjoy these 4 days of relief and keep taking care of myself.  I prayed and meditated this morning and worked on my audition for tonight.  It's sunny out and that always helps.  I'm trying to cut back on caffeine and drinking more tea.  I wonder if I could be more boring right now.  Anyway I love boring at home.  I love it!  Bring on the boring!  Calm and boring.  I just ate and now I want to fall asleep.  I just love sitting on this couch and working.  Okay I have to go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Stayed For My Thinking.

I came for my drinking and stayed for my thinking.  That's a slogan in the program.  And I certainly have stayed for my thinking.  These last few weeks have certainly showed me that.  Last night the guy and I got into an argument.  I believe it was meant to be  a healthy discussion but that's now how it ended.  Then it went over into today and culminated in me smacking the shit out of myself.  Then he suggested I call my therapist which I did.  She asked me to stop doing that to myself and we spoke and she suggested I just spend some time alone - which I did - for the entire rest of the day and I finally started to feel a tiny bit better a little while ago.  I did some step work and I just was able to see - something.  Who knows what - I'm too fucking tired now to delve too deeply into anything or even remember what all the details are.  I just know I'm an alcoholic with negative thinking and depressive behavior.  Maybe I do remember.  Anyway - I'm better than I was years ago but for some fucking reason I am dipping back into the depression and the sadness.  I'm sure it's my father - how can it not be??  Am I supposed to be OVER it?  It's been 7 months so who cares??  No.  I don't know.  I felt like I had so much to say and that it was important to say and now I just want to watch Friends.  What the fuck am I going to do when the last episode plays?  My GOD - anything!  I could start watching Law and Order from the beginning again - that was amazing.  Watching a show before and after plastic surgery that has a lot of older actors on it is fascinating - holy shit.  Anyway I guess I still have a lot of negative thinking and maybe one day those grooves in my brain will move over and start a new path.  How do people do it?  How do I keep going?  I can't keep slapping myself but it's better than slapping someone else right?  Maybe no one should get slapped.  Maybe I need to meditate more - even though I meditate a lot.  It's okay - it's just a dip.  Bye.

Who cares?

I mean that in the good way.  This last month found me super depressed - very dark - very "What's the point and I'm a failure and for some reason I can't get off the couch I need to eat I need to eat I need to eat."  DARK - it was so dark.  Sad.  Just old, old sadness and I'm sure the new sadness of losing my father and who knows what else.  I landed in it.  So I went to the holistic doctor again (the snake doctor) and he gave me some stuff but more that that he said I was depressed and validated that I would be and made me feel like there was something that could be done about it.  So what in the fuck is my point I forgot already.  Oh yes......what also happened was these negative thought loops came up again - about other people and mistakes I have made and all the examples of what a piece of shit I am,  I mean holy shit - just pervasive and like a mental attack of myself - awful.  I just have this image of my mind being in space and it just being attacked Star Wars style - just shit coming at my mind rapid fire and so quickly and strongly that I just can't get away from it or even tell it's not real.  I mean it's real it's just not out of my control I guess.  I feel like the worst part of those thoughts is they seem so real.  It's all the proof - all the proof of why I should never and can never be happy.  But not only that - I should also be ashamed of myself.  OH MY GOD HOW AWFUL IS THAT???  Right?  Jesus Fucking Christ.  So today - today I am meditating and I realize who cares?  Who cares if I did make tons of mistakes?  Who cares?  I am a good person.  I love my family and I have cleaned up so much of my life and I work so hard at growing, loving and changing my nature.  And it doesn't matter.  It's just some stuck groove in my brain - it's not real and it doesn't matter.  Who cares.  I don't care.  I do not fucking care anymore.  I will make more mistakes and it's fucking fine.  I have to go.  I have so much shit to do today and it's actually SUNNY out right now!!  Oh my God I just want to go sit in it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Depression - The Other White Meat

Christ I am blue.  I just feel so fucking sad.  I can think of a ton of reasons why but the only one that really makes sense is that I am actually depressed.  Like a chemical thing.  It's okay.  I'm dressed, I'm clean, I'm going to do a seminar, I'm fed and I have had plenty of coffee, green tea and vitamins.  PLENTY.  I can't help but think some of this is from drinking way too much coffee so I have burnt out my serotonin or something somehow.  I don't know - Winter stinks that's all.  Over the weekend people told me that tutors get paid a ton of money per hour - which I had no idea and so now I feel like these French fuckers are taking advantage of me.  This is the thing though - um - Im not a tutor - hello.  I am helping them yes but not with math!  Not at all - can't do it.  I'm basically a babysitter.  I don't know - I think I'm going to take some classes and figure out how to become a tutor next.  Till then I can get some experience here.  I am fucking exhausted.  Jesus.  I literally barely did anything today and I took a nap and I'm so tired.  See?  I'm depressed.  It's okay.  I'm just going to keep saying that - it's okay.  It feels necessary and I'm not sure why.  I miss my mother.  I feel like I should leave her alone because she is grieving and she has my other sister there.  Ah - it's so sad to me.  Ugh - I am just a ball of uncomfortable feelings.  The worst - it's sickening.  Do you know what makes me feel better?  Friends.  I just watch Friends.  All the time.  Every night.  Sometimes during the day.  It's the only thing besides cooking that makes me feel better.  I mean getting on stage does but good Lord - that just doesn't happen enough.  At all.  I need to hustle and get some shows.  Trying to hustle when I am depressed is like trying to scream in a dream - it doesn't happen.  Okay - well this has been lovely no?  Wish me luck and a broken leg on this seminar - love you Bluebie bye.