Okay here's the thing.

I'm at the store today so I am thinking.  It's been a little busy so that's good.  I have realized these last couple of months that I am reasonably good at comedy - right?  And for years - well okay this was when I was already bottoming out - but I was always trying to be something else.  Some OTHER kind of comedian and actress.  Now I am beginning to learn that I am fine how I am and THEN I'm worried I wasted SO much time.  How is it ever going to be okay for me?  I don't know.  All I know is my thinking stinks and I need to change it.  I was so sad today and the streets were so quiet this morning and I told myself that it was going to suck today.  Then I said no - no its going to be great.  I just said it's going to be great and it's been a good day.  People have come in and shopped.  Okay so that's one thing I'm thinking about - changing my thinking.  I love my thinking!  See - there I have already begun.  Now the other thing.  I remembered these women (one woman in particular) who I drank at - and was still upset about FOR YEARS.  I wrote about it on her - many times.  I always thought I was such a victim of her somehow.  I remembered something I said to her - that was so - rude.  So unkind and - I don't know - I just remembered that recently and I really was like - WOW - that was such a douchey thing for me to say and I'm a victim of her?  That had to have hurt her feelings or made her furious at best.  Needless to say I'm thinking about it and she's not.  I just realized as all alcoholics finally do at some point - that I had a huge part in what failed in the relationship.  Aw - it's sad.  But okay.  WHY AM I WRITING THIS?  I'm so fucking bored.  I need a better job and I can't fathom working in an office - I tried to apply for something and my soul dried up and died even before I applied.  OKAY - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT AND BE OKAY.  That's it.  There we go.  LOVE you Bluebie bye.