I HATE MY JOB

I hate it - I hate it so much. I had to leave tonight without saying goodbye. I realized at the end of the shift that the SCUMBAG FUCKING CREEPY GROSS DISGUSTING DOUCHEBAG of a doorman once again sat the room according to who flirts with him. Which means - even though I had horrible people and had to deal with total bullshit - she made tons of money because she flirts with him. So because the dishwasher didn't show up the creep also did that job so that he could make that money also. And where I work we tip out the dishwasher - so I had to tip out this fucking asshole for fucking me over basically. I'm not sure if this makes any sense except the big thing is that - these people don't give a shit about ANYTHING but themselves and it sucks. He fucked me over and the other girl there also. NOt the one who made all the money - there was 3 of us working. @ of us made about 100 each and the other one made almost 300. Which can happen - you can have a great night and bad nights. The point is he sat all the underaged people and one HORRENSOUS large party in my sextion and gave the other girl hardly any people and she said everyone was stiffing her. So instead of making it even - spacing out all the people amongst everyone - he gave her ALL the good ones. Look - I know I sound crazy but I'm not and the part that makes me most angry is he's married and he's a complete dirtball. And more than that - part way through the night a group of 7 women came in and he asked me to take them and I did and because he was washing dishes they got rowdy and upset people. He's the doorguy and the bouncer and he's supposed to police the room. But instead he was washing dishes to make extra money. And creepy girl made more money tonight than most people make on a Friday or Saturday and NEVER at some places. It totally sucks and it makes me completely disrespect the place. The manager SEES the paperwork - you see I made this much and she made that much and the other girl made this much. AND you SEE the guy is a dirtball and nobody does anything. The place is a mess and I'm sick of it. I want a new job. I want a job where I am taken care of because I DO A GOOD JOB and because I'm a good person and I'm nice and I tip out well. Jesus - I shouldn't even be doing this for a living. I just can't stand that he gets to be a creep and manipulate my money - it's complete bullshit. It's so wrong. And he hates me anyway because when he first started working there he treid to tell me what to do about a check and I said please leave me alone - I'm responsible for this money and I don't know what you are talking about. He proceeded to keep trying to get in my face till I said LOUDLY - GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU ARE COMPLETELY FREAKING ME OUT - what do you not understand about getting away from me? Well ever since then we have had problems and he just LOVES to pretend like we are friends now until a night like this when I realize - no - no we are not friends - you would run me over for 45 dollars. I knew that one waitress was being to quiet. Such a scumbag this chick is - it's crazy. But she gets what she wants - and if what you want is having that guy anywhere near you then HAVE the money because he is NEVER going to touch me. One time he really got in my face - freaked me out - I went and got the manager because he's a big dude - he could hurt me. She told him to leave me alone - but she wasn't there so she was like - you leave him alone also. Well the next night - he tried to hug me - like hold me?? He was like - come here - come here - all gesturing with his arms in a SUPER CREEPY SOFT WAY and I said - no - no I amnot feeling well and I am not doing that. Then one of the other door guys tells me that this guy said he tried to make up with me but I shot him down. And I said Oh - oh I shot down being held by him in a dark hallway - yes - yes - that's true. And he was like - oh - ohh. Durrrrr. This same guy (second door guy) also told me that he's the best looking and the smartest in his family. Um - oh - OKAY - sure - great - do you want the number for where I go to therapy because you are fucking crazy. Never once did Senor Creepy Seater say SORRY for getting in your face and threatening you physically because I don't like that you won't flirt with me. All of it is so fucking illegal and dare I say - neanderthal type behavior but it's bad for the club. He wasn't doing his job - he wasn't taking care of the show. It's poorly taken care of and I just see how bad it is. It's like watching something fall apart only I have a feeling this is how it's always been. Look - I wouldn't have a job - except for the fact that we were allowed to drink on the job and that's why I was. EVERYONE smoked pot and so I did. But I got in trouble for drinking and then I ahd to go back there - mortified with my tail between my legs and have everyone be pissed at me because they couldn't drink while they were working anymore. And now - almost a year and a half later - I am being fucked over by someone who sexually harasses people and blatantly manipulates the system for his own purposes. I don't want to work there anymore and I don't know what to do. My sister (who is the only one who knows about this blog) said I should ask you blog to help me get a new job. I'm so upset - tonight was horrible - AWFUL and there is still the weekend. Everytime he works I have the worst night - the worst customers - he loads them all on me. He must actually be a decent judge of character because somehow he knows which people are difficult. And I look like I'm a bad waitress. And it makes me more upset that I care what kind of waitress I am except I want to do the best I can at whatever I'm doing. And I lead another discussion tonight at a meeting and it was mortifying and I didn't feel like I did a good job. I don't know - I don't know if I can do this. I have really bad PMS and I really feel like I'm going to lose my shit. And tomorrow night is a bad night. I will be sat crazily. I'm just angry and awake and I hate how much I hate these people. And then I feel left out. And I also - I just really - I'm afraid. I'm afraid to drink again - and I should be. I want to love myself. I have to figure out a way to protect myself. How to insulate myself. He and she already are getting the shit end of the stick but I have to take care of myself and I don't know how to do that. I guess I just have to get a new job. I have to go out and find one. I'm so sad that I have to go find ANOTHER waitressing job. It makes me crazy in my head. So so sosososo crazy. I think I have to let this go right now. And if tomorrow night is the same way I have to - I don't know. Talk to the managers? Right - I should tattle and look like an asshole and they are fucking spineless and that's why there are scumbags working there to begin with. Nothing will change - it will just be worse. God please help show me the way. I do not know the way. I will call my therapist tomorrow and my sponsor and go to a meeting and the gym. Please help me to listen inside myself and find an answer. Please help me to help me more. Please. Help me to love myself more. Let me love myself more than I hate them. That has got to be the better way. Thank you for being here blog. You are a really good listener.