I had this dream about a face with

wires coming out the back of it.  Okay - this was like someone lost the back of their head or really all of their head and all that was left was the face and to make it work correctly there were wires coming out of the back of it and it was inside a box.  A headless face that was electronic in a box.  It was so fucking weird it woke me up.  I went back to sleep and this time the face thing was out of the clear box and attached to it's proper body and it had a baseball hat on.  I kept thinking that the head was going to get fucked up with a hat on - the wires would get messed up and I thought maybe it would hurt the face head.  So in an effort to keep myself sane I have stopped taking this medicine for a little bit and I walked the dog, did some laundry and I watered my plants and vacuumed.  I'm going to go to therapy and come home and get a good night's sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.  I worked on my resume - so I can look for new jobs and tomorrow I am just asking her for a raise and if she says no I can just leave once I get something else.  Okay - keep it simple, clean and lean.  I just have to get back on the healthy food wagon.  No more sugar, bread and cheese.  Lots of water and green drinks.  It will be okay - this is just a bad dip that's all.  Bye Blueberry - love you.

Take 2 on this day.

I went back to sleep and woke up less crazy but still so crazy.  It's not fair to say I get suicidal but I do get instantly existential crisisy - so very much so.  I stayed here in Harlem today but I went to a meeting here and it was beautiful and they gave me cake.  I stayed in my pajamas all day and I got Chinese food.  I listened to an under earner's phone meeting which was amazing and my sponsor was on the phone with me forever.  I was so tired today I thought I was going to fall over walking to that meeting.  I am so sore and I am still so tired but I do feel less toxic.  Okay - I don't understand anything - I sent that guy from work and apology note.  How crazy is that?  He tells me everyone hates me and I say I'm sorry.  I suppose I pushed him towards it somehow....he said to me once something about emasculating him.  I had no idea.  I have to go - I'm going to rest more now - bye.

Oh dear.

What a terrible weekend.  I worked for so long and made no money and to top it off - oh my God this is so ridiculous....I was so upset last night - I had no tables and that door guy just seemed to sit everyone else - and then he was fucking SLEEPING - full on - SLEEEPING in the balcony during the last show - sleeping so much that his finger was twitching and I had to have the other door guy wake him up.  I t made me so mad - he's SLEEPING in front of customers and also - thye are the bouncers and if some shit went down - he was SLEEPING.  So I said something to him at the end of the night - 2:30 in the morning and he says to me - "Eeryone here hates you tonight and for a good reason."  I got filled with so much poisoness rage and also got my feelings so hurt and I left - after I tattled on him to the manager - I'm sick of it - he fucks with my money - why should he be able to sleep?  What am I doing?  I cried the whole way home - I'm so suicidal and I really just want to drink.  I feel so sick - I haven't really slept - why am I here?  I work this job so I can be an actress - I'm not an actress and I don't make enough money to live.  It's so awful.  Oh my God -w here is the positive in this?  I posted something on Facebook - why did I do that?  I also ate more horrible food this week than in God knows  how long - I'm so toxic right now.  I should lay down again - I feel so sick.  I can't go back to these jobs - I just can't.  I just can't do any of this anymore.  What's the point?  I really don't know.

Let the record show....

I left that store today and walked to Starbuck's, got something delicious and walked myself right through Central Park  It was gorgeous.  The sun was starting to set and it was so lovely, green and wonderful.  I let out some good, melodramatic sighs and reaaaaally breathed.  Then I walked most of the way home, got some food, walked the dog and did my little work-out video,some yoga and dry body brushed myself.  I got in the shower and put leave-in conditioner in - got out of the shower - left in the leave-in conditioner, put on a mask and watched some Law and Order.  I got back in the shower, rinsed everything off and scrubbed myself with lavender body salts.  I finally feel better.  Let the record show - I can take care of myself - I just have to focus.  Holy fuck - my skin feels amazing.  I just have to give this to myself.  Oh!!  I also listened to a CD of someone speaking at a meeting - what a brilliant way to stay sober when not going to a meeting - I loved it.  Okay - bye Bluebers. 

What the fucking fuck? Seriously.

I am so annoyed - I suddenly and plummeting - okay I can't even take myself seriously right now.  I have been looking at star gossip all day and why am I not been photographed and drinking lattes and glowing and pregnant with my husband trailing behind me?  This job is so stupid!!  I left class last night feeling SO abundant and fulfilled and now today - this.  Trying to sell clothes to nasty ladies.  Why hasn't she given me a raise?  I guess she's not going to and I really hate being in here all day - it's torture.  Ugh - what the heck - I'm too tired - I woke up late and I feel gross.  I had a muffin for breakfast and grilled cheese, french fries and onion rings for lunch.  WHY do I do that???  For 5 minutes I feel SO good and then I crash.  OMG a grandma just came in with her gaaaaay 5 year old grandson - they knocked over a bunch of shit and left.  Seriously?  Why aren't I adopted 2 Asian babies?  I love Asian babies.  Bye.

WOW - way different day.

I'm here at the store and I am exhausted from just being here.  The owner has been crazy all day - for once I knew not to take it personally and I just sort of tried to step aside from it but seriously - when someone is being snarky, yelling and being harsh and saying things like (I'm not kidding) "I'm drowning here!!!!" it's hard not to get annoyed.  She actually said "I"M DROWNING HERE!!!"  And I'm melodramatic?  Jesus.  She was all upset about who knows what and she always freaks out about different vendors and how annoying they are - but she literally orders things, sends them back and then reorders them - ALL the time.  It's so nuts.  She's all over the place.  Well - so now I am depleted.  I think maybe I should - what?  Get a new job?  Yes - exactly - get a new job.  I have to go - I'm just leaving right now - this is ridiculous.  Bye Bluebers - I will feel better after a walk and a coffee and a meeting and maybe I will fall in love on the way to all that or at least win the lottery.  I don't even WANT to win the lottery - I just want to have fun, be happy, be able to express myself and be helpful in the world and not selling stupid clothes for someone who says "I'm drowning here" when she is at home with a nanny and a house keeper.  She's drowning in a wading pool - please.  Yeee mother fucking eeesh.  BYE!!  Love you!!

Hi.

So I had a day today - a full day.  Got lots of sleep, went and got the dog's special food, took care of her and me and went to therapy, took myself to dinner and went to my favorite meditation meeting.  Yesterday was also grand - I went to the show and it was really funny - veeeerrryy dirty but hilarious and got pulled onstage to dance with this SMOKING FUCKING HOT dude - whose crotch - of course - I could not stop staring at the entire time we were dancing together.  He was very sweet and funny actually.  He had a  really thick Hispanic accent and he said to me "You're a really good dancer" while he was staring at MY crotch - so touche.  I got my vitamins today and got myself conditioner since the last time I bought it - turns out it was actually shampoo.  I totally cut this guy in line at Duane Reade and then I realized I was holding 2 MORE fucking bottles of shampoo.  Oh my God I would have had a heart attack if I got home and had 3 bottles of fucking shampoo.  Sooooo - yup - it's good to be sober.  This sounds so boring right?  I love it.  It's getting easier to take care of myself - a little bit.  I just need to stay on this path.  I wrote salt by accident and was hit by such a craving for salt water taffy.  Bye Bluebs.