Trying not to hurt myself

We just went for the jog we go on every Sunday.  It's a beautiful sunny fall day - the leaves are so so beautiful  We got in a fight.  He feels taken advantage of.  Now I want to fucking hurt myself and I am trying with all the love I have in me for myself not to.  He is having a reaction I'm not sure to what.  He wants me to just get a job and do acting stuff around here - basically to give up.  Or change the vision I guess.  It's not so crazy - he's tired of paying for everything.  I said this year has been different though - I had cancer right?  He said it's all the other years.  I am trying to not take this into my body.  It feels so awful.  He went on jogging and I walked home by myself and it was fucking awful.  I am so fucking sick to my stomach.  Maybe it's the answer I don't know but it feels fucking so gross and sad.  Also he hugged me before he jogged off and said he wanted an easier life.  He wants to be able to go on vacation and whatever - go out to eat - do stuff normal people can afford to do - especially people without kids.  But guess what?  This is the part that I can't handle.....he doesn't feel healing to be around.  He's always pushing me and honestly I can't fucking handle it.  Please just go find someone else who will have sex with you exactly 3 times a week, jog with you, has money and enough of a career that you are doing exactly what you want and ALSO is very kind, healthy and understanding.  Please go find that person and while you are at it go fuck yourself.  Please - go completely fuck yourself.  I told him YESTERDAY when he said it that maybe it's the right plan but it doesn't feel right right now.  Then when he first said it today I said the same thing and he just wouldn't back the fuck off.  I feel TERRIBLE that he feels taken advantage of - that is a horrible horrible feeling.  I can understand him feeling that way - but I am not doing that.  I just can't.  Honestly it just feels like he is being a baby but what do I know?  The only thing I know is this feels awful in my body and I just want to get away from him.  This is why I never wanted to get married.  I don't have it in me.  I don't care get away from me.  I never promised him fucking anything.  AN EASIER LIFE???????  So just give up my dreams so you can go to the fucking carribean twice a year??  Go fuck yourself.  I just feel the whole thing in my boob and I feel like he's killing me.  What can I do?  Go to Ct and live I h

Slightly Less Than Completely Insane

I am on the couch and it's probably a miracle I haven't spent more days like this.  I didn't sleep last night and I was so upset this morning I couldn't leave the house.  I was scratching this horrible rash all night long and I just was SO upset about it.  Then I finally realized that maybe it's the fucking chemo they are still giving me.  I looked it up and there were a million posts of women talking about how the chemo made them not be able to sleep and also gave them a horrible rash.  So I did a little more research and went to the drug store and got some Claritin.  I took it and I feel a bit better.  The rash feels better - I'm also getting tired as we speak.  The stuffy nose isn't quite better but in general I feel less awful.  I mean emotionally - because at least I understand somewhat what the fuck is happening.  so yeah.  I didn't go to that audition again today but what can I do?  Some days we don't feel well and for me it was the last 2 days.  I meditated twice and I will get on the treadmill.  I might even take a nap right now.  I also went and got myself a bagel and when I tell you it was WORTH IT - I mean good CHRIST it was worth it.  The most delicious bagel I have ever eaten in my life.  I just can't figure out why they wouldn't have told me at the hospital that the chemo can cause a rash.  Also I haven't been sleeping and I did ask them about that.  I told my nurse about the rash.  I actually think I did tell the Oncologist.  Gosh I know I am making myself a victim of them and I am not.  I finally figured out what the fuck is going on and I am not drinking anymore caffeine in the afternoon and I think the Claritin is really going to help.  I could have some nice, hot, herbal tea at night and I bet that would help too.  It's okay.  Who knows maybe the chance of this happening is very slim but anyway it's happening and it just keeps getting worse.  God I want to stop the chemo so bad.  I just want to be done.  I'm gong to ask on Tuesday if I can be done.  I think maybe that Claritin just kicked in - my nose suddenly feels better.  I'm going to lay down and let myself rest.  Now my nose feels funny again.  Great.  I a less itchy.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Batshit Crazy Until 8 Minutes Ago

I was taking black cohosh for my hot flashes and the hot flashes got better but I slowly started to get more and more hormonal until yesterday when I had a full on nervous breakdown for 2 days.  It didn't help any that I just feel so fucking terrified of the cancer coming back and that I don't have any real ways of taking care of it.  Which isn't true.  The medicine they gave me didn't work and this stuff I was just taking didn't work - but there are other things that could work.  The problem is that I also just didn't take care of myself this week in the right ways.  I did things I didn't want to do because I was people pleasing and it hurt me.  I was going to go audition (an open call) for this TV show today and I literally was so insane last night that I changed my mind and thank GOD I did because I was crying for 3 hours this morning.  I meditated twice and talked to my sponsor for an hour and I still didn't feel better until whatever - 12 minutes ago.  Fucking insane.  I also ate a salad and exercised and I have no idea what shifted but something finally did.  I guess if I want to I can go tomorrow but I just don't fucking care anymore.  I mean about show business and trying to figure out how to "make it."  I will never figure it out and I am so so SO fucking tired of hurting myself and not getting the "nutrition" I need from life.  I'm over it.  I am still in treatment for fuck's sake and I'm going to go stand in line for 6 hours??  By the time I get to them I am going to be so angry and exhausted - how charming could I possibly be?  Who cares.  I sent in a video.  I DONT CARE ANYMORE.  I want to live and love and breathe.  I also had sex and like 4 orgasms so maybe that's why I finally felt better.  Anyway - who the fuck knows - this is a lifetime practice for me.  I just am so ready to not take care of myself at any moment and I think I need to trust and risk that I will be taken care of if I take care of myself.  That's it.  So today I took care of myself.  I have a show here tonight and then hopefully I will sleep again tonight.  I hadn't slept in God knows how long but I finally did last night.  I just can't have any caffeine in the afternoon - none.  Anyway I think I was also dehydrated.  I'm drinking lots of water.  God life is confusing.  I'm going to work on my show for tonight.  Make myself a healthy dinner.  Keep drinking water and meditate again if I need to.  Yeah I don't know.  I don't want my life to be in vain but I also can't kill myself anymore trying to make stuff happen.  I'm meant to be happy.  We all are.  I am sober also to be happy, joyous and free.  Okay I will let you know what I decide about tomorrow and try to do it from a place of love and power.  Yeah I will meditate and think about it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday.

I'm so sleepy.  We have been watching Ozark and I have not SLEPT since we started watching that fucking show AND I couldn't STOP watching it.  So fucking alcoholic.  Just scratching that itch that's bleeding.  Anyway now we are done and until the next season comes out hopefully I can seep again.  But I have been getting so tired during the day.  Whatever.  Anyway I have a busy weekend ahead so that's good.  I have show everyday/night and my meetings etc.  On Sundays the guy and I jog together outside.  I feel much much better from the biopsy and I am continuing to read the book and work on healthy thinking.  The oncologist wants me to take another oral chemo and I said okay that I would try it - but I am not going to try it.  I finally also feel better from the last one and I just can't do it.  I know it's maybe crazy?  But is it?  If the side effect is osteoporosis - how helpful is it?  I don't know.  I just believe there's another way.  I am grateful - I think they saved my life, stopped the cancer and now it's up to me to get mentally, physically and spiritually strong - they gave me the space to realize and begin this.  I will finish the other chemo (even though I have a huge rash all over my body) but as far as other unhealthy things - I just have to stop now.  I'm just such a fucking people pleaser I didn't know how to say no so I just said I would try it.  She actually paused and said okay because I think she expected me to argue.  I don't want to argue.  If being passive aggressive is the only way I can do it right now then fine.  I am going to let that be fine!  Okay so - that's where I am.  It's so crazy right?  Cancer.  Fuck - so fucking scary and crazy.  This time last year I knew I had to do chemo and I couldn't fucking believe it.  I was so scared.  I'd had surgery.  Now I am in a much better place in a lot of ways.  I am thinking in a healthier way and I feel 85% less like a victim.  I feel like I have choices in how I think and tools to help me think better.  I have a new sponsor and tons of people were so kind, loving and helpful to me.  From a beautiful, loving place.  It still blows my mind.  How kind people can be and COMEDIANS at that!  Go fucking figure.  I'm going to make myself some coffee and have an apple.  Big hug blog!  xoxoxo

Monday.

It's Monday and I am alive and well - basically.  I am healing from the biopsy and I finally started jogging again - yesterday we went outside which was great.  Today I will start yoga again and I started eating healthy again.  He says in the book - his name is Raymond Francis - that we should avoid the big 4 - at least in America - wheat, dairy, sugar and processed oils/excess animal protein.  GOD THAT'S SO HARD.  Last night I had shows and one was by this pizza place, it's a famous place and it's usually totally packed with a line out the door down the street.  Well last night it was quiet so I went in and looked at the pizza, asked some questions, somehow got myself to leave and then THOUGHT ABOUT THAT PIZZA THE WHOLE TIME I WAS AT THE SHOW.  Dear GOD.  Honestly it's not even like once in awhile I can't have the pizza or whatever but my problem is once I start it opens a flood gate so I just have to basically stay away from it.  I came home after the shows and made myself sweet potato fries (from scratch oven baked) with olive oil, garlic and fresh rosemary.  Then I made a chipotle, garlic mayo (fresh no sugar) and dipped them in that.  It wasn't pizza but it was really yummy.  UGH.  Anyway who the fuck am I?  I don't know but I want to live so I have to make my own food and just try to stay away from the crap.  Also it's expensive and I don't have any money - any extra money anyway.  So I am trying to audition for something and I need clean material - very hard for me.  I'm not super dirty but I'm not super clean.  It's a REALLY short audition.  I just have to think about it.  I forgot to call my alanon sponsor this morning.  My brain is a little fried from the chemo.  God only 2 more months of it.  I don't even want to go ever again.  I have to go tomorrow.  How am I going to do it???  Should I do it?  Hasn't it been enough already?  It's been almost an entire year of chemotherapy plus radiation for 5 weeks.  Good Lord.  Alright well I have lots of things to do, go to the bank and go work with the kids then my meeting and service.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Calming Down

I moved to NYC 20 years ago this past August.  I have been trying to - ugh I don't know.  God every time I write on here I can hear myself talking in my head like I'm an author working on a novel and IT STINKS.  Here's the deal....for the past 20 years or so I have thought about and tried to break into show business.  Even when I was drunk and just watching Oprah and Dancing With The Stars - I was still studying.  Okay so what's my point?  I give up that's my point.  Not completely but I give up trying to force my hand.  Mostly because I don't want to get cancer again and it hurts me.  When I start to stress out and go really fast my boob starts to beat and it feels AWFUL.  UGH it's so gross!!!  I am reading yet another book about health and this one - it's actually 2 by the same man but I am reading this one "Never Feel Old Again" first because it's a library book and needs to go back.  The other one (which I started but is on hold in my office - meaning just sitting there) is called "Never Fear Cancer Again."  Omg did I write about this already?  Not about the first book - no I didn't.  Anyway the part I read last night that really struck me was about stress and how bad it is for our cells.  I spent all day yesterday - hours - working on my show for tomorrow night but not the creative part just the producing part.  I love producing!  But it is so stressful.  I was STRESSED OUT.  Ugh even writing that feels awful.  SO.  So I'm done.  I'm done!!  If it's hurting me it can't be what God wants for me.  It's unnatural and I am not interested in it anymore.  So I have no clue.  No clue what to do or how the fuck I'm going to make a living.  But I woke up this morning and started to get stressed and then I thought to myself, "Whoa....I can breathe, I have a choice here, I can calm down, I can enjoy and live this day as well and as lovingly as possible."  Honestly I really don't know what I said but it was something like that.  I focused on my breathing, I calmed down and I prayed & meditated.  This is what I have always had the hardest time doing - letting go.  It's the 3rd Step - Let Go & Let God.  I always say I let go & let God but always say HOWEVER THIS IS HOW I WANT YOU TO DO SO DO IT THANKS.  Jesus is that as stressful to read as it was to write?  Yikes.  Anyway so whatever.  That's where I am.  I'm going to go for a walk.  Eat my lunch - a nice big salad.  Go see the kids.  Take a shower.  Love myself.  Love my guy.  Talk to myself.  Stay as calm but alive as possible.  Stay positive.  Stay in the light.  Keep rewiring my brain one moment at a time.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Can you handle some good news??

The biopsy I had done yesterday morning came back benign.  I cried for 15 minutes while I did the dishes and I have been crying off and on since.  I didn't realize how completely terrified I was.  Holy shit.  Look I know this journey isn't totally over yet but still - holy shit.  I took care of myself though - the days before and yesterday.  Even today before they called.  I ate a huge delicious salad for breakfast and I was about to get to work taking care of different things.  I even went to the kids yesterday and did shows last night.  And it was crazy raining weather!  I just wanted to live and be alive.  Holy fuck who I am?  I really am a different person now.  It's mind blowing.  God I am so relieved.  It's a beautiful day - I am going to do some work and then take a shower and go to the kids.  Go to my meeting tonight and get some sleep tonight.  I was up till so late - it took me forever to get home - there were roads blocked off all over the place because of the rain and I drove in circles for like 30 minutes trying to get back home.  Okay LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE!