Pain Is Hard But Discomfort Is Excrutiating.

I forgot to say what a nice weekend I had with the guy.  We went to see my family.  I cooked and he played with my nephew.  Then my nephew got bored of him and we made brownies.  It was so sweet.  Beyond sweet.  So nice to see everyone - laugh.  Ah.  I miss my father so much.  I just can not fucking believe it still.  His coats are still hanging by the kitchen door - thank God - and they smell like him.  Isn't that amazing?  I mean he's gone but he's still there.  And we are all there.  So I guess he's not totally gone.  He always smelled like a farmer.  There were a few times growing up where he really smelled like sheep - A LOT - and I was like holy fuck pull it together man.  That's too much.  Anyway so it's sad.  It's uncomfortable.  We did out podcast last night and did the show.  It was great except the part where everyone was ripping on white people and I was the only white person.  Ha!  Whatever it was funny.  Well one girl wasn't funny.  She was at first but then her hate made her not funny.  It's sad and I do it too.  Whenever I talk about Cunty Buns on stage it's not funny because I still hate her.  You can't just hate - there has to be some love in it or the audience doesn't like it.  Well anyway so I was uncomfortable driving home and at the show.  It had nothing to do with the show - I was uncomfortable before I go there.  I can't stand being uncomfortable and that's life.  I feel like it's life in sobriety.  Normal people know how to be uncomfortable.  Alcoholics don't or at least that's how I see it.  I can't stand things too good, too bad, too off, too on - I can't take FEELINGS.  And discomfort is excruciating.  Being present is excruciating.  Well anyway....so I'm uncomfortable today.  But it's sunny and I have things to do.  I got to pray and meditate.  I learned that mantra means mind instrument and it's helping my meditating so much.  Or it's helping anyway.  It blew my mind when I learned it.  Helped me to understand why there even IS a mantra in meditation.  Okay gotta go love you Bluebie bye.

Another Day.

Today is another day.  Yesterday wasn't so bad - I was in the city for an audition and a seminar and I had a long wait in between the two things which was difficult because it's cold now.  I sat in a diner - I shouldn't have spent the money but - well - I did.  I went to a meeting and saw a woman who is doing really well.  It's amazing to see the program working - it's absolutely beautiful and just astonishing.  Seeing someone heal - it's just mind blowing.  I'm so happy for her.  And she's really being of service too.  I have to say that is one of the most amazing things about the city - meetings ALL the time.  I guess if I really wanted to I could spend all my time waiting between things in meetings.  I guess it would really be nice to actually be able to do something - like write.  I need to go to the library.  I could also bring my computer!  Yes.  So anyway - today is a new day and I'm indoors.  I got to meditate for a long time this morning and now I'm having tea.  I just did the dishes after I made myself some eggs and that just feels glorious to me.  I love being at home.  Oh my mind is all over the place.  I have a show tonight and we are doing our podcast first.  Good fucking LORD I am in my head.  I had a lot of cheese and pasta - well mostly cheese over the weekend and seriously - I think it gives me brain fog.  I felt like I was high yesterday until like 5:30 at night.  I still kind of feel that way although meditating helped and I am about to exercise which should also shake out my head.  Oh it's so not worth it.  It's like having a hang over 3 days later.  I am now at a stage of life where I am SO POORLY effected by CHEESE.  No not cigarettes - CHEESE.  Oh jeez I don't know what it is but anyway man am I sensitive.  Okay I am stalling.  I don't want to exercise but I must.  It's part of my job to be in mediocre shape.  Ha!  Ugh.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

The Misunderstanding of My Perception

That is what is so fucked up about being an alcoholic.  My perception completely and utterly sucks sometimes.  It fucking stinks.  I guess I misunderstood what the guy was saying and not only that I had decided in my head a whole new plan to the life we have planned together and all of it sucked.  sucked hard in a really not sexy, not productive, not loving way.  My brain can really just blow sometimes.  This is why in the program there is the saying "Restraint of pen and tongue."  That means shut the fuck up because you think he said go fuck yourself when he really said we need to talk about some things and make some adjustments.  I heard "go fuck yourself" so I was like "GO FUCK YOURSELF I'M GETTING A DIFFERENT JOB FORGETTING MY DREAMS BECOMING A DIFFERENT PERSON BUYING AN ISLAND AND LEAVING YOU!!!!!!"  Right.  RIGHT.  So not only is my perception off I hear shit wrong too.  I can't even deal with myself right now.  I just watched Under The Tuscan Sun and cried through the whole thing.  I guess I needed to cry.  A lot.  I also realized that I think I watched that movie when I was still drinking because I remember parts of it and the ending but not al of it and it took me half the movie to realize I had seen it before.  Good fucking Lord.  Yeah.  Yeah I was definitely drunk when I watched that movie.  I watched that entire movie Adaptation coming in and out of a black out.  It's been 13 years - I should give it a go again.  I only remember Meryl Streep tripping and trying to brush her teeth.  I was so fascinated by how well she was acting that.  I was how the fuck does Meryl Streep now how tripping feels SO much??  She seemed so much older and I know she has 4 kids so I was like when the fuck has she found time to TRIP??  Good Lord.  Okay  I have to go.  I think I'm going to watch Friends now.  It really takes me out of myself and it's such a relief.  I'm going to leave the house tomorrow bye.

Disaster.

I'm a complete and utter disaster.  I have been crying all day.  I am out of money and I am so heart broken that I couldn't make the money he gave me last longer and that I didn't get anywhere in this 4 months.  I spent 3.5 hours this morning trying to figure out about my health insurance.  It was mortifying to say I'm not working.  Then after all of that - I still don't know if I have it.  I am so sad about my father also.  The whole thing - the holidays - how are we going to buy the kids presents?  they don't need anything but still.  I just - I'm so fucking depressed.  I haven't felt like this in years.  I haven't left the house or gotten out of my pajamas.  I didn't even open the blinds.  I feel horrible.  I'm - I just can't believe this.  I just didn't think after 4 months he would say forget it - get a job this isn't working.  It happens though right?  I have seen stores open in the city and 3 months later they are gone.  It's just heart breaking.  I feel like such a pussy - oh wah my guy wont keep giving me money so I don't have to work.  I know that's ridiculous - its not that.  Its that I really started to get good and get some momentum.  Its all that hard work for nothing or at least that's what I'm telling myself.  I don't know - I don't feel good.  I don't have to leave the house who cares.  I applied for a job and I signed up for a babysitting service.  I can work it's okay.  I'm just so confused.  I just don't want to talk to him either.  It feels crazy.  It's all me though I know it is.  I have my period, it's the holidays, my father died and I'm out of money.  I'm sitting up right now on the edge of the couch and honestly - it's exhausting.  I'm not trying to book any shows or do anything.  What's the point?  Why am I thinking like this right now?  I'm so filled with shame and humiliation - it's crazy.  I am a complete and utter mess.  Maybe I should just watch a movie.  I never even made the bed.  Okay - man.  I am not a sign of any kind of hope.  Maybe I have officially lost my mind.  Is it just hormonal?  I hope it's hormonal then it will change.  Okay bye. ps I just read this and it seems I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself.  Well I guess that feels right and now I'm going to lay down and think about it.  Bye.

Oh boy.

Well I'm a hot mess.  I woke up, prayed & meditated and cried while I was doing it.  I'm out of money and I feel like a loser.  I feel like everything is going to fall apart that I have worked so hard for these last 4 months.  Also - you know I didn't realize how resentful the guy was.  Is.  Im just sort of shell shocked.  I feel like I have to have a lot of faith and trust right now and I have t say - not my strong suit.  Freaking out and being miserable is my strong suit.  I did an audition yesterday - it took me 3 hours to do it - between getting ready, working on it and getting it on tape - right?  Guess what?  NO ONE HAS WATCHED IT.  Maybe that's not so crazy......but still - well if they don't watch it I can ask about it.  I just feel like maybe I should have gone to the live audition.  Well guess what?  It doesn't matter now.  I need to let go.  I am going to practice 3 things today.....letting go, being nice to myself and having faith.  It was excruciating to even write that.  EXCRUCIATING.  Jesus Christ.  I'm so in my head.  I'm just going to breathe.  All I can do is keep it in the day and do what I can do today.  I have to write something for our podcast right now.  Then I need to get ready.  Just keep doing the next right , kind thing for myself.  My stomach is bothering me like I have forgotten something.  I forgot to go back to bed.  I'm terrified.  I'm really fucking freaking out that I am going to have to go waitress again or something equally as soul sucking.  This probably isn't helpful.  I cant stand feeling this way but it will change.  It has to - things and feelings always do.  It's just a hard time.  I feel so far away from my mother.  She feels so far away.  Oh man I am a hot mess.  I am glad I am going into the city today - I do NOT need to sit here and think about myself anymore - good fucking LORD.  Love you Bluebie bye.

PMS = (Chaos x Feelings) + Rage

OH MAN.  I have had pms for what feels like 3 weeks and it is SO GREAT.  I am having a blast!  Last night my guy said he wanted to have a talk then confronted me about something and then WE HAD AN EPIC fight.  Oh man - I don't think we have had fight like that since I moved in a year ago AND it was one year ago yesterday - or really a day or two ago that I moved in.  That being said I love it here.  I love him.  I'm in deep!  But holy shit - that was awful last night.  I had an emotional hang over today.  I was so overly sensitive and it just occurred to me tonight that being sensitive sometimes for me is a reflection of not feeling well.  I'm always sensitive but it's worse when I don't feel well.  He just thought I was fucking around with my career - that I had no direction or plan.  It's all so complicated.  I don't know.  He was hurt and my feelings were hurt.  I didn't realize he was feeling that way.  I think he felt left out too - that always stinks.  It's the worst to feel left out.  Oh God - I swear this is what's hard about relationships.  The communication and the taking care of it, ourselves and each other.  It's so intense!  Throw in issues, childhoods and pms - good fucking LORD - its amazing anyone gets out alive.  I can tell you this dear blog - I am so fucking glad I have gone to therapy for all these years.  That shit is helping me beyond.  Okay now on to part 2 of this episode.....so tonight I went to pick up my dry cleaning right?  When I dropped off my dry cleaning I realized that I used to take an acting class in this town - when I was still drinking and I used to go to the train station to get to the class.  Tonight I parked and I saw the gazebo and realized I had rehearsed there with my scene partner.  I loved that class!  I loved the town mostly though.  It is the cutest little town.  I don't know - its just so weird - so full circle.  It's the town right by mine and yes it is completely insane that I have lived here a year without realizing it was the same place.  No - I knew it was the same place I think I thought it was a different area?  I don't know - I just didn't connect the dots.  I don't know.  Anyway.  I had a fun day of sifting through my emotions.  I do love coming home to here though - so much.  I love my guy.  Blah blah - love you Bluebie byeee.

So busy.

We went home last week for Thanksgiving and then I spent 3 days selling trees. It was so sad without my father - so confusing and a little stressful figuring it all out. But we did it and we did s good job. I think. Just now we did our podcast and I had class before that. I knocked it out of the park in class - it was awesome.  The podcast was great too. I have 2 shows tomorrow night and I'm going to drive so hopefully that will make going home late at night a little more mellow. I'm starving. So anyway- it was a great day and I'm trying to enjoy myself while I get to do all of this. No wait - let me rephrase that - I AM enjoying myself and loving being able to do all of this without being completely exhausted.  My work is so much better. Infinitely better. I'm not going to be in class for December - I can't afford it. Im going to have to see about January. I'm so busy! I have so much to do. I'm as grateful as ever to be sober. Oh I need a meeting to
Orrow. Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.