Here's my ideal apartment - a poem.

Sunny
Smells good
Safe
smoke free - cigarette and otherwise
Small enough to clean easily
Big enough to dance freely in
Very cute
A sense of freedom
the ability to create freely in it
a truly magical place
my own place
a gorgeous bathtub
a beautiful yet small functioning kitchen with an oven
closet space
hard wood floors that are beautiful
nice windows where my plants can grow and i can have FLOWERING plants even
the doggie will be happy
i can walk her easily, safely and often
great neighborhood
quiet
nice neighbors who do NOT smoke
close to my jobs right now
interesting
near great restaurants and groceries
VERY AFFORDABLE
A place where God can flow through me easily and I can focus and let my spigot WIDE open
Did I mention be able to be SUPER creative in?
A safe haven.  Amen.

Well okay.

My sister gave me a push to push harder on apartment looking.  So I have appointments for Friday to see places and I'm looking all the time and I have put the word out there more.  It is so super weird living at the house now - I mean - weirder than ever if that is possible.  I looked back on this blog for a year ago today and I suppose I am in a much better place.  I literally complained one year ago today about how I can't be creative there and how the cigarette smoke bothers me.  That was a different post - the cigarette smoke - I was woken up by it and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.  This was when they were still lying to me about that Princess Turd was even doing it.  Hilarious - in a not hilarious kind of way.  I'm so uncomfortable.  I ate 4 brownies last night when I got out of class.  Okay - 2 when I got out of class and 2 before I went to sleep.  It's so sad - I thought I was so trapped there at the house and I could have left at any point.  Well Her Lady Wonder says all the time that everything happens for a reason.  One day at a time - breathe.  How many more slogans can I come up with right now?  Well I can quote the movie Hope Floats....Beginnings are usually hard - endings are often sad and it's the middle that counts.  I'm making myself cry right now but I know it's fake because my nose tickles.  Whenever my nose tickles and I'm crying it's not authentic.  I also probably quoted that movie wrong.  NOW I WANT ICE CREAM.  Bye Blueberry - looove you.

The Bronx.

I went to the Bronx yesterday to work with my scene partner from class.  He had showed me a picture of the view of his room which was beaaauuuutiful - of the Palisades - gorgeous and told me he needed a roommate - his roommate is moving out.  I get there - it takes a long time - he brings me up to his apartment on the 14th Floor in a pretty building.  Guess what's not pretty?  The apartment.  Gorgeous view - totally crazy apartment starting with the fish farm (Tilapia) and Hydroponic plants, baby chicks and birds.  I'm not kidding.  So I'm not living in the Bronx.  I suppose on some level it's brilliant but on another level - the one where I want to live - no thank you.  Not in an apartment.  The baby chicks were just in a box - oh my lord - so unhealthy.  So that's that.  We got to rehearse for real at least.  It is a pretty view.  Then I did a show - that was fun and I went up first and I was - I would say mediocre.  Some of the jokes landed well and they were such a sweet audience.  I saw Larni there also and we went and got food.  I asked him why he wasn't having me on his show and he said because I'm too functional.  He needs dysfunctional people.  I guess he has never read my blog.  I said I didn't know if he was bullshitting me but I'm buying it.  He bought me dinner - it was so sweet.  I have to go get the dogs food, go to therapy and go to a meeting.  Call my sponsor who finally texted me yesterday.  I also need to go to the bank and cancel my YMCA membership.  I still need a place to live - bye Bluebie!!!

New day.

Yesterday was tough - work was hard - all of it because I was freaking out.  A girl at work was completely nasty to me because I was stressed out but honestly it helped me to stop freaking out and just shut up.  I think I am going to have to go to extra therapy for a few weeks.  Also I think I should stay so busy so I don't have too much time to think about anything.  Yes - that sounds right.  The one good thing I did last night besides finally shutting up at work was not share a cab with this girl.  Normally I would to save money but why?  They always make fun of me for buying soda water afterwards and - jesus - people can be so nasty.  So anyway - I did my work and I left.  I got free newspapers for the dog - 2 bottles of soda water and I had a nice quiet ride home that cost me an extra 5 dollars.  The only people I have ever helped sharing a cab - is them.  I always end up paying more.  Well - okay - I have to get back to really trying to have a good attitude again.  Jesus - I am in serious victim mode - I really am.  I have to go the Bronx to rehearse - what is THAT?  Also it's the Puerto Rican Parade today - what????  :Lord - bye Bluebs - love you.  I suppose I'm regressing a bit - I can get back.  I just can't drink or do drugs - that's all - just for today. 

I am so stressed out.

The night after Creepy told me that he needs me to move - I came home and they were having a big party.  It was totally like "Ding-dong the witch is dead - the wicked witch."  I walked to the train yesterday and I heard a little girl singing it.  It is a little hard to take but also - come on - I'm miserable here and Princess Boris hates me or - I have no idea.  I'm having so many feelings it's insane.  I went to an extra therapy session yesterday.  Her Lady Wonder was totally not nice to me and I haven't called her.  I think I need to get a new sponsor too.  Ugh - I feel sick.  It will be okay I guess - I don't even know when to look to move because I have to go to my nephew's Christening on the 1st.  I was supposed to be on vacation the week I would be moving by.  They bought a bed already to put in my room.  It's in the parlor room.  This was definitely not a flash decision.  Okay - I think I need to pray & meditate and take care of myself.  Get myself more together - figure out more of what I even need to move.  I have some money saved and I'm working.  I was grumpy with the lady from the store - only a little.  Okay - I have a show tomorrow night and I'm supposed to have rehearsal tomorrow here.  That might be a bad idea - rehearsal here?  Okay - I have to go.  Deep breathing - bye Bluebie - I love you.

I'm trying not to freak out but I am completely

freaking out.  I am selling more stuff than ever at this freaking store it's unbelievable!!  Jesus.  Okay - I have to freak out bye.

Creepy asked me to move out.

He wants his brain damaged mother to come live with him and then he wants the room to rent to bed and breakfast people.  Holy shit - talk about doing for me what I can't do for myself.  He wants me out in 30 days though.  I asked if it had anything to do with Princess Boris and he said he loves having me live there - he just needs more money.  WHY DO I CARE!?!?!??  I HATE living there.  I have no lock on my door, can't have men over - cigarette smoke, gay fights - no heat in the winter - hello?  Jesus.  Okay.  I have no idea what I am going to do.  He wants me out in 30 days.  My sister is supposed to come stay there on the 6th which is my birthday.  Fuck - okay - I don't have time to be dramatic about this really.  Blue Bluebie - I love you.