Chicken Sausage

Today is a day of reflection and chicken sausage.  It's my birthday tomorrow and after this year I can't help but think back over it.  It was also almost a year ago that I found out I had cancer.  To say I am emotional is an understatement.  Actually at the moment I am not emotional.  I just got off the phone with my sponsor and I had a chicken sausage so I am not crying anymore.  I have been getting this organic chicken sausage from Trader Joe's and it is soooooo good.  I mean GOOD.  Tasty but clean feeling and not too strong - just yummy.  Yeah really good.  I just ate one and wanted 3 more.  Gonna leave it to one right now since it is humid and the humidity is not the time (for me anyway) to eat my way through something.  It's been a long year.  How did I get through it?  The biopsies were so terrifying and so was chemo.  For sure the most physically scared I have ever been.  I am still in treatment till November I think but the really crazy part is past.  I still need to have a work-up of tests and I suppose that is scaring me also.  I made the best choices for myself that I could and I am going to stand by them.  Also when I get nervous about not doing another surgery I want to remember that I am still in chemo.  I am still getting a chemo that is taking care of those specific cancer cells.  I have been working really hard at being more positive and thinking more positively and I think in doing that it is kicking up my disease in a way.  I can feel myself thinking from a different part of my brain.  It is switching to the right side of my brain.  I suppose one day a balanced brain thinking will be good but for now I am so happy it is switching to the right because for whatever reason it feel more positive over there.  Just lighter.  This morning I woke up fairly early and while I was praying and meditating the garbage trucks came.  It was so nice to be awake - and happily awake - while they were going about their morning.  It felt healthy.  I wasn't hung over and I wasn't exhausted from staying up too late and I wasn't enraged.  All of this work I do feels so tedious sometimes but my God - to just be awake and fell healthy and grateful in the morning is such a beautiful thing.  Holy shit I'm tired.  I am taking those kids to the pool today and then I don't think I will see them for 3 weeks.  Which is good - I will get a break and I can keep organizing myself and healing.  I haven't gone on any auditions and I am pretty sure there won't be very many till August.  I remember last year when the kids went away I didn't go on one single audition or at least I don't remember going on very many.  It' slow this time of year and that's fine.  I'm just going to practice today.  Practice grateful right side of the brain thinking.  Practice taking care of myself while being as loving and kind as I can be.  Enjoy this day.  Let my body heal itself.  Practice eating the best I can for today.  Be in this life.  Hear the birds, feel the sunshine, love my guy and be grateful for him.  It's his birthday too!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Yo wut up

It's at least one million degrees outside today and the humidity is 1000 percent.  IT'S HOT.  My hair is growing back!  I actually got a haircut this weekend!  My eyelashes are growing back also.  I like working for my sister and I have been taking the kids to the pool during the week.  I sent some pictures today to my manager to show what I look like.  I sent one without the wig and one with.  She did not reply.  Ha!  So I made this big hoopla about me going back to auditions this week but it looks like it's going to be a slow start - which is fine.  I'm still tired and healing.  I still have chemo till December!  I think though that it's only going to be the one chemo because the other one was making me too sick.  SO.  I am so sleepy.  I jogged today!  Indoors on the treadmill in the AC because FUCK THAT SHIT.  I am going to lead a meeting tonight so I have service to do for the next few months - that's good.  We went to the beach yesterday and it was great.  I have to wear a sun shirt because my skin can't be exposed to the sun after radiation for awhile.  It's still healing from that so I just was really careful and left it on - even in the water.  I've been doing this whole 30 diet again......when I did it last year I found out I had cancer.  I still can't believe it - I had cancer.  I went through fucking chemo.  I had surgery.  I had radiation.  I did all that and I still fucking did comedy.  I have some new love and lust for comedy - I don't know why or what that's about.  I mean - I LOVE IT AGAIN.  I want to do it all the time.  I can't though because I need to be healthy and balanced.  I don't know - I was hoping I would be acting sooner.  How do I do this?  I miss creative people.  I miss laughing with comics.  I am fucking sweating.  I have to go and my computer is about to shut down.  This thing does more updates!  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYEEEEEEE.

Ah Life.....

Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my father dying.  Then in about another month it will be about a year since I found out I had cancer.  I was supposed to go to chemo today but I changed it to Friday.  I just wasn't feeling well and I really wanted some time to write and fucking clear my head.  It's chilly in here right now even though it's sunny and in the 70's.  It was so nice to be on the farm last week but it was a lot of work and my mother seems to be showing real signs of aging.  Holy shit it's been a rough couple of years.  I have grown though and I am more grateful than ever for recovery.  I'm more than grateful for it - I'm relieved I have it.  Don't get me wrong it's exhausting and I wish I didn't have to do so much work but I do - because if I don't I get insane and so fiercely uncomfortable it's just - horrible.  Or not manageable and very uncomfortable AND I stop being authentic or even WANTING to be authentic/  It's a subtle difference.  Anyway I'm such a fucking raging alcoholic that if I don't work a program I am going to either pick up a drink or a drug or EAT myself into a size 24 - for real.  Anyway I am getting back to comedy tonight and I am excited for that.  Nervous too but excited.  Okay now  I just have to work on the jokes.  AH!  I can smell my neighbor smoking - I think.  Who cares - anyway.  Gotta get to work.  Stay the course one day at a time.  Take care of my self the best I can while being awake and alive in life.  One more thing - I have been watching a certain comedian on Netflix and I read an article about this comedian.  I don't know why I am being so vague but anyway this person said that they try to be passionate - not try - they are passionate about whatever they are writing and talking about even if it' so dumb.  WHICH BLEW MY MIND.  I just was suddenly so AWARE of how much and how often I subdue my passions and my feelings.  Which is crazy because I am in a business that is all about passion and feelings.  It freed something in me - opened something up.  It was wonderful to realize.  IM SO TIRED ALREADY AND ITS ONLY 11:17 AM.  Blech.  Okay love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Farming....

I'm on the farm for the week while my sister is gone on vacation.  We did the podcast here this morning and had my mom as the guest which was hilarious.  She hasn't been feeling well but she pulled it off.  I have been doing the Whole 30 diet and I was so stressed out on Saturday when we got here that I ate 3 cookies so I had to start over.  So today is day 2 but it's totally fine and I am fucking determined to do this reset.  We had to go to the ER on Saturday and stay with my mom for HOURS and by the time we actually got to the farm I was a wreck.  That being said last night I thought I was going to completely lose my shit....I have to give one of the cats a pill and I could NOT get the cat wrapped in a towel or a blanket or sneak it into any food and meanwhile my mother was coughing constantly and all I could think about was THE PIZZA WE BOUGHT HER FOR DINNER.  I was so upset and overwhelmed (which as I'm writing this probably sounds ridiculous especially if you have children BUT) that I was like THAT'S IT I AM EATING THAT FUCKING PIZZA - GIVE ME THE PIZZA.  Then - then I remembered Tony Robbins.  Then I thought about today and how gross I would feel if I ate that pizza - because I wasn't even hungry.  It wasn't like I needed food - I had eaten a nice, big dinner.  I just wanted it all to go away with delicious cheese and sauce.  But I wasn't doing it from a place of power!  It was a failure rage place!  So then I was like NO!!  I am not letting this cat get to me!!  Or these feelings which probably only have to do with my childhood and not right now!!  NO PIZZA NOOOOO.  So even though I HAD THAT PIZZA BOX IN MY HAND - I put it back.  I FUCKING PUT IT BACK.  When have I ever done that??  I'm so proud of myself.  Then I put the pill in some tuna and he ate it that fucker.  Then I drank a soda water and went on my phone for 20 minutes looking at nothing and I felt better.  Then today I was so glad I didn't eat the pizza and I was able to fit into my overalls.  I WANTED TO DRESS THE PART OF BEING A FARMER.  Ha!!  Meanwhile all I am doing is taking care of indoor pets and I let the chickens out of the chicken coop.  It's not exactly farming but it does LOOK like I am a farmer.  So that's all.  Byeeeeeeee.

Responsible for myself.....

Well I am going to say something I have probably said before but it's fully in my consciousness right now so I'm going to write about it.  I am responsible for myself.  In every way.  I don't mean that  I am fully or I have been I mean that's what the deal is.  I am the one who is supposed to look out after me.  This is alanon stuff I guess.  I am not even sure why I am writing about this but I just can't stop thinking about it today.  I get so offended when someone asks me to do something I don't want to do and I get so upset when someone can't figure out what I want WITHOUT ME TELLING THEM WHAT IT IS.  So okay so what?  I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  I have had a shitload of issues and I come from a family very effected by alcoholism.  So cool now I can fully realize and hopefully remember that I am the one who is responsible for me - so I can step up to the plate and take charge of that.  People aren't going to stop asking me for things.  I ask people for things all the time!  But there's power in this!  Great power!  Personal power!  Holy shit I am so tired.  This is one week since finishing radiation and she said the effects of it would build up for 2 weeks afterwards and then I would start to feel better.  It's a beautiful day here.  I went for a walk and had healthy food today.  I'm on Day 5 of the Whole 30 again.  It's much easier this time.  I'm going to sit down now (in a different place ha) and write in my journal.  This brings me great comfort.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tomorrow is my last day of radiation!

Big fucking sigh!  God what a shit show over here.  The guy and I are having problems - which of course makes sense right?  I got cancer.  What the fuck?  I GOT CANCER.  How fucking INSANE is that??  Anyway it's not just the cancer - it's the issues I/we had before we ever found out about the cancer.  I'm so alanonic and was saying yes when I really meant no - a lot.  Not in a compromising way but in a "Okay I will say yes and then I will be fully fucking enraged about it."  Only I HAD NO IDEA THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.  Fuck the fucking subconscious!!!  My therapist always says that it determines everything - only I think she calls it the unconscious.  I'm fully fucking confused right at this moment but it doesn't even matter - the point is that I was not conscious of this pattern.  So then my sponsor explained to me that if we are doing things that makes us angry and stuffing it down then the anger COMES OUT SIDEWAYS.  Which is exactly what has been happening the last month or so.  I come home and I'm okay.  Th guy comes home and every little thing he does drives me fucking nuts.  His breathing, his chewing, his sighing, the way HE CHANGES THE CHANNEL.  Everything we watch is recorded so he's not even changing the channel!!  I'm insane!!  It's so so sad and hurtful to him and UGH what a fucking shit show.  Meanwhile I am trying to heal.  I'm obsessed with food right now and trying to figure out what the fuck I can eat that will keep me healthy.  I think I have some sort of histamine intolerance problem which means I should cut out buts, seeds AVOCADO, spinach ugh IDK.  My head is spinning.  I have to say something makes me so inflamed all the time and that has got to stop.  I have cut way back on sugar and white flour so that is helping.  Also I haven't been eating dairy which is also helping.  I went to an allergist and he tested me for a whole bunch of stuff and I am allergic to nothing.  I'm about to do the Whole 30 diet again.  I did feel better after I did that diet except I found out I had cancer in the middle of it.  Well there is this.......I can only be healthier by eating as little sugar and processed foods as possible.  Stick with fresh food and homemade stuff.  I'm getting exhausted writing this.  The allergist doctor still has to give me one more test and that might help figure out some stuff.  I haven't done much comedy lately.  I'm not feeling well from radiation and I just - I don't know.  I wanted to focus on my health.  So I have been.  I'm just going to slowly move forward.  Love you Bluebie bye.

WHAT'S UP

WOW - it's been a long time since I wrote but honestly not as long as I thought it was.  Less than a month.  I started to work for my sister and it made me all discombobulated and crazy because I had to make my office ready and start to actually work.  Neither of these things was very complicated but nonetheless I managed to get extreme anxiety and stress from it.  It has been great though and I am so so grateful to be busy and to be working - and for the $$$.  I am getting a little more used to it now.  I also am scheduling out ALL my time so that I'm not - how do I say it?  Wishy washy and then wasting the time?  Not only that but I just need so much structure so that I am taking care of myself.  I have been in radiation everyday for almost 2 weeks now.  I have about 2 more weeks to go.  It is profoundly less painful and terrifying than chemo.  Everyone is really nice that works in that part of the hospital and it goes pretty quickly.  In general I am feeling better from the chemo - I am starting to come out of it.  My hair is growing back although not really my eyelashes but my eyebrows a little bit.  I did shows over the weekend and they were fantastic - really great.  I had taken a couple of weeks off because I was so overwhelmed and exhausted.  So anyway.  What else?  At the moment I am tired....I drove into the city to do our podcast and now I have to go take care of those kids.  Thank God I am busy again!  Able to do stuff!  I am also able to exercise more and that is helping make me feel better also.  Okay well I have to go - I have a busy day tomorrow.  I am taking care of myself as best I can and eating healthy again.  Making lots of food at home.  Trying to get away from the sugar which I THINK is part of my lifelong problem of inflammation.  LOVE YOU BLUBIE - THIS IS FASCINATING STUFF RIGHT??  Byeeeeeeeee.