Tears.

So I just got home - a bit earlier than I would have if I were in my acting class.  I don't know what I have to do but I have to get back to that class for May.  It feeds my SOUL.  This class - the commercial class is - not about acting.  Haha - um - neither are commercials apparently.  That's not totally true.  Omg I'm dying - I totally cried when I got home and ate some of that fried pound cake with ice cream.  It was fucking delicious.  This is what I learned in this class tonight and it was such a painful lesson - to ultimately - relearn.  I'm in my own way and commercials are a crap-shoot for the most part so just be myself and have fun.  What was painful was me standing in front of the class, turning beet red, saying I was afraid everyone was going to judge me while I looked at them - half-jokingly and they all looked at me like I was crazy and THEN - then - HA - he got annoyed - he deals with actors like me all the time - nervous, afraid, not doing the work I guess.  I don't know - as a casting director - he isn't going to talk me into being good for the audition and apparently I'm supposed to go in there and take control - make the audition mine so to speak.  He's not an acting teacher.  So the whole feel of the class is so different from my acting class.  Although let's face it- I have left plenty of times upset from any of my acting classes.  There's a woman in the commercial class who I took class with 15 years ago.  WOW.  When I moved here - JESUS CHRIST - almost 17 years ago.  Well - this has been a very long road.  I'm tired and I'm just as in love with acting as I have ever been - so what am I supposed to do?  I promised myself I would try everything and I guess I haven't done that yet.  I've been doing a squat challenge - does that make it that I have tried everything?  I'm crying again.  I've been here for so long, it's so crazy.  I finished my 20's here, got drunk here, got sober here - lived my 30's here and now - my 40's.  This is what tonight felt like - punches - I feel like I got punched but I took his criticism and it doesn't matter.  I am feeling a lot of pain but I also had fried pound cake.  I have pms and he's giving me permission to just be myself - be confident I can do the job and nail it.  No matter what the people in the room are like.  I'm so fucking sensitive that honestly I don't know how that's really possible.  I just shrink at people's feelings.  Something has to change and shift.  I'm exhausted bye.