Bonkers.

Hi.  I'm a little crazy today.  I got to work on time - a miracle - but not really because I left on time - so thats how that works.  I just want to be on time - that's all.  I also am clean and I have on clean clothes.  I did an open mic last night which was painful.  I got some good ideas from it though so it was fruitful.  I just feel sad and tired today and like I can't keep up.  I have a jewelry party this weekend and I honestly don't know why I'm doing this.  I want to be an actress - I am an actress - I want to be a professional actor and a comedian - I am a comedian but I am spending a LOT of time trying to sell this jewelry.  Ugh - okay - it is fun - I love it and I look so much better - I really do.  People love the jewelry - a customer just came in here and tried on my bracelet.  I gave her a card - why not?  Okay - what else?  I'm just stressed out about this party and trying to figure out how to gey my hair back to a decent color, make cupcakes and see my guy all in the next 2 days plus I'm starting a new class.  Holy fucking stressful.  Okay - okay let's be realistic - making cupcakes is by NO MEANS the most stressful thing I've been through.  Fuck.  I just need to be nice to myself, have fun and relax.  I can only do my best today that I know how to do.  I need a meeting.  I need 2 meetings - one AA one Alanon.  That's it.  Okay - so this is good writing here.  I'm just scared.  I'm scared and I can not afford to pay that fucking penalty again for not having health insurance and I can't afford health insurance.  Christ - is it really this hard to grow up at this age?  Haha - yes - yes it is.  I'm just super uncomfortable.  So very, very uncomfortable - and bloated.  I watched a video of me from St. Patrick's Day and I'm so - much bigger than I used to be.  Ouch.  So ouch.  It's okay - I'm so lucky I'm sober - I'm sober - I have this beautiful man in my life - I love my family.  I just have to breathe and keep going.  Love myself and be kind - do the best I can today.  Sigh.  Love you Bluebie bye.