Man.

Men.  I love men.  I love man bodies and I love penises.  I like a big dude laying on top of me and I like hairy, muscled bodies.  I like the way men smell and I love big, rough man hands.  I dig men and I love fucking them.  That being said I can not imagine anything that has made me feel less sexy than this.  I don't feel sexy - I feel gross, damaged and broken.  You now wait I take that back.  My bottom made me feel pretty unsexy and being an active drunk was NOT hot although I spent a lot of time humping my radiator.  That being said this is rough and maybe some women get breast cancer and it doesn't effect their sexuality but it's effecting mine.  That being said it's rough with my guy.  I never would have thought he would be like this with something so serious.  He seems to be minimizing it and basically falling short.  Maybe not now - we had a big, long uncomfortable and painful talk last night and maybe things will shift.  I woke up feeling awful and he felt way better.  I don't know.  My tendency is to want to just fucking leave.  I just want comfort and healing and he wants to have sex and have our lives just continue as they were.  Maybe that's the right thing but it doesn't feel like it.  It feels hurtful and just - I don't know what.  Who knows.  I got my period so things are better than last week and certainly better than Saturday.  I have no idea - I have never been in  healthy relationship that has been challenged like this and so I'm fucking clueless.  It just feels like he's being a dick but who knows.  It's a rainy day and I just want to go back to bed.  Maybe I can't heal here with him.  Maybe he doesn't have it in him - lots of people don't.  At least he was honest.  I can handle that.  At least he wasn't making me feel like I'm crazy.  He seemed angry and he is.  He seemed resentful and he is.  I have no idea what the answer is or if there even is one.  No one is perfect.  I just want kindness between us but I also want him to go fuck himself.  Hmmmm that's confusing.  Whatever - Christ I feel guilty even WRITING this - what the fuck is that???  I need to let myself have my fucking feelings and right now I feel disappointed and hurt - that's it.  Do I think he's malicious?  NO.  Does he love me?  Yes I know that.  He seems angry he isn't getting what he wants and that feels fucking hurtful and gross.  So I have no idea what to do or how to help heal myself or us.  What a mind fuck.

The WORST.

I am trying to be positive, I am trying to BE POSITIVE but this is the fucking worst.  If you think PMS fucking sucks normally - add cancer to it - it's other level fucking horrifying.  The guy and I went for a walk in the park earlier and it was one of the worst experiences I have ever had in my life in one of the most beautiful settings.  Fuck.  Just fucking awful.  He's angry and just pushing and doing too much.  That stresses me out then I get upset then he freaks then I shut down and then IT'S THE FUCKING WORST.  He is just one of those enraging people who does shit when he' upset - just go go go.  I want to HEAL and his energy is so INTENSE and he just seems angry all the time.  Right now?  HE'S VACUUMING.  IN HIS UNDERWEAR.  It's 10:00 o'clock at night!  Are you fucking kidding me?  He could vacuum tomorrow right?  Or never?  Who cares!?  We are doing the podcast here tomorrow and yes I wanted to do the dishes and have clean bathrooms but Jesus.  I need some help.  Like a miracle.  I mean for my hormones.  I need a fucking hormonal miracle.  Oh my God he stopped.  Thank God.  Who complains about someone vacuuming?  ME.  MEEEEE!!!  BECAUSE IT'S ENRAGING.  I feel like I can hear his screams inside the vacuum cleaner.  Too much?  I'm just overly sensitive and I'm a mess.  I'm doing all the things....talking to people...asking questions, going to meetings, taking phone calls, doing service fucking BLAH BLAH BLAH.  IT SUCKS.  I'm such a disaster normally when I have PMS and this is just the worst.  Whatever.  I don't want to feed this cancer with my anger but aren't I allowed to be angry?  And why can't he just be calm and CALM.  When we were walking in the park he was walking so angrily I had to cover my ears.  His sneakers crunching the stones was making me literally insane.  Oh God.  Hopefully I can sleep tonight.  I am taking so many supplements that any day now I should be able to levitate.  I look awful.  I need a miracle.  A hormonal, cancer free miracle.

Taking a few minutes.....

to write on here......I am waiting for the doctor to call me to see what to do next.  I am hoping and praying for a date for surgery and no more tests.  The biopsy came back negative from Monday and my genetics test also came back negative.  These are good things and I was relieved but I really, really want to move forward.  Although the idea of surgery is terrifying.  I told my mother who was so sweet and kind.  Strong.  Loving.  My crazy sister was even sweet and supportive.  I guess you just never know how people will react to these kinds of things.  I went and did shows last night - that was great.  I think I have to lay down for a minute - talking to my mother wiped me out!  I have to go see those kids for a couple of hours.  All I do right now is make them lunch, do the dishes and play that video game with the middle one.  Ha.  It's THE BEST JOB EVER.  Then I drop them off at tennis.  Okay I am laying down - love you Blubie bye.

Choice.

I have a choice right now - I think - on how I want to deal with this Circumstance.  Is it annoying I'm calling it that?  Is it annoying I'm asking that?  Ha that just made me laugh.  Anyway you know mentally and spiritually I have a choice.  IS this an opportunity?  A challenge?  I don't know - is this - dare I say - a positive thing?  I don't fucking know.  If I am a co-creator with god and the Universe it's whatever I want it to be I guess.  There have been lots of people so far who have said THINK POSITIVE and I wanted to punch them in the face.  Then one woman - I don't know why just said to think positive, to try to think positive and that she doesn't have tie to let it take her down and I don't know why but it made me feel better.  This is what Louis L. Hay says about Circumstance of The Beasts......"Deep hurt.  Longstanding resentment.  Deep secret or grief eating away at the self.  Carrying hatreds.  What's the use?"  YIKES RIGHT!?  So that's the metaphysical (I think) reason for The Breast Circumstance and the mantra you (me) are supposed to say is "I lovingly forgive and release all of the past.  I choose to fill my world with joy.  I love and approve of myself."  Sigh.  Okay.  I have a stereotactic biopsy yesterday....they put your boob in a mammogram and then do a biopsy and it hurt so bad I yelled.  I was shaking like a leaf.  The Novocain didn't work for some reason.  The crazy part was once the pain was over I was okay spiritually.  It really fucking hurt - worse than anything I can remember feeling - physically but it didn't wound my soul.  So fucking weird.  Anyway I have made a crazy realization that many of the resentments I carry are from people who I FEEL (I'm not saying they did - who the fuck knows) told me I was wrong - AS A BEING ON THIS PLANET.  So.  So okay and so what?  So now I'm in today and here I am.  I have The Breast Circumstance and a bunch of resentments that have confirmed my feeling of low worth.  LOOOOOW.  So what?  It's a mess I can clean up if I want to or not.  What do I want to do?  I have a choice.  We always have a choice even though it doesn't seem like it.  What's the lighter brighter kinder choice?  If I was reading this I think I would think "What choice?  GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!!!"  Anyway my computer is about to restart!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Raining.

It's raining.  Is that a powerful title or what.  Oh you know what it stopped.  The genetics lady just called and they approved the genetics testing for me which  means it's going to be about 2 weeks before I know when I will have surgery.  Is that true?  I have no idea actually.  I am going to see a woman today who is going to "educate" me...I think?  Honestly I don't know what she is going to do.  They asked me to be part of some study and I said yes.  It's about stress levels during this.  I think I can say I am pretty stressed.  And exhausted.  My energy level is at like nothing.  Which honestly isn't saying much since I was tired already.  Well I just sent the Snake Doctor an email asking him what that might be about.  Googling isn't always helpful because people say lots of scary things but maybe I should do some research?  Not now I have to get ready.  I have horrible PMS and I can't do anything about it since I have that biopsy Monday.  Oh my God - I looked up what kind of biopsy it is and - they lay you face down on this table with your boob poking through a hole and then they raise the table up and do stuff to your boob.  IT LOOKS FUCKING CRAZY.  Once again I am not even sure why I am writing right now.  I guess I just wanted to express my terror and frustration.  That almost made me laugh because it's so fucking dramatic.  It is however how I feel.  I guess the exhaustion is what worries me - like I might be sicker than they realize or something?  I have to say though that I am not sleeping that great and all of this is so overwhelming.  Changing my diet - waiting to hear what is happening now with my other breast while this one waits to be operated on.  Yeah okay that's making me tired.  I have to go get ready to do this - whatever it is at the hospital.  I hope that woman who is the "breast navigator" isn't there.  She was so aggressive.  Holy fuck.  All she did was talk about herself and whatever.  I am sure some people really need that when they are going through this.  A distraction.  It would have been nice if she asked me if I was okay or if I needed anything.  Oh no!  PMS!  I'm trying to replace the PMS with God.  I'm pretty sure it's not working since my mind keeps slipping back into negative thinking and obsessive thoughts.  At least I know that's what they are.  Yeah right.  That's good.  I know it's just my head going in the wrong direction - not something I need to focus on.  Is that me being hard on myself?  I think I am hot - is it hot in here?  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Today.

Today I am - what?  Awake and doing the best I can.  I jogged.  I ate a healthy breakfast and I made some "magic" tea.  I made a phone call about a bill I got and cried when they said it was a mistake.  I'm going to go babysit and I am so fucking grateful for those kids.  Yesterday I brought them to tennis early so I could make one of those radio prank phone calls and they were so great about it.  Sat in my car with me and when the radio station called they got out of the car and sat on the bench.  I was really crazy yesterday - so sad, so upset.  I went and got more mammograms and it was SO painful that I cried.  Maybe I was just crying at the situation.  It did hurt though and they did 6 of them.  Then I got an ultrasound and now I have to get a biopsy in my other breast.  Oh sigh.  It's so overwhelming.  And sad.  I can't help it - it really is sad.  That being said I felt a lot better after I went to the meeting.  And today I feel better after jogging and taking care of myself.  I prayed & meditated this morning and that helped also.  It's such an in-between time of the most uncomfortable kind.  The doctor and the genetics lady also are throwing around the idea of very radical treatment....to which I am thinking about and I suppose I should do some research on.  It's really exhausting and a lot to wrap my brain around.  Anyway I don't even have an appointment scheduled for surgery yet.  Is that what it's called?  An appointment?  Whatever.  I have my anniversary coming up so that is probably making me even more crazy.  Crazy isn't the right word - in my head.  Okay I need to take a shower and go see those kids.  Wish me good vibes at not self-destructing over this whole thing.  I hope I can keep my heart strong.  xoxoxo

Denial Lost.

Well I am finally not feeling well.  I mean I'm home sick on the couch.  I guess it all finally caught up with me and the reality of this has hit me and I'm not feeling well.  I don't know what happened yesterday but I took those kids to the pool and wasn't feeling that great - I have been so tired all week.  I know this sounds insane since I have the Circumstance and so of course I wouldn't feel well but just bear with me....I was so tired all week from not sleeping right because the guy's back was fucked up.  I just thought I was tired and overwhelmed - well it turns out I just ran myself down and by the time I dropped those kids off at tennis I did not feel good.  My throat had started to hurt and I was DONE.  Also I found out I didn't get the commercial - the one where they LOVED me and said I was A STAR.  Haha - no one even called me - I had to ask.  Ugh - I'm over it today but yesterday it just hurt my feelings and was disappointing.  Yuck I don't even like writing it - who gives a flying fuck but the point is I didn't feel good.  I came home and sat on the couch and watched New Girl and 30 Rock for 4 hours.  I drank shitloads of water and really took care of myself and I still woke up not feeling well so I stayed here and here I stay.  I prayed, meditated, took a detox bath, listened to an Alanon meeting, talked to a friend.  I also have been taking all of the stuff the Snake Doctor gave me which is probably another reason I'm sick - I think I am detoxing.  I can't even imagine that I would have more detoxing to do but I GUESS SO.  Oh I also cried - I cried A LOT.  How much fun am I right now?  MY head is clogged and I just feel flu like.  It sucks - that's all and it's supposed to suck and I am letting myself stay home and not feel good.  I'm over it.  I mean trying to push myself when I feel AWFUL.  No is a full length sentence.  That's not the saying.  No is a complete sentence?  I have no idea.  Just no - no I can't leave - I don't want to be stressed out - I feel disgusting no.  Who am I arguing with?  Myself I guess.  I had to take 2 Advil because my head is pounding.  My whole left side of my body is fucked up.  My tooth, the roof of my mouth, my left knee, my left breast - even my lower left back.  The feminine side.  I'm too tired to try and figure out what that means or what to do about it - I'm going to lay down.  Bye.