Bunny wrote me the sweetest message tonight

and it had nothing to do with his a$$ f!@#ing post - which by the way was actually funny. But this comedian Greg Giraldo died of an overdose and they are saying it's an accident but he has had drug problems for a long time. Addiction problems. It's so sad - he was really funny - and really nice. And he has little kids. So Bunny sent me a message saying how grateful he is that I'm in his life and that I'm sober and doing step work. Which made me think about why I am so sensitive to anything he says. I don't want to write about it now but a long time ago - 8 years ago I did - or I think I did something to hurt him. I need to say sorry and I need to free myself. And also I made plans with him and I had REALLY planned on sending a text to the guy who I need to do my first amends to. SO why did I do something that wasn't necessary and then also get soooo upset about a really funny post because part of me thinks my dear supportive friend is harboring some resentment against me?? I'm crying now it's so fucking sick and sad. And I have to free myself. I can do that now. Well anyway I sent the guy who I need to do the amends to a message and asked if he could have coffee sometime in the next week. I think I will leave him a message on Facebook also. Well okay - the beat goes on. Please help me to help myself blog. If you have that power. You must - your name is Blueberries and Dreams. What?? That's not even funny - but it is true.

Not okay today

I woke up late - too late to be able to make it to the 12:30 meeting and my dear friend Bunny (that's what I will call him) wrote something (in response to something I posted) awful on my facebook page. So I cancelled my plans with him for lunch and I went back to bed. I feel sick. It really made me feel sorry for myself again and I was like - forget it. Forget show business - forget putting anything out there - I can't handle it. I should just seriously move back to Ct. Get an art teaching job. Figure out how to get a real job. I guess God doesn't want me to be an artist like this - here - but Christ - I don't know what to do. Soooo fucking depressing. See - I feel sorry for myself. But it is sad. I erased what he wrote and then I erased the whole thing. It was so over the top and not funny. He kept saying he got f@#$ed in the a$$ and he didn't know who was f#$%ing him in the a$$ and then he realized he was in a gang bang. He wrote that. Only he said f#@%ed in the ass a few more times. It was on my wall for 2 hours before I saw it. I need to pray and meditate before I make it to the meeting and then work. Work. Depressing.

Hiiiiii

Today was an okay day - so much better. I got up early and I meditated for a long ass time, showered, shaved, flossed, washed. brushed, prayed, walked the dog, went to a meeting where I got insulted but HEY - for a good cause. I went home and took a glorious nap, went to another meeting and got yummy, healthy food and came home, washed my sheets and I cut the doggies toe nails and she LET me!!!!! Hooray!! I opened a can a food first and let her smell it then she let me cut her toe nails. Amazing - totally amazing. So now I feel like I can do it again which is good because her toe nails get so long my father said it will actually hurt her toes. I was going to bring her to the vet or get her groomed but that is money and time. Then I said to myself - MAN THE FUCK UP and do it yourself. Figure out how to do it. And there is a little safety thing on the toe nail cutter that won't let you cut them too short. And she REALLY wanted that food - holy crap. These things are so much easier sober. Anyway my EGO is mortified by my lack of PIZAZZ in my life but my heart is so happy that my dog is safer and happier. And she is happier. That is a blessing a thousand times over. She so sweet - she deserves to be clean, well fed and groomed for crying out loud. Guess what blog?? Holy blog this is soooooo AWKWARD!! Soft hugger was upstairs and I went to the ladies room and he said hi really nicely and I hugged him....um - I don't know that that was his intentions but that's what I did. Then - again - very nicely - JUST nicely - he asked how I was and because I decided to eat an ENTIRE jar of olives stuffed with garlic last night and this morning - I ran AWAY. Did I ask him how he was??? Maybe before the forced hug....forced isn't the right word - um - awkward - yet oddly comforting. He is a really nice man. That much I can feel. The other part is that I have a LOT of work to do on myself. Christ. I need to sleep per chance to dream. Oh maybe I will dream about him again giving me directions and kissing me on the forehead. I will be happy if I simply don't dream about a house being blown up or an underwater sea fight gun battle. Blueberry you are so true and I love you. Yes I said it and no I'm not TAKING IT BACK!!

Of course I said i was feeling better AND

then yesterday sucked majorily huge hairy balls. Sort of. I was depressed and I weighed myself at the vet and the amount I was saying (JOKINGLY!!!) that I weigh was/is true. Ohhhhhhhh - OHHHH - ohh - big BIG - steam boat sound sigh. Then I went to a meeting and shared about it. Which I actually - fuck it - I'm glad. Look - I can feel really sorry for myself - and if I don't SAY it - well it won't get OUT of me and I won't stop doing it. Now I need to talk about my lack of career and lack of - wait wait - that's not true. I mean my jealousy of other people's careers and my seeming inability to go have my own career. Or to at least TRY. I am qualifying at another meeting today and maybe I can work it out then. Is it bad that I write about this on here? I don't know if it is innapropriate or not. Well on an upswing I ran my errands yesterday and I had 2 healthy meals. I ran all my arrands for the most part and I have another day off today. It's rainy and I think that makes me sad sometimes. I went to bed early!! I only got about 7 hours of sleep but I think that's all I needed. That money tree just isn't doing well. Ever since it fell over. How upsetting is that? I looked up how to take care of it and I really just don't know what else to do. I think it might actually not be - fuck I have no idea. I will tell you what though - I'm getting another one if it dies. It's droopy liek it needs water but you aren't suppose to water them that much. I think it needs more sunlight. Maybe I just feel uncomfortable and upset as a general rule. I'm just wired to be upset and feel sorry for myself. Well I'm goingt o keep doing the next right thing. I just need to call - what should I call him - Larry. Larry??? Whatever - I need to call Larry and tell him I'm sorry. Her LAdy Wonder said I will feel better. I feel like a 2 year old. Ugh. Like a grumpy, angry - BORING 2 year old. I watche Californiacation before bed last night and I had sex dreams all night long. Holy shit in 2 days that guy had more sex than I have had in a year and a half. Honestly - what the fuck - I need to have sex again at some point. Okay - bye. Sorry I'm such a miserable dick.

Look at me I'm a blogger.

I always think how insane the cave men would think we are. Christ - they were happy to stay WARM and I'm so happy that I'm blogging. I really want a camera. And I'm also - well - I feel a little better. Committing to meditating everyday and praying plus walking more has started to both plant me on the ground and move my blood. So - okay - I'm healing more. Plus I made money this weekend and now I'm somewhat catching up on my bills. Hopefully after this week I can sign up for the gym so I can start swimming. There is a YMCA 4 blocks away - how amazing will that be? Okay - I think I'm getting sleepy - another amazing part of exercise. I get tired. I'm so fat though - okay - I'm at least 20 pounds over. It's okay - it's alright. I felt like I had so much more to say. Remember gorgeous, hunky, soft hugger guy? Well I - I get him - that's all. But do you know what I realized? I almost never feel comfortable around men. And if I even remotely like them - FORGET it. How bizarre. Then at every turn - it's over and it never even began. How can you try to grow something when I'm not being honest? How fucking exhausting is that? Christ - forget it. So I have a lot of work to do on myself. Also - I miss being funny. I really miss it. I'm only saying that. I MISS being funny to an audience. I'm so sleepy - holy crap. I LOVE YOU YOU BLUEBERRY BLOG!!!

I don't mean to pressure myself

but seriously - what do I want? I need a vision. I need and want to be working towards a goal where I am taking REALLY good care of myself. Is that what I mean? YES. I can't keep waitressing and as I write this for some weird reason I'm getting goosebumps on my head. Okay - I'm getting better all the time. Today I walked to the 125th and Lexington train inorder to get to work that way. I saved between 15 and 20 dollars because I almost always take a car on Saturdays. Plus it was gorgeous and it feels great to walk. I stretched a few minutes ago - which felt AMAZING. I ate some fruit today and - okay - I had 5 pieces of pizza, some shrimp fried rice AND ice cream. I love making people laugh and I love being goofy. But work is really an unbalanced place for me and my EGO is so involved there. That being said - I have a degree. I can look for art teaching jobs. Hmmm. I could like that. Love that even? Perhaps. I'm going to keep meditating. I really think it's helping to clean out my brain and my leftover emotions. Yikes - yes - like those refridgerators on Hoarders. CHRIST those are sooooo scary. Okay. I would love a beach house near my parents and Michele. I can be funny and goofy a million ways. I need to sleep. Thank you for a great night at work. I love you blue blog.

It's easier to be depressed - right?

Or sad or bummed out or - "I KNEW it was always going to suck?" It is and after I write this for 2 seconds I'm going to go google it. Last night the hot (who isn't really that hot and smokes A LOT of marijuana) asked one of the other girls at work for her facebook page name so they could be friends. And like a true 14 year old I ran away and I got so jealous. And she has a gorgeous boyfriend who she has sex with all the time!!! Again - jealous. And last night I was so bummed out - I had to work all 3 shows to make any money and I'm still not quite caught up on rent or anything else and guess what? It's almost October. I'm freaking out. I feel like such a failure and honestly - I'm - I'm scared it's not going to change. And I hugged the guy who I had the dream about and guess what??? He was WAY WAYYYY WAYYYYYY - oh my lord - WAY too gentle. It was so lame. Ugh the record player screeeeched to a halt. I was like - oh - bummer. Never going to happen. I think he is really, really sad and bummed out. He like barely hugged me. Maybe he wasn't planning on it and he did have on his gym clothes but still. Oh well. Maybe I will join a dating website. I need to be creative more. I need to push through this. I'm going to google it being easier to feel like a douche.