Hi Morning!!

It used to be High Morning all the time and how happy am I that now it's just Hi Morning?? The answer is very. I did another show last night - well ugh - to be honest open mike. I don't want to be honest but I think it's best. I don't want to be high anymore but I don't particularly want to be honest all the time yet either. I'm getting there though. A little painful step at a time. Comedy went well - even though the audience was VERY tired and - well - just quiet? But I got them laughing. I was so exhausted before I performed and so invigorated when I was done. Ha - I was going to write woke up. I was thinking "after I woke up" in my head. It's so quiet here right now. It's so nice. I got enough sleep I guess although the alarm had to wake me up. I watched Earth Girls Are Easy last night and it was made when I graduated from high school. Holy shit - what a ridiculous movie and SOOO 80's. They were all having a total blast making that movie - haa - so silly and goofy - I loved it. I'm supposed to go meet my cousin today and write. She's pregnant. I am so nervous about this meeting I am running today. Last time it was a total disaster and everyone was mad and WANTED me to know. Haha - how ridiculous. Ha!! Okay alright okay. Well this was a tiny bit boring I suppose but that's okay - boring is nice sometimes. Byyeeee Blueberry :):):)

Remind me not to drink 6 shots of espresso and one

cup of coffee ever again. Why would I think I could do that and be tired - ever. I am so wide awake. I did my hair - I even straightened it. I think the most hilarious part of seeing Soft Hugger (and by hilarious I mean depressing) is realizing he is so not interested in me romantically. Which me even saying that is ridiculous because it wasn't like he seemed like he was before ANYWAY. I am such a helpless romantic - I can't help it. I watched Romancing The Stone, Easy and Return To Me - all made me cry - so hard. Oh I guess not Romancing The Stone - that made me laugh buuut it still was kind of romantic - or something like it. Well - I will just have to keep watching Romance!! Six Feet Under one night and romance the next. I LOVE that show - it's sooo dark and sooo funny. Why did I drink that much coffee? I have cellulite all over my body and I'm thin - thinner I should say than I used to be. Who cares. I love myself (I'm practicing). Bye. P.S. Remember when I said I was soooo over men. Okay I am again but not movie stars.

I took care of myself by

not going to work tonight. I went to a meeting - went to Forever 21 (I know - so ridiculous) and got a cute pair of cheap boots and a 13 dollar sweater. I returned my movies and both were 2 days late but the guy was nice and only charged me for one of them. Then I went to the health food store and got some things and decided to go to 9th Avenue to my favorite Thai place. As I was walking towards it out of a restaurant comes Soft Hugger and I guess a woman he was on a date with. He was really nice and went to hug me but stopped because I was so freaked out. I was so out of it today - I never really had woken up even at that point and I was SO shocked to see him. I got shaky and nervous and the reason why I was so surprised was because I thought he wasn't in town. I thought he was away because I'm a weirdo and look at his performing schedule on his website. I am never doing that again. He was so nice and introduced me to the woman and she was very sweet and pretty. He asked me if I live around there and then asked me where I live. When I told him that I live in a Bed and Breakfast he said "I don't know why but that seems romantic to me for some reason." Only he looked at her when he said it. They seemed really comfortable with each other. I can't imagine being that comfortable with someone. They strolled off slowly together. After he said that she said "I think it sounds affordable." Haha - that was funny. Only she wasn't trying to be funny. Which made it more funny. I guess I feel better after writing this. I dreamed last night I was pregnant and I was so happy. I also dreamed I had a little tiny gray kitten. It was so warm and fuzzy. My heart almost broke all day every time I saw a child or a baby. The only time it didn't was in Forever 21 when this horrible 2 year old was screaming and trying to escape/explode from his stroller. I don't blame him at all but it was awful and it took away the ticking clock for 30 seconds.I'm really emotional. I'm lonely but more than that I'm trying to let myself realize that it's okay for me to really fall in love again sometime. With myself and someone else. Love is possible and should be. I hope someday after I stop being a weirdo around Soft Hugger I can feel comfortable around him but more than THAT I hope one day I'm dating someone that I can stroll off comfortably with. Who also fucks my brains out. Just saying. I'm going to do my hair now and watch ANOTHER movie on Netflix. It's only 2:14 a.m. - why not?

I'm freaking out.

What if I never have a baby? What if no one ever loves me? What if I never get to travel and see my family or have health insurance? Someone asked me to work tomorrow night and I feel like I should - desperately work so I make enough money to go to my cousin's wedding in April and so I can go see my sister in Colorado. I'm so tired. I can't work anymore this weekend - it's horrifying. I am exhausted and I'm freaking out. I'm overstimulated. I want to perform and write and let the creative force of life through me and I HATE WAITRESSING. I can't anymore - it's too much - it's too hard - I can't. Jesus - I am freaking out. My hair needs to be done and I feel gross. I want to swim and enjoy the fucking pool I pay for every month. I have to calm down my shoulders are up by my ears. This isn't being easy on myself. Oh please - okay. Maybe I should go back to school. Really? Dear Jesus Lord have mercy. Goodnight.

Well so I guess everyone isn't as terrible

as I thought they were. I am on much better terms with quite a few of the people at work who I have named various horrifying names. SUCH better terms. I feel like a douche for writing such awful things. Well except for at the time I meant them and I was very upset. That being said one of the guys at work last night was SO nice and gave me a table of his friends and they took really good care of me. And the girl who I was so upset at in the cab was really nice to me last night and said really nice things to me - from a not judgemental place. Well - so I suppose that's what the whole restraint of pen and tongue thing is about. Does this count? I have no idea. Had I said something to her that time I was upset it would have been awful. But if she read this she would be upset. I will have to work that out another time. Something interesting happened last night. Mind you this is boring interesting but still to me, interesting. I was so tired when I got home from work and I had bought myself flowers (red and they are SO pretty!!!) and I had some dishes to wash (the vases for the flowers were part of the dishes) and I really got tired and just wanted to crawl into bed. But I said to myself that I would feel so much better even if I had to force myself if I took care of the flowers, washed my dishes and got into my pj's, washed my face and teeth and THEN got into bed. And I did!!! I really took care of myself. And it was so weird because I had to FORCE myself - sort of talk HARD to myself to get myself to do it but it was so worth it. Really weird. But so much better as far as waking up. It's so much nicer to wake up to clean - me and my room. And pretty flowers!!! I even wrote in my journal and wrote my gratitude list. This is really new territory for me. Using all my energy in a different direction. It's like turning around a tornado. In fact that's exactly what it feels like. It feels like I am turning around a tornado inside of me. Outside of me for that matter also. Holy shit - so crazy!!! Bye Blueberry - have a nice day - I love you - don't ever change but change if you want to!!!!

Good Morning!!

I woke up early - at 9:0o!! I have no idea why. I drank some water and got the dog to put her in bed with me but then I think because I picked her up too quick she barfed. Right in the bed. Whoops!! So I cleaned the bed and washed the sheets and walked her. Now I'm here writing to you Blueberry while I drink some green tea and have a grapefruit. I love grapefruit. I also had some blueberry juice. The snake doctor said to only eat fruit by itself - never in combo with other foods. Bad bad things happen when you combine foods wrong!!!! Soooooooo. Well now I'm exhausted and I want to go back to sleep. I was just on the phone with this girl who is so lovely and beautiful although a tiny bit self centered and it's so strange - she has no idea how lucky she is. Maybe? Perhaps she knows and I don't even think that's what I mean. She gets in her own way and it reminds me of myself. Big time. I get in my own way. Well I'm not going to beat myself up about it I'm just going to be aware of it. I have also noticed that people can pull me off of myself and my center (I've known this for years) and my therapist said that it's great to be aware of it around people so I can take care of myself. So this girl was going on and on on the phone about things I've heard a bunch of times and I started to feel pulled and I wanted to go about my day (or go back to sleep - whatever) and in the past I would have felt so guilty. But I was on the phone with her for awhile and I needed to take care of myself so I got off the phone. Boy - that was the right thing to do. That being said I also have a lot of nerve saying she's self-centered - all I do is talk and think about myself. I said myself 35 times already in this Blog post alone!!! Nap time!!!

Hi.

Hi. How are you? I'm okay. I just showered and it was heaven. I did 2 shows tonight. It was really fun and I was funny and I wasn't tortured. A cute guy even said I was funny. He followed me up to the bathroom. I have to say I might be making that part up but that's what it seemed like. A hunk!!! He was cute sitting down and HUNKYYYY standing up. I know - 2 blog entries later and I'm already talking about the men I'm supposed to be "over." Well I am going to go ahead and say I will NEEEVVVEEERRR be over hunky guys saying I'm funny. Anywhooo - we had fun. My comedy buddy and I had fun. I told a joke I wrote 2 years ago and it worked. Go figure. Of course it's a joke I thought was too "out there" and so also of course it's the one I should be trying out. So this is good. I'm not sure where to go from here but I can say this. I just need a block of time to get all my material down and then really start to weed it out. Hmmm - yeeees. I'm so tired - that shower made me sleepy. Heaven I tell you - pure heaven. If I had a bathtub I would take a bath 4 times a day. At least once - and I would REALLY appreciate it!!! I went to the Snake Doctor today and I almost didn't go but I did and do you know why? Because my comedy buddy has a thing where if you make a commitment then you show up for it. I'm taking a page out of her book and doing that more often. Soooooo. Soo there you go. Life is much different and for that I am so very grateful. Thank you Universe. Thank you Blueberry Blog - talk to you tomorrow!!