Day 2154.

Whoa.  So what has this day been like?  I slept in - till 9:15 - which is much different from when I was drinking and sleeping in meant sleep till noon, drink and get high - go back to sleep till 3:00.  Oh God - it makes me so upset to even write that.  My poor life - my poor dog.  That dog must have been like - what is her fucking problem - she sleeps as much as I do.  Anyway so I got up, prayed & meditated, tried to pay a bill, got myself showered and the guy came and picked me up and drove me to the train station.  I came back to the city and met my sponsee at a meeting and then got some groceries and came back here to take care of myself before my week starts.  Someone asked me if I wanted to do a show last minute but I really needed to get myself together here at my place.  Which I think is good.  I mean I know it's good as far as my health and sanity goes but for comedy I'm not sure.  I feel like I should be out every night doing comedy and really hitting it super hard.  But I can't so that.  I have 2 programs I need to be in in order to be sane and I need and WANT to take care of them and I just haven't figured out yet how to balance everything.  Ah - so - so I guess that's just what has to happen for now.  That I'm taking care of myself and uncomfortable that I'm not killing myself in comedy.  There will come a time when I am out all the time - but for now - I need to take care of myself and work slowly towards that.  I just went and got MORE groceries and now I'm boiling eggs and waiting for the sun to go down a little more so I can go for a walk.  Man - I'm tired.  The heat - it just does me in.  So.  So I'm going to make dinner and clean.  Go to bed early and get ready for my week of work and comedy.  I'm terrified to get a new job and the guy's supposed to sign his divorce paper agreement this week.  Which makes me want to barf for some reason.  Jesus - it's just so scary.  What if he changes his mind?  What if his ex won't sign the papers?  What if she DOES sign the papers?  What if everyone signs the papers, they get a divorce and she leaves him alone????  THEN WHAT?  Then we can live together?  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  I'm not really keeping it in the day like this.  I'm not really sure that I just want to just move right in either.  Do I get on the lease?  I suppose I should think about that.  Ugh I had a blueberry coffee and I keep burping it up.  This weather makes me burp it's the worst.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Blueberry Burger.

I had a blueberry salad last night with a burger on top.  From Bare Burger.  Have you eaten at this place sweet blog?  It's an organic, pesticide free burger place and it's delicious.  The only fucked up thing about the place is that they have pictures of cows and other animals dressed up as people and staring at you while you eat.  To be honest it's a little horrifying.  Cow heads on the wall, cows in dresses - cows with their baby cows in cute outfits with hats on.  Seriously - what the fuck is that?  Okay so I feel better from the last time I wrote - wow that was some serious drama.  I worked all weekend at a private party - outside in that blazing heat and I looked liked a sausage on Sunday - I was so swollen.  I did a show last night and it was great but I am exhausted.  I trained someone here at the store yesterday also - so technically I can go on auditions now - although now I need a new job so UGH.  Anyway - well but again - I feel better today.  Okay so I'm going to take the time to work on my resume.  I have been such a complete cunt to the women coming in here and I really need to get that in check.  Although - it felt great for a little while - I'm just so sick of pandering to them.  That being said I realized this morning how miserable they all are and how that sucks and if I'm a cunt too I'm being just like them.  Okay - THAT being said I turned the corner onto the block the store is on today and was making my way over to the gate box to open the store and this old lady was just veering in front of me and she was one her phone.  I had the "right of way" - if there is such a thing on the sidewalk - but she clearly expected me to stop for her.  She wasn't a sweet old lady either.  And she stopped and looked at me with this ridiculous look on her face and do you know what I did?  I said "Oh excuse me" and I kept walking.  AND IT FELT GREAT.  Then she kept tottering and talking on down around the corner.  I know it sounds like I did something douchey but I didn't.  I took care of myself and I was polite.  I simply did not twist myself into a pretzel merely because she expected me to AND FUCK HER ANYWAY.  Yeah so I need to get my attitude in check before I really tell someone to go fuck themselves.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Nothing to give.

I have absolutely nothing to give.  I am so terrified right now. I am not dealing well with all the questions from customers about the store closing an dI have my period and I just feel awful.  I feel like how I felt at the beginning of my sobriety - or for 3 years of it.  I feel crazy and like she has put me in a terrible position by not telling me she might be closing.  I don't know - I guess I'm super alcoholic or whatever right now.  I have been working on my new resume but - I have no confidence - Im just so scared and flipped out.  And then to make me more broken hearted - my guy asked me if I would be willing to adopt his granddaughter with him.  I said yes - and I was so happy.  I felt like it was a chance to finally get to be a mother - you know?  Then he talked to the woman at the place and the foster family actually has the right to adopt her first and she's been there for 2 years and I realized that it's probably not good for her to be taken away form them now.  So now I just feel so fucking sad.  That poor little girl - first she can't be with her real mom and then to take her away from where she's been for 2 years?  I can't - I can't be part of that - it just sounds awful for her.  Omg I'm just so upset.  And to deal with these spoiled, gross women is just more than I can handle.  The level of panic these women are expressing over this store closing is so ridiculous.  Im upset but it's my job.  They shop here twice a year - give me a fucking break.  Im just so sad.  Im so so sad.  And so people are coming in here and asking me questions and I can barely be polite to them much less help them buy a dumb sweater.  I just have my period right?  I can't stop crying.  I've needed a new job for so long - one where I am taken care of and appreciated.  Here's my chance.  My chance?  Haha.  Whoa Im really not okay.  It's okay.  Today is probably not the day to figure out the rest of my life.  I asked my sister for help with my resume.  Im so sad.  I said that already right?  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hell-o.

It's like Jell-o only it's my own personal Hell-O..  Haha what?  LOrd I woke up with PM to the mother fucking S!  Oh I did a seminar last night that was SO AWKWARD and I woke up in the middle of the night upset about it.  I was so upset when I left the seminar that it started pouring out and I had to duck into some chicken place and I the next thing I knew I was eating a giant chicken finger and something called mashed fried cheesy potatoes.  Um - what?  It's mashed potatoes with haha - french fries and cheese on top and then baked in the oven.  I love after all that, that they bake it.  Haha - baked not fried.  Anyway so I woke up in the middle of the night from probably the giant chicken finger trying to digest AND that mother fucker in my building smoking again and leaving his door propped open.  I got to work and called 311 and complained again.  I filed an official complaint.  But before I did that - I told myself - his smoking and propping isn't personal.  He isn't doing it because of me or even to tell me to fuck off.  So it made it easier to just call them and say - it's making me sick and waking me up in the middle of the night - that's it.  It just made me feel like less of a victim that's all.  They asked me if I wanted to file a complaint against the building and I said no.  I said I just want him to shut his door.  The man was so nice.  Why am I writing this I'm nuts.  Listen if I kept barfing on his front door - even if it wasn't personal - that man would say something!  So I said something and I will say something again!  I wish I had the balls to take a shit in a bag and put it in front of his door.  With a sign that says - oh sorry - THIS is personal.  Maybe this ISNT personal.  I need to go now I'm crazy.  Maybe I'm actually fine.  Regarless - I need to go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

"God Doing For Me What I Can't Do For Myself"

This is a saying in AA.  It means - ugh - I don't know what it means - something along the lines of - I won't do shit until it's way too late and eventually I will get pushed into, out of of or around it.  Which is off course today/yesterday exactly what has happened.  There is a big red FOR RENT sign on the door of the store I work at now.  Why?  Because she's closing - which I did not know or didn't know was going to be SO soon.  When do you ask?  September.  It's halfway through JULY.  Who told me?  The guy who PUT THE SIGN ON THE DOOR.  Guess how long I have wanted a different job?  The entire time I have worked here practically.  I mean and even if it has been the whole 4 years it has at least been 2 years.  A year?  I don't know!  It's so much better than waitressing but I can't even fully support myself here.  So see?  I'm being literally shoved out.  GET OUT!  GO!  Ugh.  I mean - anyway - jeez it's so awkward people coming in here with the sign!  They keep saying - "OH!  I'm so sorry you are going out of business!"  Which I don't even know what the fuck is happening - she just told me - literally - "That she doesn't know what is happening but the lease is up in September."  UM THANK YOU.  Ugh.  It feels rude.  Okay - it is rude - to not tell people who work for you that they might not have a job in a month in a half is rude. But - well - hello.  Anyway - that's where I am.  It's just like the comedy club - until I was making an eighth of what I was once was making I could not leave.  Or I CHOSE not to leave.  Fucking barf and whatever.  Haha.  WOW.  FOR RENT.  He was so creepy when he put the sign up and kept saying in a really soft, passive aggressive creepy way "Do you think people will see the sign?  I don't want people to miss it - do you think they can see it?"  It's a huge fucking FOR RENT sign in RED.  Yes - they see it.  Why do I care?  Because I'm an alcoholic and I don't ever want anything to change - even a situation I'm not happy with.  Ha!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Whoa. Busy.

Yesterday was my birthday - and my guy's birthday - we have the same birthday - have I ever said that?  Who knows but anyway - we do.  We went to see my family over the weekend - celebrated the holiday and then our birthdays.  Saw one of my oldest and dearest friends and her family.  Then yesterday we went to an IMAX movie in 3-D - haha - that's what he wanted to do.  I almost had a seizure I swear to God.  If you have any kind of PTSD I think seeing a violent and crazy action film in IMAX 3-D had GOT to be triggering!  Haha - it was great though.  So anyway.  Oh then we went to dinner and then I hosted a show.  I wrote with someone else yesterday - int he morning - I mean I got coached by her really.  I have so much information floating around in my head from working with these 2 different people I'm not sure how to process it all.  It was wonderful though and very helpful.  I also did a show Friday night although that was rough.  Oh lord.  He's such a wonderful sport about my comedy - it's so sweet.  So loving.  Anyway I feel a little overwhelmed.  Excited but a bit off the ground.  Anyway so - love you Bleubie byeeeeeee!!!

Reading.

I love to read - I have always loved to read.  One of the only classes I ever did well in at school was literature.  All you had to do was read the book and answer questions - or read the book and write about it.  I loved it.  So easy - so enjoyable - so INTERESTING to me.  I finished the book I was reading "The Goldfinch" and now I am reading "Finder Keepers" by Stephen King.  It's great.  I love him and I have always loved him.  When I was in high school I would go to the library and I would always get out one Stephen King book and one classic.  I guess I felt guilty about only reading Stephen King.  I always loved the classic too so it wasn't like it was some kind of hideous chore - I was just trying to make myself more well rounded I guess?  Man Catholic guilt - even in the fucking library!  So today on the subway I was reading the book and there is a kid int he book who learns he loves literature.  And it reminded me how much I loved reading and writing for that matter and then it made me sad that I didn't go to school for that.  I mean I can feel it in my blood.  I would have excelled at schooling of literature - even more than acting or dance or anything.  Isn't that crazy?  I guess that's part of why I love comedy so much - the writing.  Ah - i suppose it was confusing to my poor parents that I didn't do well at anything but somehow I aced every literature class I had - easily.  Haha - well and I read so alcoholically.  I would just sit and read, read and read.  I remember in 6th grade just ignoring everything the teachers were saying and just reading my novel in class.  It was an escape for me also.  Jesus - who knows?  Maybe everything worked out exactly the way it was supposed to.  All I know is I madly love to read.  Love.  LOVE!  And I am so grateful for it.  Now on top of the eye twitching I am having intense ringing in my ears.  I believe what is happening is some sort of thyroid problem.  I had blood work not too long ago though and nothing showed up.  But who know - maybe it's just at the mental level right now.  Time to learn how to express myself and let that little butterfly in my neck free so I don't gain 500 pounds and get miserable.  Free the butterfly!!!  What?  Bye.

A little bit up, down

I'm having some swings.  Why?  I don't know.  I'm tired, scared and bored.  Bad combo.  I did a mi tonight and I have a show tomorrow night and I have a direction to go in.  I met with someone and wrote with her and she gave me some pointers - a lot of pointers and it was - upsetting.  Basically - I need to work harder.  What made me think that wouldn't be the answer?  I'm not sure.  She also said to just be me - which also isn't what I wanted to hear even though I KNOW that's the best thing.  I wanted her to say be someone 15 years younger.  Why would that help me?  Ugh the guy and I had a row today - it wasn't good.  His son is not well - neither of his kids are well.  It's terrifying and so scary.  Also I don't know - it's so hard being in a relationship.  I know - awwww - no but really.  I just have such raging intimacy issues.  It's so much working things out and feelings and - sometimes I'm just not good at it.  Which make me sad.  But it's okay.  What?  I'm so tired right now I need to go to sleep.  Love you Bluebie bye.