Sunday.

I literally haven't left the house all day and I am not going to.  From a place of power.  Staying home!  Staying in!  I feel great about it!  At best I feel fine about it!  I'm definitely not leaving that's for sure.  I was going to go to an alanon meeting and then I was in the middle of doing stuff in my office and change my mind.  From a place of power.  I'm going to stop saying that now.  Anyway it snowed last night and I just didn't want to go outside today.  I got on the treadmill and did a little yoga.  It is helping me for sure.  I still have all the stomach stuff going on and I have tingling in my feet but the jogging and walking helps make it better.  Now also I am having some sort of strange thing with my nails but I am rubbing tea tree oil on them and hopefully that will help.  Anyway.....I just wanted to write and check in.....I'm going to take a bath in a minute, then get in bed and read.  I am reading Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr.  I also watched her movie which I really enjoyed and actually years ago I read Crazy Sexy Diet.  Is that what it's called?  Yes that's it.  I have 6 more weeks of this Taxol and then I am going to radically change my diet.  I wrote that and then got so tired and thought to myself "No I'm not."  Haha!  But this is what I am thinking.....1.  I do not want to waste another moment of my life being miserable, sick and tired.  So then that requires so any changes!  2.  I want to live and I'm pretty sure I am just going to get sick again unless I make some RADICAL changes.  Even if I don't get sick I am going to be worried about getting sick and I just want to live and enjoy my life, enjoy my guy, enjoy being me and be free from that sick dance I was doing with food and lemon pound cake.  Frosted lemon pound cake.  IM GETTING CONFUSED.  The nurse at the hospital told me that right now it doesn't really matter what I eat because the taxol is destroying my system (Fun!) but after I'm done in 6 weeks then I can go back to eating healthy and it will make a difference.  I should clarify with her that that's what she said.  I am not good at reading directions or listening fully to what people say.  All I heard her say reaaally was I can eat pizza.  Anyway Kris Carr has had and been living with cancer since 2003!  I think?  2004?  A LONG ASS TIME.  She looks amazing, has a great attitude and FEELS great - the most important part.  I have a million books I'm reading......Radical Remission - about people who were cured of cancer and the first thing they all did is radically change their diet.  Man but I fucking love food.  It will not be easy but also - I feel like crap!  This feel like how I was at the end of my drinking....only it's less clear.  the signs at the end of my drinking were all about a big choice - a fork in the road.  Right now it's just all in my head and meanwhile I want mac n' cheese with a side of cupcake.  Alright well that's where I am.  Happily home and figuring out how I am going to stay alive next.  I never ever thought I could live without beer - can I live without lemon poundcake!?  Love you byeeee.