I did a show last night and basically tanked. TANKED. I wasn't warmed up and I was so tired and out of it. I also had made myself a set list but didn't memorize it and ha just wasn't prepared. I have to be prepared! That's the thing with me - I can't go to the grocery store without a list or I come out with the craziest shit that I will never eat. Or I will eat and be sorry I ate it. If I'm going shopping I need an idea or I also buy the craziest shit that I will never wear. So I semi-prepared and basically phoned it in and bombed for at least 75% of the set. I got them at the end when I started to do material. Ugh. I left thinking why on EARTH did I need to learn that lesson again? Right? I didn't let myself beat myself up....just tried to feel the discomfort and move on. Then came today and guess where I find myself??
Confident in the sunshine. I am on the bed with my journal and the computer and right before I came to write on here I thought "Fuck that I'm great. I'm funny and I'm in the game, even if I am a little broken and behind everyone else. I can do the job and I love it. I'm awesome."
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? When have I eve thought that way? The show was great last week but it wasn't sold out and I know that bothers them but guess what? It was a great show - the performers were great, people showed up and I hosted the fuck out of that show. I did the best I could and God knows it wasn't easy with that club I was raising money for not advertising. Anyway. So here I am sitting on the bed in the sun and feeling confident. That's all. So I didn't do great last night - well that sucked and oh well. I lost focus. Also I did so well at the benefit that I think some part of me thought the audience was just going to go fucking crazy for me. Um no. Those 8 people at the bar did not go crazy for me. Haha omg. It's al up to God anyway. Gonna nap for a few minutes before I get ready for the kids. Love you Bluebie byeee.
PS I'm reading The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan so good.