Monday, February 26, 2018

Confidence in the sunshine.....

I did a show last night and basically tanked.  TANKED.  I wasn't warmed up and I was so tired and out of it.  I also had made myself a set list but didn't memorize it and ha just wasn't prepared.  I have to be prepared!  That's the thing with me - I can't go to the grocery store without a list or I come out with the craziest shit that I will never eat.  Or I will eat and be sorry I ate it.  If I'm going shopping I need an idea or I also buy the craziest shit that I will never wear.  So I semi-prepared and basically phoned it in and bombed for at least 75% of the set.  I got them at the end when I started to do material.  Ugh.  I left thinking why on EARTH did I need to learn that lesson again?  Right?  I didn't let myself beat myself up....just tried to feel the discomfort and move on.  Then came today and guess where I find myself??

Confident in the sunshine.  I am on the bed with my journal and the computer and right before I came to write on here I thought "Fuck that I'm great.  I'm funny and I'm in the game, even if I am a little broken and behind everyone else.  I can do the job and I love it.  I'm awesome."

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???  When have I eve thought that way?  The show was great last week but it wasn't sold out and I know that bothers them but guess what?  It was a great show - the performers were great, people showed up and I hosted the fuck out of that show.  I did the best I could and God knows it wasn't easy with that club I was raising money for not advertising.  Anyway.  So here I am sitting on the bed in the sun and feeling confident.  That's all.  So I didn't do great last night - well that sucked and oh well.  I lost focus.  Also I did so well at the benefit that I think some part of me thought the audience was just going to go fucking crazy for me.  Um no.  Those 8 people at the bar did not go crazy for me. Haha omg.  It's al up to God anyway.  Gonna nap for a few minutes before I get ready for the kids.  Love you Bluebie byeee.

PS I'm reading The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan so good.

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