In Bed With A Shame Sandwich

I'm in bed with a cold and an earache....I also feel so much fucking SHAME.  Christ Almighty it never ends.  I am not entirely sure what's even going on except that I don't feel well and that triggers shame in me for some reason.  I don't have a lot of energy and it's freezing, which makes me want to do even less.  I was supposed to go to my ladies meeting this morning but had to stay home and rest.  I guess it's just that I am compromised from the chemo and I can't cut myself a break.  I'm just hard on myself and this is the one time in my life I don't have to be.  I have cancer!  No one is expecting anything from me.  I have been ignoring the one sponsee I have left...I guess I feel guilty about that?  I feel sick to my stomach like I'm forgetting something or doing something wrong.  I have a show tonight and I am going to get myself ready and go do it.  I don't want to but I think it will make me feel better.  My eyebrows and eyelashes have fallen out and I think that is making me feel bad.  Yesterday I didn't put any makeup on - I just went out all bald-eyed and maybe that makes me feel bad.  I'm lightheaded because I think I'm anemic from the chemo.  I guess I am feeling angry and sorry for myself while also just pissed I cant do anything.  I had such bad dreams last night.....at night I am literally hot and cold at the same time.  I spend all night trying to cool off and warm up.  I struggle with the night and sleeping every night.  OH BOY THIS ISNT HELPING.  Ugh I thought I would come on here, get honest, dump out my feelings and then feel better!  Okay acceptance.  I can accept and be patient.  Patient.  I'm just uncomfortable.  That's it really - just discomfort.  It will shift.  Breathe.  I'm just going to do my best today.  Breathe, get ready, try to have sex with my boyfriend even though it's painful and not really working right now, work on my set and go do my best on the show.  I can just come home and rest after that.  Be grateful I can stay home.  Be grateful I AM home. 

I'm going to this support group for people living cancer right?  Some of these people are so sick.  Look I am allowed to be upset about what is going on with me and it IS upsetting.  But I can put it into perspective.  It's just extremely uncomfortable and emotionally challenging.  It's okay.  I'm okay.  There is sun coming in through the window in the bedroom onto the bed and it is lovely.  It's good I stayed home and took care of myself.  Bye Bluebie bye.