Radical Acceptance

Or just acceptance?  I just ate a little bowl of butternut squash soup that I made in the crock pot.  I toasted a couple pieces of Exotic Black Rice Bread and had those too.  It was delicious.  I read today's reading from a book called Journey To The Heart by Melody Beattie.  It talked about  being a healer by being who you are.  Something like that.  And about pine trees which made me think of my father.  Then it said at the end of the passage - wait let me actually read it so I can quote it correctly....."Open to your healing powers and you will cherish your past, all you have gone through and done."  That's awesome right?  It made me think of acceptance and how in order to cherish your past you have to accept it.  Then I realized that I need to accept this.  Actually I don't need to - I can do anything I want.  But this IS what is happening.  I have breast cancer and I need chemo.  I just want to accept this.  I had to surrender to my alcoholism right?  I have to surrender tot his too.  It doesn't matter why this is happening, all that matters is that it is.  This is what I have to deal with right now.  Holy shit - side note?  The little kids who scream all day moved out from next door yesterday!  I'm not kidding - 30 minutes later?  3 different one plus a fucking baby that they let cry ALL DAY ON THE PORCH moved in.  Haha what the serious fuck.  Right now one of them has literally - I'm not kidding - literally been screaming - a high pitched scream for 3 minutes straight.  Okay she stopped.  Oh boy.  I was so sad those kids moved out.  I guess I had a reason to be since these kids seem even MORE obnoxious!  Good lord.  Okay I am getting sleepy bye.

The Healing of Hugh Hefner and Caturday.

Hugh Hefner died and I have been using him as a healing angel.  I was meditating one day this eek - I mean was it yesterday? He just died on the 27th - okay so I don't remember but - oh maybe it was the next day.  Yes - or the day that he died?  ANYWAY I was meditating and I was in pain and I asked Hugh Hefner to help me and I felt a surge of healing energy come into me.  Surge is an exaggeration - a bunch of healing energy - a strong current of healing energy - that's it.  A current of healing energy and so now he is one of my healing angels.  I just realized he was all about the boobs so that seems perfect - or something - I don't know.  Maybe it was the medication.  I'm home on the couch.  I went to my ladies meeting this morning and celebrated my anniversary - it was great.  I really needed a meeting and I really needed to talk about the pills I was taking this week.  They made me so sick and I WANTED MORE.  I actually told myself while I was so nauseous and feeling terrible "That I just need to get past this part to get to the good part."  How fucking alcoholic is that?  Jesus.  Anyway.  My sister told me it's Caturday so she is going to send me cat videos to cheer me up.  I heard from the doctor yesterday.  It's not such great news - I need chemo.  So that's the next step.  She ended up taking out 4 tumors.  I have to say that I really was like wow - holy shit - this - I really fucking have breast cancer.  What the fuck.  I was so upset last night.  I was crying - my boyfriend was crying.  He's so upset to see me going through this.  It's got to be so stressful for him too.  They give coins at my ladies meetings for your anniversary right?  You pick them out of a bag.  My coin says "Change your attitude change your world."  I said oh that's a funny coin for me because I have a bad attitude.  And you know how I REALLY know that's true?  Because I was like "THIS COIN SUCKS."  Ha!  I was so annoyed I didn't get a more awesome coin.  SUCH AN ALCOHOLIC.  Someone offered to switch coins with me - how sweet is that?  I kept it though because honestly - that's what I must need to have.  Also it is everything, attitude.  My mother has a great attitude.  She has had a cataract in her eye for like 15 years that has never grown.  Maybe it's genetics but she is really someone who takes a punch and keeps going.  She has mad acceptance in her life.  A super strong connection to her higher power and an amazing attitude.  She's not in lala land either - she exists in reality.  I know I am not going to feel this way when I am sick from chemo but this is an opportunity.  It has to be.  I have no fucking idea what it is but it is an opportunity.  I would have thought I have changed so much.  I mean maybe but maybe not.  My thinking has really stayed the same all these years.  Much less crazy but still pretty negative.  Am I beating myself up?  Christ I hope not.  It's a though and an observation.  I have to say I am healing from the surgery and I feel a little better.  I mean it has to help to have that cancer out of me right?  Maybe I'm imagining it but I also feel a little clearer in my right frontal lobe when I meditate.  How fucking nuts is that?  I realized it the other day - like someone cleared something away in my brain or my mind.  It feels breezier.  Just - clearer.  Whatever.  I need to meditate right now - I didn't have a chance this morning.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Done and Waiting

I had the surgery and now I am waiting for the results.  They were so nice at the hospital.  Oh fuck you know I too a half a Percocet and now I feel a little gross I don't think I can write.  I have to take half because a full one makes me sick.  Okay I will write another time - love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2942.

It's sunny out today.  I woke up early to go to my ladies meeting and then while I was eating my toast I realized I was never going to make it in time.  I just also couldn't go.  I need to go to a meeting where everyone doesn't know what is happening.  I can't answer anymore questions.  I feel so anxious.  The mornings are definitely a very anxious time.  I'm way over-stimulated.  Anyway I just wrote in my journal and now I am writing in here.  On here?  Through here?  I am so fucking scared.  If I thought stage fright caused my fight or flight to kick in it is NOTHING compared to this.  This is like full on fight or flight.  Actually it feels like flight flight flight.  Holy fuck.  I'm like high off of it actually.  Anyway I have things to do and food to cook.  I think I will feel better once I get out of the house and run some errands.  I'm scared about what my body is going to look like but oh you know what I just realized?  I have all these booklets they gave me - all this stuff to read.  I will read that stuff.  I just want to be able to dance again.  Holy shit.  This is the craziest challenge and honestly I don't know if I can do it.  Yesterday I was really freaking out - I mean honestly and truly I was like I can not fucking do this.  It got better as the day went on - I got organized and I have no idea what - it shifted.  Now it's back.  Okay I guess it's waves and it's so gross.  Maybe I should meditate a few minutes again.  It was really hard this morning - I could barely focus.  Yeah I am going to do that.  Everyone keeps saying to turn it over.  Just breathe and turn it over.  All of it.  Everything.  I don't know if they said that but I'm saying that.  Yeah okay I'm going to take a few minutes.  I feel like there is something I should do but I just don't know what it is.  How could I possibly know how to get ready for something like this?  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

A Penny Has Two Faces

Do you remember or did you ever watch that movie White Nights?  With Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines?  I must have watched that movie 40 times.  Maybe it was 14 times but it was as many times as I could watch it.  I had the soundtrack - on CASETTE what?  There was a song on the soundtrack called "The Other Side of The World" and the first lyric says "A penny has two faces, when one of them you have to chose - between two places - one must win an one must lose."  Chaka Khan baby!!  Um I just looked it up to make sure that was the right song and got completely lost in videos from the movie.  The dancing is so fucking awesome.  OKAY WHAT WAS MY POINT?  I have no idea.  some thing about how things totally suck right now yet I can chose to not see it that way if I want.  I have health insurance, I am being taken care of and I am loved.  It's always a choice I guess.  I have a friend - let's call her Blurgon because that's her name.  Ha no.  Her name is not Blurgon but it rhymes with Blurgon.  Ha not it doesn't.  It doesn't matter.  She has been my tenth step buddy for years - yeaaaars.  I give a lot of my time to this woman and she has given me a lot of time although not as much.  As soon as this happened she seemed strangely distant about it but more than that - the last couple of weeks she just calls me, yells about her husband, we do the tenth step and then she says thank you.  Doesn't even ask about me.  It doesn't matter,  Okay that's a lie it totally matters - it's so hurtful.  But guess what? I have never asked that much of her - out of fear.  Fear that she's better than me, that she has too much to do, a bigger life I don't know.  But guess what?  I asked for 30% and now in a time where I honestly and truly need support?  She's not showing up.  But why would she?  I have never really asked her to.  It's so gross.  And this - THIS IS MY PATTERN.  I don't do it with men anymore I just do it with friends.  Good God.  Well anyway I am have been crying all morning on and off.  They are going to take a lot out of each boob - I am so fucking sad and scared.  I just can't imagine having a friend tell me that they have breast cancer and then for WEEKS never asking about even after a phone conversation.  Do I matter so little to this woman whose phone calls I take ALL THE TIME?  Yes I still have PMS.  IT doesn't matter what I would do what matters is what I accept and I do not accept this.  So anyway I realized while I was writing in my journal that I have people who aren't or can't show up but guess what?  There are so many other people who have honestly and truly shown up for me.  Could I say something to her?  Yes and I am sure she would be receptive but it feels exhausting.  Exhausting and terrifying and just I don't know.  Haven't I been exhausted and terrified enough lately?  I am allowed to feel disappointed.  I am allowed to feel wildly disappointed and not have to be responsible for this relationship.  She's a grown-ass woman in multiple programs.  Regardless I have a choice to see what is good in my life right now far outweighs what is hurting me - at least people-wise.  This surgery is finally going to be next week and I am - I don't know.  So scared.  I'm going to go for a walk.  It's sunny out - it's a beautiful day.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am also allowed to feel grateful, loved, hurt, scared, bewildered, confused, kind and tired.  All of it.  Bye.

PS.  Okay I went for a walk and it's well over an hour later.  I just have to say I - omg what?  What in the fuck am I trying to say?  Look - Blurgon doesn't know I'm upset and I have never told her the different times I have been upset when she's been super selfish and self-centered.  This is my bizarre pattern with people.  We tell them how we are to be treated.  And listen how she is acting is a reflection of her not me - but I'm the one that accepts it or not.  Anyway I realized on my walk that it's time I chose me in every way.  That is what other people do.  It's my alanon disease that tells me I have some sort of overdeveloped sense of responsibility for other people's feelings.  I deserve to have in relationships what I give.  God fucking Lord do I have PMS or what?  Maybe I am just having actual appropriate feelings to people's shortcomings.  Maybe!  God let me please let this go.  I have so much else to worry about.  So many other places to put my energy.

I guess.....

I have to decide if I want to live.  That's it right?  I mean I have to really fucking decide.  The doctor called me today and explained what needs to be done and a big chunk (barf and not her wording) needs to be taken out and I can do that or the other thing.  Because they don't know till they operate what's going on - that's all - and more might need to be done later.  More and even the big deal thing.  I can't write it!  I just can't.  Anyway she gives me these options and then was like "What do you think?"  Ha.  Or not ha I don't know.  I asked her what she would do if she were me and she said lumpectomy.  she told me to think about it.  I called my therapist, two women who have had this and my boyfriend.  And my mother.  Okay so I decide lumpectomy and then it was the end of their day and I still don't have surgery scheduled or at least I don't think so.  Meanwhile I somehow write a little bit and work on my jokes, get myself showered (finally) and go do a show.  It was great.  It was such a fucking relief to do a show.  So much fun.  Then we went to another club, watched some comedy till my friend flipped out and needed pizza.  I drove her home and came home.  I sang in the car on the way home.  Then I get here and I have been fighting this cold right?  I mean ever since this happened and I started to take all the supplements and stuff from the Snake Doctor I have been getting this cold on and off again.  It also seems like when my body is trying to recover from the tests that I get the cold again.  ANYWAY so I get here and I am trying to figure out if this shit is in my lymph nodes or not - you know like is this cold because of that?  Is that why my back feels a little funny?  Ugh anyway - who the fuck knows?  I can't figure out an answer because really the only way anyone can figure it out is by operating on them.  Or whatever - biopsying them?  Then I think about how I need to keep eating healthy and then I just realized this, and I have thought it many times but it was very clear to me that I have to fucking decide I want to live.  Really.  I want to live and I want to heal and I want to get out of my own way to let that happen.  Is that my answer?  I think that is still part of the question.  When I was driving into the city tonight my fight or flight was so fucking kicked in and I just was like holy shit I have breast cancer.  What the fuck?  What the fuck is that?  Not one person in my huge family has ever had any cancer of any kind.  And so what?  It doesn't matter - I do.  I do and I need to decide if I want to live and then I need to decide I really want to live.  I think I'm tired now. 

Exhausted.

I went and got the MRI this morning - good Lord that was rough.  It was a much smaller machine and how the fuck do people do those who don't meditate?  I kept saying "I can do this it's going to save my life" over and over and over again.  As I write this though I'm not sure if that's true but I had to tell myself that to get through it.  I felt my father there.  A young version of my father.  I almost started to cry and then I had to stop because if you move the tiniest bit they have to start over.  I smelled so bad.  I couldn't take a shower this morning and I haven't been wearing deodorant because of the tests.  I kept saying "Oh I smell so bad"  hoping she would say no you don't!  But that never happened.  Anyway I am home and on the couch.  The guy went with me and was so nice.  Okay so I had to cancel the podcast tonight which is a bummer but I just can't drive into the city.  I bled everywhere last night - I need to rest.  I think I need to take a nap.  I started to watch the video they sent me about the operation and I had to turn it off.  I was like whoa - can not take anymore today.  Or at least not till later.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe when I find out for sure when the surgery is!  Okay love love bye.