Sunday, January 7, 2018
I go for more chemo Tuesday. I am so scared. I just wrote that and then it made me laugh a little - of course I'm scared. I'm also tired, so tired and my head is fucking with me telling me all sorts of things. I also feel a little depressed. Which of course I am. I'm in my office right now and I have the space heater on me and I just meditated for the second time today. I have been meditating extra. I feel a bit better. I met with my sponsor today - my new sponsor and that was great. She's great! I feel like I really have a sponsor. She suggested I rely on finding that place inside myself of happiness so I can call on it while doing chemo. I'm not saying it right. She said true happiness is inside me and when I meditate I can work on that and rely on it during other times. Honestly I am so tired that I don't even really know what I am trying to say or what she even totally said. All I know is that I feel better when I meditate and if I have to do it 3 times a day for the next 3 months then I will. I just read back over what I wrote and I think what I wrote is what she said. It's fucking freezing!! It's 16 degrees but it feel like 4 degrees or maybe it just feels like it's 16 fucking degrees outside!! So what else? I have no idea. I got a real hair wig and it honestly looks like I have on a wig. I mean omg! It looks like I DON'T have on a wig! It looks so real it's crazy! It feels real. It feel so nice to have real hair again. I feel sick about Tuesday but what can I do? I have to just do it and if I have to meditate 5 times while I am there I will. I have been so tired for so long....I so hope I get some energy back. I think I will and until then I will just rest a lot that's all. Just lots of resting and meditating. I have also been walking on the treadmill. God I hope I have the energy for that still with this chemo. It helps so much. It helps the depression. Or the sadness or the sadness and depression. That just made me laugh a little. A LITTLE. Just A LITTLE TINY BIT. I love being in my office with this space heater! So fucking toasty.