Sunday, January 7, 2018


I go for more chemo Tuesday.  I am so scared.  I just wrote that and then it made me laugh a little - of course I'm scared.  I'm also tired, so tired and my head is fucking with me telling me all sorts of things.  I also feel a little depressed.  Which of course I am.  I'm in my office right now and I have the space heater on me and I just meditated for the second time today.  I have been meditating extra.  I feel a bit better.  I met with my sponsor today - my new sponsor and that was great.  She's great!  I feel like I really have a sponsor.  She suggested I rely on finding that place inside myself of happiness so I can call on it while doing chemo.  I'm not saying it right.  She said true happiness is inside me and when I meditate I can work on that and rely on it during other times.  Honestly I am so tired that I don't even really know what I am trying to say or what she even totally said.  All I know is that I feel better when I meditate and if I have to do it 3 times a day for the next 3 months then I will.  I just read back over what I wrote and I think what I wrote is what she said.  It's fucking freezing!!  It's 16 degrees but it feel like 4 degrees or maybe it just feels like it's 16 fucking degrees outside!!  So what else?  I have no idea.  I got a real hair wig and it honestly looks like I have on a wig.  I mean omg!  It looks like I DON'T have on a wig!  It looks so real it's crazy!  It feels real.  It feel so nice to have real hair again.  I feel sick about Tuesday but what can I do?  I have to just do it and if I have to meditate 5 times while I am there I will.  I have been so tired for so long....I so hope I get some energy back.  I think I will and until then I will just rest a lot that's all.  Just lots of resting and meditating.  I have also been walking on the treadmill.  God I hope I have the energy for that still with this chemo.  It helps so much.  It helps the depression.  Or the sadness or the sadness and depression.  That just made me laugh a little.  A LITTLE.  Just A LITTLE TINY BIT.  I love being in my office with this space heater!  So fucking toasty. 

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