Sick.

I have been in bed all day - I got food poisoning or stomach flu and puked & shit my brains out all night last night - it was truly horrifying.  When I got to the kids yesterday one of them was outside with the dog and I was like what are you doing?  He said the dog had diarrhea in the house.  So then I realized I was supposed to pick it up.  So I said "Okay let me emotionally prepare myself for this...."  Then I went in the house and the whole house smelled like dog diarrhea and the poor dog had shit poop, diarrhea and BLOOD.  Um - what the serious fuck?  Meanwhile the dog was just rolling around outside like everything was fine.  So I cleaned it up and sprayed with bleach which made it smell even more disgusting.  Well I guess I started to feel sick then although my guy says you can't get sick from a dog's sick....ugh and I am not even really grossed out by stuff like that but it was fucking gross.  Plus I felt terrible for the dog!  He must have really not felt well to go to the bathroom in the house.  Okay so then I finally came home and took a bath and tried not to puke for 2 hours and then finally my guy came home and I started puking and it didn't stop till 4:00 am.  Then today I just felt like I got hit by a truck - it was so awful & I had to call out sick which I never do.  But I could not have gone there and worked.  I also can't believe that those kids left the poop there and waited for me to come and clean it up.  I mean I don't know - that just seems insane to me and I honestly didn't know that was part of my job description.  I feel horrible about it.  I mean it really made me feel badly for some reason but also I think I wasn't feeling well so that made it worse?  I ate eggs that smelled weird earlier in the day.  NO MORE EGGS.  I don't know what's going on....I just don't feel good I guess and I should just let that be that.  I feel like I did something wrong.  I feel shame & humiliation.  I don't know - I am so grateful for this job but this really did something to me.  Oh my God - or did it?  I think I feel weak?  I don't know.  I can't lead my life the same way - things are changing and I am uncomfortable.  A really good thing happened and now I seem to be falling apart.  But that isn't it.....it's that my life is growing & changing and I don't understand it.  I am going to another level and for some reason I am flipping out about the downtime of everything else.  I know this doesn't make sense.  My guy said I just got sick that's all and I guess that's true.  Anyway I feel better.  Maybe I will watch some TV.  I am surrounded by books but I think I need to do something mindless.  Love you Bluebie bye.