Holy fucking boring balls of glory.

It's raining and it is so fucking boring today.  I wrote in my journal, chatted on line with 2 different people,wrote a letter, put on make-up, put on more make-up, ate, drank a tea and what else?  Yeesh.  I have to tell you last night I got upset seeing the guy at work and I called my friend who told me that - wait she said this yesterday - she said "If you look at his facebook page it's like you WANT to feel bad."  So guess what?  That kept me from looking at his page at least 5 times and 1 time I did look and it made me sad.  It made me sad.  He isn't okay but he is sweet.  He told me I looked pretty yesterday and isn't that nice?  He was also SO high and REEKED of pot.  Do you know what the craziest part of seeing him was?  He had on new sneakers.  New leather converse sneakers that are really cute actually and he looked cute but it made me so uncomfortable.  He looked cute and was clean and showered and high as a kite with new sneakers.  He doesn't pay taxes but he got new sneakers.  Listen - I used to be like that - I did - and guess what?  It has taken me YEARS to get better and get my shit together and I wasn't anywhere NEAR to being able to be in a relationship.  NOWHERE NEAR.  So - so okay.  So okay - there you go.  I think I'm starting to see him more clearly and this would have never happened if I was still sleeping with him.  Now what?  Now I need a new job.  I feel like I should just quit there and then I will get a new job - I will never do it otherwise - unless it fucking closes.  I mean it is so insane how long I will stay in or at something that doesn't serve me.  Um - I am trying so hard not to order a chocolate cake.  I'm not sure I can actually stop myself.  Okay I'm going to read this book my sister gave me and go on a 21 day detox cleanse and get a boyfriend who has a job, loves the real me, treats me like a QUEEN and has health insurance and life, plus similar interests and what else?  A sense of humor and a kind, kind heart.  SEXY TOO.  THAT'S FUCKING ALL.  For now.  BLUEBERRY I LOVE YOU!!!!!!