Hi.

Sunday - just woke up - so exhausted but got 8 hours of sleep.  I did the 3 doubles in a row and I did NOT freak out - miracle.  I just had the weirdest fucking dreams - I keep having weird, anxious dreams and every time my sobriety feels threatened.  Last night - and these dreams are epically long for fuck's sake - they go on and oooon.  Okay - I was telling someone about my 2 marriages that happened while in a black out and simultaneously trying to work out the second one while keeping this couple from killing me and stealing my kids.  Um - what?  While also trying to keep one of my marriages together.  OKAY - that's a lot.  The girl had that blond hair with bangs look and I don't know about the guy - dark maybe?  We were all standing in the bathtub (?)  and I was explaining - crying - yelling to them that they can't take my kids because I am sober 3 1/2 years - that's the only part of this dream that was real - I said how long I am actually sober - how fucking bizarre is that?  Then they started yelling at me that "You are never safe - you are never really sober!!!  You can't drink!!  What happens if you drink - you are a drunk - you aren't safe!!!"  All this while standing in a bathtub.  How mean is my subconscious right now?  Holy shit.  I was so upset and woke up with a headache.  I just can never drink again - I just simply never can - it was a horrible, awful life - such a waste of my life force - seriously.  I managed to not sleep with the guy again last night but I am going to the movies with him today.  He has to work and I need a meeting so unless I completely lose control and fuck him in the movie that's fine.  He came to see me at work yesterday and brought me a tea & told me I was pretty and funny 35 times.  However - I took care of myself and went home last night - came home.  Um - well - I literally just woke up - I need to pray & meditate, walk the dog and drink some coffee.  Love you Blueberry - you are always here for me - so wonderful.