It's Saturday - I'm here at the store and I am not angry.  There's a lot of crazy shit happening in the world - earthquake in China, plant blew up in Texas, the crazy bombers in Boston - so fucking intense.  I managed to get myself showered and here today and I'm not sure - I can never be sure but I am pretty sure - I am never doing this to myself again.  Am I going to be writing this next Saturday?  I mean - this is my attitude this weekend and it has helped me to not be angry - or rather - filled with rage.  I agreed to work these doubles and so I am making the best of it.  However - it is next to impossible for me to actually - function well working like this.  Do you know I thought I kept hitting the snooze button for 45 minutes today and it was for an hour and 45 minutes.  I still don't understand where that hour went - I mean I completely have no idea.  Okay - so this just doesn't work for me.  That being said - 2 years ago I would have never even been able to get showered and get here - I mean I take showers - on a regular basis - amazing.  My clothes are clean - amazing.  I'm not crying and throwing shit - amazing.  Let's face it - that is still possible though - quite.  I have on make-up - amazing.  I pay my bills - mostly - I mean I do but my rent is always late.  I'm always late here too.  Yesterday I was REALLY late and I was just going to blow it off but then I told her and I stayed late.  I mean come on.  I also went outside last night when I was angry at the club - I went outside and calmed down - what??  I FUCKING WENT OUTSIDE AND CALMED DOWN!  My sister told me months ago that she noticed my oldest niece and nephew do that - they go away and calm down.  HOW MIND BLOWING IS THAT?  Unbelievable.  Where's my bagel?  I hope this day isn't super fucking boring.  I've been working here almost 2 years.  She called me 2 years ago when I was at parents when my Grandma died.  I had bought something to wear at the funeral and then I wore it to the interview and I wore it here almost everyday for a year - I had no clothes.  He is moving this week on Wednesday.  We ate burgers together at work last night and I let him grab my butt.  Ugh - but well - did I already say this part?  One good thing about working these doubles is I can't sleep with him - there is literally no time.  So that is good.  Oh boy - I'm tired.  Okay - well it doesn't look like it is going to be busy at all so I am going to write in my journal and look for another job.  The club is so slow - so bad - it's just - crazy.  Everyone is getting called off again all the time - the first show - oh really?  I don't want to do this - I want to focus on action.  I am going to look for another job and be open minded about what that might be.  Yes.  Okay - so - there you go.  OMG - where - oh it's here - my bagel is here.  Seriously?  I feel very blessed at this moment that I have a job and a bagel and a program and a family and another job and I'm slowly, slowly growing and making less ripples of pain and more ripples of healing.  What is coming out from me now is much more hopeful.  I'm still a mess but there is a shift happening.  Great - breakdown is - NO - NO IT ISN'T.  I don't have to have a breakdown because I recognize I have CHOICES now.  Thank you to my sponsor - I have choices and right now I'm going to eat my bagel.  Bye Bluebie - love you - SO MUCH!!