Choices, self-care and love.....

HA!  I had to grin as I wrote that title - it sounds SOOOooooo gaayyy.  However - I mean it.  Today I have choices - I take time to take care of myself and I am focused on love.  Which isn't fucking easy since I wake up - and often go to sleep - with a lot of hate.  That being said I am also having so much trouble thinking about sex all the time.  What?  I started to write on here and then I got distracted by a text - having nothing to do with sex - however I lost focus.  On my way here to work I could not stop thinking about sex and sex with that guy - it was driving me crazy.  I was thinking I might have to give in - you know but then 2 things happened - the first being that I thought to myself "I want a fucking boyfriend - a great guy to have fun with - have mind blowing sex and to grow and love with."  Right - well that still didn't do it to be honest, but then I just thought (okay so I guess 3 things happened) "Okay - I have therapy tonight - just wait till you go to therapy and talk to her about it - white knuckle through not contacting him."  THEN - then that sort of did it but what really did it was I listened to this (more gayness - sorry - I should just be grateful but it feels a little gay - not homo - just gay) Alanon phone meeting and a woman was sharing how she had choices today and I realized that I have a CHOICE.  I do not have to have sex with him or try to make that happen and it's just a distraction anyway and the quicker I get past this and him the sooner I will have room in my life for a really great guy (which he IS only he's a pothead, unavailable and moving to Utah) who will - WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY WRITING THIS???  Jesus Fucking CHRIST.  I want a GREAT GUY WHO WILL LOVE ME - I LOVE HIM AND - okay I need to calm down.  Anyway I realized I have a choice and it helped to let go of the sex idea.  Plus it wasn't from the right place - it was like when I'm emotionally hungry - I was emotionally wanting sex.  The Snake Doctor used to ask me what would happen if when I got hungry at work I just didn't eat the nachos, pizza, popcorn - what would happen?  I would say - I think I would be fine.  Is that what I would say?  Okay - distracted again.  Lots of ladies today!  Gotta go - thank God I'm busy.  Love you Bluebie.