I don't WANT to do this......

I don't want to be a grown-up and be broken up with this guy in a healthy way especially because he isn't DOING WHAT I WANT.  And what would that be?  I don't know - he could get sober, get a full time job with benefits, give me a baby and a house and what?  I mean really - what?  That is so ridiculous - is that even what I want?  Well - not from someone who has no desire to do that and well - I don't know.  I'm sad - I miss him and my sponsor just said to be a grown-up when I see him and take care of myself without playing games.  I have never EVER done that.  I don't have someone else lined up and I don't want to but in the past I would have.  How boring is this?  Look - this is all I know - I can't do what I've done before - it will NOT work.  One time I was trying to put a little side braid in my hair (this is the dumbest analogy) and I could NOT get it to work and finally I just said to myself "Fuck it I'm just trying it a completely different way - this is not working" and guess what?  Yes - it worked and it was so didn't make sense to me and now every time I do - it still doesn't quite make sense.  Do you know at different times in my life I have had - while having a serious boyfriend a "Just In Case Boyfriend."  I called him that because - well - yeah - in case my boyfriend and I broke up - um WHAT?  That is terrible.  Then at another time I had a 1/18 of a boyfriend.  What the fuck is that?  I just have never wanted to be a fucking grown-up about relationships or commitments or whatever.  Responsible for myself - ugh.  Okay so if I see him tonight I can't play games and I also have to keep my boundaries and also not flirt in front of him just to upset him.  This is so lame - so sos sosososos lame.  There are people struggling with real serious life issues and I'm just obsessing over this.  It's okay - I have to be nice to myself - relationships are what I always drank over before - ALWAYS.  I just couldn't stand it - couldn't stand being responsible for myself and blah, blah - this is exhausting.  Okay - Bluebers I love you.  p.s. I still have PMS so I'm a little coo-coo.