Breakdown - awesome.

Woke up early went back to sleep for 3 hours, prayed & meditated, walked the dog , did the dishes, got all pretty for an audition, went to therapy, printed the sides - found out I wasn't working tomorrow and FREAKED out.  Right before the audition - I was so upset, felt fucked over - the whole thing - all my stupid shit.  She sent me the texts where I said it was fine for her to work tomorrow - I don't know.  I auditioned with this super weird guy who the auditioner LOVED and who also for some reason didn't believe I was in Amistad.  Which is bullshit and not because I WASN'T in fucking Amistad - I COULD HAVE BEEN an extra in Amistad but I decided not to go the audition - which was in my hometown and where they filmed it - seriously?  Am I fucking serious?  He was nice the guy and he talked to us and he was very interested in my acting partner who has been in a ton of shit and had something to talk about.  I didn't even know what they were talking about - the shows nor the people.  Okay - so anyway - guess what??  It's a blessing I'm not working tomorrow because I'm crazy and I have laundry to do and I could use some fresh air.  I miss the guy SO MUCH and I just - I don't know - it's SO HARD NOT TO DRINK right now.  IT'S SO FUCKING HARD.  I went to a gay & lesbian meeting because that's all there was and I shared and I felt better.  Okay - so it's good - I'm home, I lit candles - I'm going to make myself dinner and I am going to watch TV or try to.  I should know what's going on with TV for this work I am trying to get.  I also have class tomorrow night and I have that to work on.  On a positive note my hair looks great.  The first time I have colored it in a long time where I like the color.  Maybe I can go on Wednesday and look for more work - I need more work as soon as possible - I just can't be at that comedy club anymore - it's too hard to be around the drinking - especially now - it's too fucking hard.  Okay - drama fucking pants.  It's just a hard time but it's okay.  I couldn't even take showers 2 years ago regularly - I really couldn't.  So this is an improvement.  What?  I don't know - I just feel better after I write - bye Bluebers - I love you.