Pain.

I don't like pain unless it's really worth it.  When is it ever really worth it?  Dancing is painful but worth it only I don't do it.  I'm healed enough now from the surgery that I can do it.  I'm sore from the little bit of jogging and yoga I did yesterday and now I don't want to do it again.  But I felt so good last night!  I felt so much better in my body.  Wearing a regular bra and feeling tighter in my muscles.  Just from doing the tiniest bit of exercise!  I can do this.  I just have to keep telling myself that - I can do this.  My only other choice is to get old.  That's it!  So either be in physical pain and exercise or don't be inthat kind of physical pain but get old and be in THAT kind of physical pain.  What a mind fuck.  Man we are given some sort of crazy challenge here in life....what kind of pain do you want!???  We get to choose!  Or it seems we get to choose.  Do you want the physical pain of living or the physical pain of dying?  And no matter what - we are going to die.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT!??  Jesus FUCKING Christ.  Well I guess I want the pain of living and what the fuck kind of choice is just giving up?  That's what it's feels like it is if I choose right now to not take care of my physical body by not exercising.  I don't mean today - I mean in general.  And why aren't I dancing?  I love dancing.  It comes from my heart.  It one of the purest expressions I have ever experienced.  I don't care what anyone thinks - I just do it, lose myself in it and feel ALIVE.  Maybe I just have an issue with being alive.  With truly living.  I guess that could be my alcoholism.  OF COURSE IT IS.  That and whatever other shit I am always talking about in therapy.  So much stuff.  Muddy waters.  What does it say in the Tao?  Let me find it......

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

I always think about meditation when I read that one.  It's number 15.  I still don't want to get on the treadmill.  I am going to though.  I can do this.  I can live.  I can live as well as I can.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  I can do this, I can do this I can do this.  BYE.

Slowing down.

My life is so slow right now as I go through this current round of chemo.  I get so tired from doing one thing and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch tv or read a book.  I just want to lay down and read books!  I managed to get on the treadmill today and run for 10 minutes.  Wait no I jogged slowly.  But I did it.  Then I walked for 25 minutes and did a teeny tiny bit of yoga.  Then I was so exhausted I had to lay down!  I feel better now.  At least I can do some things on this chemo.  The other one I couldn't even get out of bed I was so sick.  I just have wicked heartburn and indigestion on this one.  Oh man I feel like a pussy complaining about it.  People live in war zones.  I know that sounds stupid maybe but it's true.  This is like a low-grade sickness I'm going through right now and it's making me better.  Christ this is making me exhausted writing this.  It could be so much worse I guess is what I'm trying to say.  It sucks and I'm accepting it sucks and I am doing my best.  Now I need to lay down again.  I have a show tonight.  It will be mellow.  Everything is mellow right now.  So so mellow.  I drive slowly, I take my time, I rest, I lay down, I chill out, I take it easy and I just don't do much.  I go to my meetings and yesterday I went to breakfast with my ladies meeting ladies and that was fun.  I was so tired afterwards!  I came home and wrote thank you cards for 3 hours.  It took me 3 hours!  Listen I have been tired for YEARS I just kept pushing myself.  Now I just am letting myself rest and sleep.  Sleep!  I sleep a lot!  Let's see how long did I sleep last night?  10 hours.  10 hours!  Holy shit that's a lot.  That's basically how much I sleep every night.  Whoa.  Okay well good for me right?  Anyway so that's what is going on with me.  A very slow life.  Meetings, chemo, my cancer support group, a show once in awhile, the podcast once in awhile and sleeping.  Tv and books.  I got a library card!  That made my day!!  Was just so excited about that!  Okay I need to take a shower.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Discomfort....

I find the longer I stay sober and the healthier I get the more I have to be comfortable with discomfort.  I think normal people know how to be uncomfortable and I just can't take it.  When I was drinking I could never take a shower because I couldn't stand being uncomfortable and naked long enough to be comfortable in and then out of the shower.  I don't like to be too hot or too cold or anything other than just right.  It makes doing things that are healthy extremely challenging.  Oh for fuck's sake what am I trying to say?  So much of life is UNCOMFORTABLE.  Doing the dishes after eating?  Uncomfortable.  Waiting 3 days to do them - gross.  Eating vegetables?  Uncomfortable.  Only eating shitty food?  So delicious for 2 days and then it's gross.  Right now I need to sit so much.  Sit and wait.  Wait while poison drips in me that will save my life.  Wait while I heal from the poison.  Wait and rest because the poison takes my energy.  Wait.  Just wait.  Waiting is uncomfortable.  I'm waiting right now for the guy to take me to a meeting and it's uncomfortable.  I'm not even sure why.  I guess because I can't just put on my pajamas and pack it in for the night.  Anyway now I tell myself to just let myself be uncomfortable.  Be cold for 2 minutes and take that shower that will change my whole day and make it better.  Eat those veggies and help my poor body that's already struggling......breathe.....be calm and breathe.  Just sit here and wait and breathe and wait.  So fucking uncomfortable. 

New Chemo.

Well I started the new chemo and although I am not as sick as with the first rounds of chemo, I am still very slow going.  I felt great the day after but I think it was just the steroids.  I am not as nauseas which is so so wonderful.  I have an appetite but I feel a bit under the weather.  I'm reading Gilda Radner's book It's Always Something and it's helping me.  She was so sick!  She got so sick from her cancer before they found it!  I just felt exhausted for 2 years or so but didn't get really sick yet.  I have 3 months of this next chemotherapy, once a week.  So I am going to have a very slow 3 months.  I haven't done any other writing except my journal and some jokes.  I can't seem to quit this blog yet.  I might need to lay down for a second.  I am just super fatigued - I guess that's what's happening.  My guy can't go with me anymore to the appointments since it's once a week - it's just too much time away from work.  Maybe I will try going by myself.  Ugh I'm getting sick to my stomach thinking about it.  Okay let's let that go right now.  I'm having menopausal symptoms from the chemo....so I am freezing all the time or sweating!  It's crazy.  It's going to sound strange but I find it interesting....to go from being so so cold to suddenly super warm and sweaty!  It's like I have an internal space heater.  So weird.  I still have all the symptoms of a period too but just no period.  It feels like the whole cycle happens but without any of the stuff coming out.  Gross.  Anyway now I'm exhausted from writing this.  I'm going to lay down for a minute and get on the treadmill.  I have a sex appointment today with the guy.  I can't remember the last time we had sex - I was so sick for all those different days but my drive just stopped completely.  It was like someone turned a switch off!  It has come back a bit so that's good.  Hopefully it will come back a lot!  Calm and healing - that's what I keep thinking for right now....calm and healing.  Calm and heal.  Stay calm and heal.  Meditate, breathe, calm myself, soothe myself and heal.  Deep, deep healing.  Forgive.  Breathe and practice forgiveness - of myself and others.  We're all just doing the best we can right?  Even if we're not we ar.  What?  That made me feel tense.  Calm and healing.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday.

I go for more chemo Tuesday.  I am so scared.  I just wrote that and then it made me laugh a little - of course I'm scared.  I'm also tired, so tired and my head is fucking with me telling me all sorts of things.  I also feel a little depressed.  Which of course I am.  I'm in my office right now and I have the space heater on me and I just meditated for the second time today.  I have been meditating extra.  I feel a bit better.  I met with my sponsor today - my new sponsor and that was great.  She's great!  I feel like I really have a sponsor.  She suggested I rely on finding that place inside myself of happiness so I can call on it while doing chemo.  I'm not saying it right.  She said true happiness is inside me and when I meditate I can work on that and rely on it during other times.  Honestly I am so tired that I don't even really know what I am trying to say or what she even totally said.  All I know is that I feel better when I meditate and if I have to do it 3 times a day for the next 3 months then I will.  I just read back over what I wrote and I think what I wrote is what she said.  It's fucking freezing!!  It's 16 degrees but it feel like 4 degrees or maybe it just feels like it's 16 fucking degrees outside!!  So what else?  I have no idea.  I got a real hair wig and it honestly looks like I have on a wig.  I mean omg!  It looks like I DON'T have on a wig!  It looks so real it's crazy!  It feels real.  It feel so nice to have real hair again.  I feel sick about Tuesday but what can I do?  I have to just do it and if I have to meditate 5 times while I am there I will.  I have been so tired for so long....I so hope I get some energy back.  I think I will and until then I will just rest a lot that's all.  Just lots of resting and meditating.  I have also been walking on the treadmill.  God I hope I have the energy for that still with this chemo.  It helps so much.  It helps the depression.  Or the sadness or the sadness and depression.  That just made me laugh a little.  A LITTLE.  Just A LITTLE TINY BIT.  I love being in my office with this space heater!  So fucking toasty. 

Sunshine.

It's sunny out today and I am sober.  I came into the bedroom to write this because it's sunnier in here.  I often didn't see the sun when I was drinking.  Sometimes I wouldn't get out of bed until 4:00 and then I would need to get high and unwind myself from my hangover.  By the time I was ready to go outside and walk my poor dog, it would be dark.  Holy shit how awful is that?  I don't do that now.  I wake up and I get to be awake during the day and that is such a gift.  WHY AM I WRITING ON HERE STILL?  I don't know some part of me wonders if I am too afraid to write on other platforms - like working on articles or I don't know - anything.  I have so enjoyed writing on here and it has helped me track my life and my progress.  It also is an interesting experiment in seeing someone's recovery.  I was so batshit crazy for so long and I am much better.  Am I allowed to say that?  Haha.  I am a bit better that's for sure.  Even with the cancer I am a completely different person.  so now what?  What am I doing?  I have a show tonight and I need to write for that but I came here first.  This is really just an online journal now - which is fine but I am passed where I NEED to write on here - where I have to have the safe haven to get the crazy out of my head.  I write in my journal almost everyday too.  I don't know - maybe it's time to wrap up this project.  It's been a solid 7 years.  Maybe it's time to come out of the dark.  Start a new blog where I am public.  Public about what?  Ha that just mad me laugh.  The guy bought a foot stool or I don't know what you call it but a sitting stool and it's underneath the mirror in our bedroom and that's what I am sitting on right now.  I am looking out the window at the sky and the trees - it's so pretty.  Pretty, clear blue sky and the tree right outside the window has red leaves on it still somehow.  It's freezing today - 19 degrees.  Well it's freezing for here.  It could be colder for sure!  I have to work on my comedy.  Love you Bluebie bye.