Pain.

I don't like pain unless it's really worth it.  When is it ever really worth it?  Dancing is painful but worth it only I don't do it.  I'm healed enough now from the surgery that I can do it.  I'm sore from the little bit of jogging and yoga I did yesterday and now I don't want to do it again.  But I felt so good last night!  I felt so much better in my body.  Wearing a regular bra and feeling tighter in my muscles.  Just from doing the tiniest bit of exercise!  I can do this.  I just have to keep telling myself that - I can do this.  My only other choice is to get old.  That's it!  So either be in physical pain and exercise or don't be inthat kind of physical pain but get old and be in THAT kind of physical pain.  What a mind fuck.  Man we are given some sort of crazy challenge here in life....what kind of pain do you want!???  We get to choose!  Or it seems we get to choose.  Do you want the physical pain of living or the physical pain of dying?  And no matter what - we are going to die.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT!??  Jesus FUCKING Christ.  Well I guess I want the pain of living and what the fuck kind of choice is just giving up?  That's what it's feels like it is if I choose right now to not take care of my physical body by not exercising.  I don't mean today - I mean in general.  And why aren't I dancing?  I love dancing.  It comes from my heart.  It one of the purest expressions I have ever experienced.  I don't care what anyone thinks - I just do it, lose myself in it and feel ALIVE.  Maybe I just have an issue with being alive.  With truly living.  I guess that could be my alcoholism.  OF COURSE IT IS.  That and whatever other shit I am always talking about in therapy.  So much stuff.  Muddy waters.  What does it say in the Tao?  Let me find it......

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

I always think about meditation when I read that one.  It's number 15.  I still don't want to get on the treadmill.  I am going to though.  I can do this.  I can live.  I can live as well as I can.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  I can do this, I can do this I can do this.  BYE.