Happiness.

When I went to dinner on Tuesday night with some new friends there was a beautiful Mom there - gorgeous.  She looked so good and FELT so good.  I asked her what her secret was and she said (and she didn't have plastic surgery as far as I could tell and I see a LOT of it) while laughing "I think I'm just happy!!"  It was so AMAZING.  It really was wonderful to hear and see - so simple.  So last night I went home after a meeting which was super weird and negative but I did it and I felt better afterwards.  I just cleaned up my apartment, talked to my sponsor and my sponsee, ate ice cream and potato chips and watched Angels In America - which is fucking amazing and I loved it.  I was crying at one point - I just miss the dog so much - I mean - I know - it's okay - but I do and I was crying and looking at myself in the mirror and I said "Maybe this is what makes me happy - maybe this is my happiness - being alone in an apartment that's decent with a hole over the ceiling in the shower but it's quiet and I have on comfortable clothes, I'm bleeding but I'm safe."  But I decided that that wasn't true.  I mean - listen - I'm a million times happier than I was but I don't think that moment of crying and looking at myself is my happy place - I was just relieved to have that horrible day over with.  And hello - the ice cream???  Come on - that made me happy!!!  What is my point?  I don't know - why am I writing this?  It's raining right now so no one is on the streets and no one is coming into the store - HALLELUJAH!!!  Jeez.  Am I live or am I Memorex?  Sooooo - okaaaayyyy - new day - alright!!  Let's do this.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.  YOU ARE THE BEST LISTENER I HAVE EVER WRITTEN.