There's good things......

I woke up so late - I did another double yesterday and took the long ass subway ride home at 12:30 at night - it took for fucking ever.  Waited for the crosstown bus - waited for the local train and because I got annoyed at the girl picking her nose and chomping her gun next to me on the seats - I got up and stomped away and had to stand there for 15 minutes.  She was straight up picking her nose - staring at it and going in for more - it was fucking horrifying.  Plus she had cut me off on the bus and she had ice cream - and there was no one else there and no one on the bus - it was almost 1:00 for Christ sake.  Did she need to sit down and eat her ice cream THAT fucking fast?  Anyway - okay - that's not the good part.  I didn't get a lot of sleep and I turned off my alarm and slept through talking to my alanon sponsor and then woke up with no voice and left her the most dramatic message.  I cried last night on the train thinking about the dog and my eyes are a mess from this horrible cold.  I can't seem to get to the good part.  I was so upset on the train this morning - I didn't get to pray or meditate before I left the house and I was - just upset - I didn't feel good and I was so tired and upset about my alanon missed call.  But I took a shower and I put on a cute dress and clean underwear and I made myself coffee to take with me.  I prayed on the train and I talked myself off the ledge.  I said to myself "I can not be mean to myself - I simply CAN NOT be mean to myself.  I'm literally doing the best I can and I'm going to fuck up - that's it.  I just can't take this into my day."  So I prayed & meditated on the train and this woman with weird energy sat across from me and it was annoying but I said oh well - she's annoying - people are annoying and she feels creepy too and people are creepy.  Then I put a force field between us and I focused on praying and taking care of myself and knowing that whatever she's about is none of my business and I FELT SO MUCH BETTER.  I can be annoyed about someone without hating myself for it.  PEOPLE ARE CREEPY and I can't help that some days I'm so fucking sensitive it's insane.  Being mean to myself won't fucking help.  My therapist always says "People are enraging!"  But she says it all sing songy and like so what??  I just ordered a super healthy lunch and now I'm going to eat it.  So this is my 3rd double in a row and then that's it and hopefully I can pay my rent for August.  Does this sound like good things?  What am I doing?  Who the fuck am I?  What do I want - am I crazy for doing all this?  Striving still endlessly towards my dreams of art and expression?  Sobriety and a life I don't understand how to live yet?  I almost have 4 years sober and that is scaring the shit out of me.  But as I wrote that Iwas like - okay - girl - calm the fuck down - it's not that big of a deal.  Okay - so I have to eat bye Bluebie.