Lost.

I suddenly feel so lost.  I'm so confused - home alone on a Saturday night - exhausted and wishing I had a baby, husband and a life.  Oh dear - I just don't know.  I'm sitting on my couch watching porn - I'm like a dude - it's horrible.  I look so old - I'm so scared I'm never going to fid anyone and I'm even more scared that I missed out on being fully alive.  I don't know - this cigarette smoke - I'm sitting here and it's - okay - what can I do?  What can I do right now?  I can open the windows an dget some fresh air in here - I can take a bath, do some yoga - dry body brush, get some ice cream - watch a movie - oh WOW - I haven't prayed and meditated - really - in days.  I can catch up on all of my readings and do that.  Why don't I do that right now - that has got to help.  It doesn't matter what day it is - I just have to get centered so let's do that.