Lighten up.

The last 2 mornings when I woke up my first thought was misery - my next thought was "Oh my God I need to lighten the fuck up!"  Then I proceeded to have a break down and then get over it.  Well yesterday I had a break down - today I just worked with my alanon sponsor and went back to sleep.  But seriously - I just - I just have to let it all go.  I'm not in charge right?  I mean - what do I mean?  I mean - I just need to let it all go.  I want to let it all go.  I simply can't keep living in the past, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do and my life is already half over - I can't spend the other half freaking out all the time - and if I was supposed to be with this guy - I would be - if I was supposed to be doing whatever - I would be.  All I know is what I have been doing has made me nuts and I just - I just don't care and I don't want to do it anymore.  So today I stayed here, stayed in my neighborhood and went for a jog/walk for a long time, walked the dog, heated up my soup, watched New York One, and now I'm drinking my second cup of tea.  The super's smoke has been coming through the floors all day but - well - what can I do?  I'm going to go to a meeting around the corner from here - this will be a first and maybe a last - we'll see.  I'm going to come back and pamper myself a little - take a bath and go to bed early.  I'm just going to take care of myself the best I can - be the nicest I can to myself and keep getting stronger and more away from that comedy club and that old life.  I am not working there at all this weekend - I have class and I took some more extra work.  This time I already know I'm working so that's good.  And if it gets cancelled again it's okay - I have just enough money to cover me - I guess.  I mean I would rather get to work but I am SO happy to not be there - at the club.  Anyway.  So - new goal - lighten up.  I can be lighter and still be responsible.  It's so important for me to be responsible.  I miss doing comedy.  I really do.  Okay - anyway - new day tomorrow with plenty of things to do - for sure.  Whoa - acceptance of the cigarette smoke - again - so crazy - some lesson for me here - I don't know but all I can do is accept.  I love you Bluebie.  I love you.