Less crazy more low self-esteem.

Semi ha.  So I got myself showered and dressed yesterday and to a meeting which was amazing.  It was a really fantastic meeting.  That's so weird I was going to write wedding.  Anyway - well - that was so good - it was good to get out of the house and I returned that underwear and bathing suit I bought for myself.  I can't afford it and I brought it back.  Okay - I do have to say that I saw my friend at the meeting and she is someone who I only ever talk to on the phone - right?  So - I tell her how inspiring it is that she got a new job and she gets paid twice as much.  She says "Well - you do things differently - more slowly - remember that house you lived in forever?  And that job you have had forever - I mean you just do things more slowly - I don't know."  I was so confused - I mean - doesn't that sound like an insult?  I was complimenting her and saying it was inspiring - I didn't say "I'm a piece of shit - how did you do that?"  But maybe I did - with my tone.  I just don't understand - it's so fucking confusing to me - or is it?  Am I just not willing to just leave that fucking comedy club and why do I have these friends - these beautiful strong women who I respect who are so - condescending to me?  Or are they?  I don't know.  I just have yet to get into my power yet in sobriety and into momentum.  That being said - why do I care what anyone thinks?  Oh this isn't helping.  Let's write about something good.  One more thing.  This is a woman who I do step work with and it feels like she has used what I have worked through with her - against me.  you know what I mean?  But why do I think that?  Because that's what I do?  I don't know.  Okay - I went to go to class after that and I was super early and I needed to warm up and work on my monologue.  I got off on a floor where there was an office that was closed up for the night and so it was just this open space - not to big - about 20 feet by 20 feet - you know from the elevator to the closed office doors.  So I sat in that space and drank my green tea and then I warmed up, danced and worked on my monologue.  It was AWESOME.  It was like a free studio space - amazing.  I used to have an apartment where I felt like I could be creative like that in - I miss that apartment.  Well - anyway - I guess I can try to give that to myself here.  The floors are just so creaky and my downstairs neighbor has such a grumpy face.  But what is that?  It doesn't matter how he feels as long as it isn't 10 at night - right?  So I'm here in my apartment having prayed & meditated, cooked myself breakfast, got a good night's sleep and I'm just wondering what's wrong with me.  Why can't I get it together and why can't I just like myself and let that be true.  I'm going to take some midol.  I'm going to take some midol and meditate more.  Or I don't know - I'm exhausted suddenly.  I need some self-esteem stat.  I hope this struggle is really worth it.  Sometimes I just think I am totally crazy.  Okay - bye.