somewhere between leaving the club last night and I don't know - today - I lost my apron. It wasn't at the club tonight and it's just gone. I would not shut up about it tonight - who would take my ratty ass apron? It had a shit ton of change in it - by shit ton I mean like 2.50. Okaaaay - so that was weird. Anyway - I somehow feel better. I'm just - whoa - I've already lost what I wanted to say. Okay - it's back - here it is. The dog is still alive and she's not cold because I just left her winter coat on her all day - so that's good. I decided that besides just trying to have fun - no matter what I just need to stay sober. I mean - I guess that's so obvious but here's why I am saying that.....I have been so bitter lately that I don't look better - blah, blah - all the things - like I got sober now I want to be the Queen of Fucking Everything, give me my amazing life and my amazing look and let's do this. Okay - but that's not happening - except for the part where things are SO much better but who cares? Nothing is going to be good in any way if I drink. NO matter what happens - no matter where I go or where life takes me or if I get to act or do comedy or paint - um - be a doctor - none of it will be any good if I drink and I just don't know what's going to be if I don't. So there - that's it. I wish in some way it were a little more - CLEAR - like - hello - I am sober and this is what I get - EVERYTHING I WANT. But sometimes I want the worst shittiest things. I just want to be real and authentic and alive. That's what I want. I just want the chance to be a real fucking person and get to know myself and be - REAL. As I write on an anonymous blog to I have to no idea who. Ha - that's funny - right? I just want to be REAL - not seen -just read and heard. Well that's fucking fine - that can be just as real right? I also realized tonight how much I judge others and how much I - don't have compassion for people - especially people who creep me out. There has to be some way I can have compassion for people even if I am picking up on things that make me uncomfortable. Okay so I have some new goals - here we go.
1. Be gossip free!! Woo-hooo - fun!! Gossip freeness!!
2. Have compassion - a fucking lot of it.
3. Figure out have to have insulation from people so I'm not so freaked out by what I pick up on.
4. Meditate for longer so I am not as sensitive to others and just life in general.
5. Raise my level of self-care by paying my rent on time.
6. Recognize on a daily and hourly basis that I am not a victim - I have power and a life force and I am not being fucked over by everyone all the time - nor is that what everyone secretly wants to do (haha - that mad me laugh a little - even though IT'S TRUE - that I think and feel that way)
7. Move forward and let my program grow.
Okay bye.
No comments:
Post a Comment