Okay - so - so why am I writing right now?

I have no idea - I can't remember - it seemed so important.  My habits are changing.  Do you know I started to get sober and I couldn't stop living the life I had while I was drinking.  I mean I still stayed up really late all the time - I was alone way too much - I isolated and I was FILLED with rage.  I had no idea how to do anything.  I just got home from work and even though I could have fallen right into bed I did my night routine to take care of myself.  I think I look so much better suddenly and I think the lack of coffee is a huge part of it.  Also the park the last 2 days - holy cow it's been glorious.  Sunny - water, birds, trees - I love it so much.  It is absolute heaven to me to go into that park.  I also get a huge kick out of eating at home - making food here.  DO you know today I cooked, cleaned, did dishes, hand washed my clothes and cleaned the bathroom and I was in heaven.  It would have been especially amazing if I had a boyfriend here.  I miss the guy so much but I see him at work and that is okay.  He's being really sweet and funny and that makes it so hard somehow.  It makes me go into fantasy land and the reality is that he isn't my boyfriend and it isn't what I want.  I'm going to see my parents tomorrow so that will be nice.  There are so many things about him I really like so much - he's great and really so fun.  Okay - well - but - so what?  I don't know - I mean I do know.  It's so sad and annoying.  I got to work tonight so that's fantastic.  I'm a tiny bit closer to paying off the man.  You know - the government man.  Taxes.  Why do people call the government "the man?"  Or maybe that isn't what people call it?  I JUST REMEMBERED why I wanted to write so badly!!  oh my GOD I left work so awkwardly.  It was so uncomfortable.  I was saying bye and Happy Easter to everyone and it was so weird and forced and I don't know - just fucking inauthentic really.  Plus I was flustered because the guy hugged me so super tight and kissed me on the check and it flustered me and then it makes me think weird untrue thoughts.  Okay - there.  You know what else I realized?  Besides that I'm really full of shit sometimes?  It's SO OBVIOUS when I am full of shit and awkward.  Maybe.  I don't know - who fucking cares - what matters is that I was so uncomfortable and I just said to myself that I would have to just go through the discomfort of being uncomfortable - that it would change (even though I never REALLY totally believe that) and that I have ways to self-soothe now.  So I came home, I'm in pj's and I have clean teeth, a clean bed and a sweet Granny dog beside me so that is soothing right?  I'm so tired now.  I feel like more layers are coming off somehow.  I just need to keep exercising - I think that's a huge part of it.  What?  Good night sweet Blueberry.  Tomorrow is fucking Easter - AGAIN!!  I wonder what really happened with Jesus - what his story was - what was really happening there.  I love you bye.