Holy lame ass fuck.

This is it.  I am just too terrified to actually move on with my life - to actually grow.  I have been waitressing for 14 years at comedy clubs and I just can't seem to move the fuck on.  From this whole level of life I have been at - I can not seem to move on.  The money isn't even good now.  I mean - it's terrible.  Okay - and what am I doing dating this guy?  I'm so fucking confused.  He came over today and I made us tacos and we watched a movie, took the train to work together, walked through the park in the snow and then - then I FREAKED out when I heard that fucking girl ask him about the dresser again.  I'm so confused.  I didn't want to come home alone - I wanted him to come home with me but he wanted to stay at work and party.  Is there anything wrong with that?  No - no there isn't.  But I can't party and I don't get to be with this guy - not really.  He's going to go live with his mother soon, then move to Utah and he doesn't even ever want to talk about us.  I'm making him sound so terrible but he's not.  What am I doing?  I have things to do - like work on this audition and I just can't do it.  I have zero faith that I could actually get work.  I'm going to bomb at this audition so that I can be a victim of waitressing forever.  We were supposed to go to the museum tomorrow but then he has to work early and I just - just forget it.  Why can't I just let it go?  Just work on my art and let the comedy club go - let the guy go.  Oh GOD - I'm sitting here on my couch crying and writing this and I just realized the blinds got stuck on the plant in the window and are opened.  Which is CRAZY because my neighbors across the way are definitely up at 3:45 in the morning watching me.  I just remembered I have my last writing class on Monday night and I have that piece to work on also.  I suppose I have spent enough time trying to make a relationship with this guy.  It's not even that - I have spent enough time distracting myself with him.  Sigh.  I want a relationship - I like this.  I like cooking and having fun.  I need to go to sleep.  I'm so fucking tired and sad.  But I'm not suicidal.  That's good - that's a switch.  tomorrow is a new day - a beautiful, hopeful new day.  Good night Blueberry of my dreams - I love you.