Got rejected.

I got rejected from a place I auditioned at to SPEND MONEY.  That being said it is fine.  I really did do the best I could a this point but I wasn't very good and I wasn't myself and super awkward to talk to.  My teacher called me to see how it went which was so wonderful - we talked about it and I am going to just keep working - that's all.  I would have been kind of shocked if I passed the audition to be honest - I wasn't charming or funny or anything - just stiff and scared - ew.  Then I had a nervous break down after I talked to him.  I called my sponsor and laughed and cried - holy shit - I was a mess.  Did I mention I was at work and over 2 hours late?  Yes - yes I was.  I couldn't get out of bed.  My thumb hurt and my feelings hurt and I was upset.  I cheese grated my thumb last night and it bled everywhere for a LONG time.  I couldn't believe it - it was so much blood and it fucking HURT.  I woke up with hurt feelings missing the guy - realizing it is really over and it has to be for me to grow and get spiritually sober now.  He didn't ask me about the audition - I haven't heard a peep from him.  It's okay - I'm less mad, more sad and it will be okay.  I mean it doesn't FEEL like it will be but I believe it.  I deserve better and I have no idea what that means but I know it's true.  Wow - s much pain I'm in right now - so fucking uncomfortable.  I've never done this before - broke up with someone without someone else in place or doing something to validate myself in some unhealthy way.  I just can't anymore.  Jesus - what a shitty week - total rejection all around and now I'm supposed to feel more lovable somehow?  The great part is how valuable my acting class is and that I have a place to work out and get stronger - that is amazing.  I'm so sad.  It's okay.  I guess right now isn't a good time to get another dog?  I should really resist that urge right?  I'm doing the right thing for myself and my heart right now and it is SO fucking painful.  Okay - I'm going to stop writing right now because I can't even tell if I am being - authentic.  Bye Bluebers - I love you and all your blogness. p.s. The book my sister sent me is fucking AMAZING.  The Power of Habit - I'm in love with it.