Working....

I'm working - again.  I'm now even with the owner for those two days I took off in August.  Um - what?  I'm tired but somehow I managed to not work the third show at work last night so I wouldn't be completely insane today.  I - I don't know.  I got upset last night again about the guy at work being flirty - one of the other girls was standing all close to him.....then - I'm not kidding you - 30 minutes later some comic was practically sitting on top off me.  Like how dogs do?  It's all so confusing and ridiculous.  Feelings - BLECH.  I also got mad about something else - oh this shitty table I felt victimized by.....it's all so trite and stupid - HOWEVER - the amazing part is that instead of throwing a fit (I did throw some good dirty looks) I prayed.  I prayed for everyone I was upset about and handled the situation with gentleness and it ended up being okay.  There is a woman who has been on her phone outside of the store for over 20 minutes.  Just talking and laughing away like it's her living room - so bizarre.  I guess it's just as bizarre that I'm bothered by it.  I am sort of mess except that I took a shower, took out the dog and managed to get here just about in time.  Um - what?  I was about a half hour late - how is that even remotely on time?  I have on make-up, I did pray & meditate this morning.  I'm so confused sort of.  So despite the fact that I shouldn't really be working these doubles - this is so hard on me.....it would be a glorious day to be jogging in the park.....oh - why am I going to do this to myself?  There are 2 more weekends in April where I will work a few crazy doubles in a row and after that I just can't so it anymore.  It's not my responsibility and I can't do it.  I just can't.  It's also ridiculous that the owner can't just figure out how to pay me or not pay me when I work.  It's like I'm figuring out my schedule so she doesn't have to mess with the direct deposit at all.  What?  THIS IS SO DUMB.  Let's get back to the part where I didn't cause a complete scene last night - that was amazing.  Now if I could just focus on myself and stop worrying about what this guy is doing.  It doesn't matter anyway.  He is a nice guy and he is leaving and it doesn't matter even more that that because I want something better for myself.  I mean he is wonderful but he literally goes and smokes pot during the shows.  I used to do that too.  All the time - I so couldn't handle the job so much - or life - that I just had to be high.  Well so anyway - how do I do this?  How do I be kind and loving to myself, to him, to others?  I wanted a love - a relationship - I want a husband - I want to grow and it's not happening.  I don't know...I just don't know....it's so sad and it is an opportunity also.  Ugh.  Okay - so - so I joined 2 websites for acting work and I have an audition for a network place on the 19th - is that right?  The 20th.  Okay so today is a great opportunity to work on those monologues.  It's so crazy I am trying so hard lately to not feel sorry for myself and it seems completely impossible.  Holy fuck.  But okay - I'm going to keep going.  Fuck it - what else can I do - how I used to think and be never worked - I might as well try this - right?  I need to SELL SOME SERIOUS SHIT TODAY.  Let's start with that.  Bye Blueberry - I miss you and I love you.